PC Grabbem Huw, told by the sergeant where to go,
he patrols the town on the concrete beat,with truncheon, whistle, and radio.
It’s harsh on the ears and hard on the feet,
peering, observing, looking right,
makes sure that no one steals a car,
no robbery, no vicious fight,
or shouting and vomiting outside the bar,
a smile for Granddad, nod at you,
he walks around in rain and sun,
a quick word for a housewife too,
cautioning youths who have too much fun,
but by the bank in the centre of town,
Pickkem Pugh thinks it should be okay,
thick furrows of an unintelligent frown,
it’s risky but I think I can get away,
the would-be robber checks the door,
the windows, and the places where
the cameras roam around the floor,
the security guard is standing there,
then, into the bank, and running fast,
he whacks the glass with mighty smash
the cashier, in shock, reels from the blast,
he rushes in to grab the cash .
Grabbem at first just sees somebody run,
but then he spots the hijacked sack
with flashes of light in the afternoon sun
on the money spilling down Pickkem’s back.
frightened, the robber runs so far.
panting, pounding, with all his might,
then Grabbem radios for a car,
with wailing siren and flashing light,
they catch the exhausted little man, the brief chase now through,
Grabbem turns him on the floor
gets on the handcuffs, cautions Pugh,
who is then escorted to the police car door
Crikey, boyo, you’re not too bright,
I was outside, you didn’t see?
robbing a bank in broad daylight
is pretty stupid, don’t you agree?
Okay, Grabbem, you’ve got a point
but to call me stupid isn’t fair,
I thought I could really rob this joint...
I wish I’d taken up the offer to cut people’s hair;
I know I’ve been a fair few fights,
but take these handcuffs this time;
this is an infringement of my Human Rights
because I haven’t been charged with any crime.
Right, here goes. Ahem. Rydw chi, Pickkem Pugh o 3
Heol y Cwmann, Y Fenni, iechyd abersychan yr caerfili gogledd clwyd heddlu section pedwar pump ar cerdoffa genedlaithol cymru ond neuadd amgueddfa powys gwent and are therefore charged with er, um, robbing yr banc.
Okay, got that, Mr Pickkem, or is is spelt Piccem, Pugh?
Oh, Grabbem, you’re a poet, your bilinguality is staggering.
It’s an honour to be arrested by you.
You choose the ending. I’m fed up with choosing endings.
Mr Justice Hugh Neckcrush LLB, M Phil, a politically incorrect judge...
'You know what I think? (you cretin)
Ten years in a cell would be about right, Mr Pugh. (you moron)
I know the damp concrete floor and pigeon feathers would stink,
and you (you little creep) can read the graffiti for the next three thousand nights, too.
Constable, you’re a splendid chap, it seems to me,
a Good Egg, and it appears you’re right on course
for a sergeant’s job; or some years hence, maybe
you might be the new Chief Constable of the Force.
Ms Justice 'Baby' Piripin Willow-Wimp
BA (Inter cultural identity and legal knowledge)
a politically correct judge...
looking at Grabbem from the Chair
then at the charge, throwing up hands in frustration
'PC Grabbem, you should be by now, after a course, aware,
we are, in a few places, at least a 10% bilingual nation.
You read his rights in English first, of course,
not Welsh. PC Grabbem, you really are a disgrace
to yourself, your family and the whole Police Force.
I have therefore to throw out the case.
Grabbem opens his mouth in indignation.
'Your Honour, I thought I’m paid to fight crime.
''But the correct paperwork must be done,
it seems to me, Contstable Huw, you’re wasting time.
Your contempt of court is getting me irate.
A fine of a hundred pounds is warranted, I fear.
And to help a country not in the neo-colonialist G8,
you may pay in either peso, dong, kwache, or rupiah.
May the Court Records show justice, I think,
is dispensed habeus corpus, ad hoc, ad nauseum, ad infinitum,
add, plus, minus... pro bono, Bono the rock singer, pro quid, two quid, three quid, pro quo,
et cetera, exempli gratia, floruit,
ibid, id est, absent, and anything else
you think is right and proper, proper and right.
