Professor Potty and Dr Dotty

 PG Tips Impure Science Faculty

Earl Grey School of Linguistics Nonsense
Boh Cameron Highlands University of Tea

Your pseudo-neurone aroma theory
seems to have gone a bit astray.
lf we are not more careful, Dotty,
the behaviourists will get their way.

If A times 10 plus 2qy,
then enter brackets 3QE.
Logic states that 5-foot square
must surely equal 3 BC.

No, that’s nonsense, my dear Professor.
3 times A is 8 fg.
So N2 squared to decimal 4
must be square root of G.

What rot, you cretinous, claptrap chap.
If A square third point decimal G
Then it must be quite clear to you
that 4QZ times 9 is C.

Utter balderdash, you balding fool.
Captain Lipton would agree with me.
If A square 2 plus h8p,
the multiple effect creates law of tea.

The speed of weight and the force of light
run parallel, you must agree.
So 3y squared percentage 9
must result in 8 A3.

The cardinal rule of ordinals
can substitute the primary.
When chemistry is vector 10,
then spectrum must be 4 times t.

You’re getting indigo and astro-turf
confused with sonar, you foolish fellow
Teabags from Switzerland, I thought you knew,
come in ultra orange and infra yellow.

You fossil from the Pleistocene,
4 a squared makes double B.
Remove the bracket, correct raw score,
then 3 plus 8 over10 is E.

Now listen, brontosaurus brain,
take mc2 plus mc3.
Shift decimal place to freezing point,
and change the law of gravity.

The only way to solve this problem
is wipe the board and start again.
If evaporated gram is right,
the hypotenuse must equal 10.

Bracket half and then add 2,
square invert, subtract point 3.
Triangulate the hypotenuse,
might get a section graph of tea.

Well, that seems to make the pie chart warm,
a theory of probability.
Now if the equation really works,
we should get a perfect cup of tea.

Brazil, I think should do the trick.
No, no, Columbian, I must insist.
Ah, Mr Homer, what do you think?


I think you’re completely round the twist.

The countries that you just referred to
grow mainly coffee, little tea.
But I’ll join you, as it’s half past ten,
a pint of garlic cheese for me.

Chap is, dear Dotty, round the bend,
was in the tropics far too long.
Trains his pet frog to play piano;
something must be very wrong.

Yes, I also heard he has a housebound lizard
that he tries to teach the cello.
Is it the heat or the humidity that does it?
He really is a peculiar fellow.

Professor Madya FRGS

 Professor Madya FRGS

(Foundation for Research into Gross Stupidity)

Once I saw him with a biro
writing a poem on his nose.
How que… I mean, how odd.
but I heard he dries the cutlery with his clothes

Told Professor Grumby to bugger off once,
the man at times is so coarse.
I agree, but what about the car park in early March,
feeding peanuts to a horse.

I was talking to dear old Twutty
who once was invited to his house;
served up cabbage with fried egg and fish for them,
cooked a T bone for the mouse.

To raise the water to wet the flowers,
he threw bananas in the Cam;
smashed Chivers Olde English in the street
just to cause a traffic jam.

I heard he did another trick
with their Histon marmalade;
bought a toothbrush and then he painted
the parking lots in King’s Parade.

The students just can’t make it out
who wonder if he’s quite sane,
the only man in the British Isles
who comes to work by aeroplane.

Not any plane, my dear Potty,
a Piper, or Lear jet is not the one;
has his own tin foil 747
thinks it makes flying a lot more fun.

His logic states that both
the foil and the plane are aluminium,
so to save on expensive landing fee
takes of from the top of his condominium.

He’s been arrested twice in Kuala Lumpur
for breaking civil aviation laws;
gave his prison sentence to different charities.
Told me it was for a very good cause.

And this chap is spreading British culture
around the Asia Pacific rim?
It’s quite appalling. Ah here’s the gutter, Dotty,
jump right in, let’s have a swim.

What will the world think of British Academics?
when expatriates behave this ?
Really rich…I mean highly qualified, foreign students
will certainly give the UK a miss.

You’re on the ball, my dear Professor,
something must be put on track
to improve the facultea’s image.
Umm, use the teaspoon to scratch my back.

Come, my dear colleague Dotty,
the taxi’s here, it’s time to go
off to lower upper Mali
to find if tea can grow in snow.

Right ho, my dear esteemed Professor,
passport, ticket, box of tea.
Yes, and don’t forget your nasal eye drops.
The world needs more of you and me.

Right, what’s our schedule? Where’s the map?
Tonga, or Iceland, East China Sea,
Bordeaux, Murmansk, Vladivostock,
Gabon, Peru, and Urumqi.

Rouen, Calais, Hook of Holland,
the Bering Straits to North Siberia
Urals, Don, the Anatolia, Rhodes, Crete,
to the Atlas Mountains, west Algeria.

There are so many places we’ve to go
the map is getting such a mess.
But with forty countries in fifteen days,
we’re bound to get FRGS.

The problem now for both us,
bathing in our usual fame,
is where on earth we find the space
to put more letters after our name.

Let’s see. Professor Potty BSc MA PGCE
FRCS ACCA FRCO FRCP
MD MLitt B Nur B Eng MRPS MIME
B Ed B Good B Off B Bold B Quiet FRSTea


I don’t have a pet frog. It comes in to the kitchen at night.
OK I may talk to it, but not for hours;
perhaps it runs in the family, for my mother used to talk to the flowers
and I do hope the cicak, when he sees a mosquito, will to try to bite.

And yes, I do buy Histon marmalade,
once got a parking ticket in King’s Parade,
pretty woman, too.

Grumby? Dotty?
Twutty? Potty?

I can’t play the piano, apart from a few chords, certainly not the cello;
the viola, yes. Garlic milk? The thing I drink most is Chinese tea,
but, unlike the two morons here, I really am a Fellow
of the Royal Geographical Society.


You were. They withdrew it.
Why?
Bringing the RGS into disrepute.

Munchy lunchy

 one o’clock, round the block

time to munch / eat my lunch
in the car / not so far
park by trees / gentle breeze
insects whine / old leaves pine
monkeys swing / mynahs sing
Mak’s home-cooked canteen food today
cheap polystyrene take away

warm white rice / packed in nice
curry sauce /more of course
soggy rice / tickling spice
carrot crunch / crispy munch
chicken wing / bird no sing
feeling sad / thinking bad
must be some young birdette’s mummy /
‘hope you get an upset tummy’

yum yum yum / fill my tum
chicken pick / finger lick
take off skin / must keep thin
don’t want that / too much fat
chicken bone / now alone
reject meat / ant can eat
cholesterol not good for you
too much and it’s the ICU

orange juice / stomach sluice
suck and slurp / quiet burp
juice has come / in my tum
crumple bag / tissue rag
cool in car / birds afar
windscreen spray / dirt away
rice encrusted finger sticky
right hand only eating tricky

car too hot / not a lot
air con on / rice now gone
thank you Mak / lunch time snack
waistband pull/ tum now full
two fifteen / must be seen
classroom reach / back to teach
cobweb wall, broken door hinge
concrete fading, cracking, cringe

What a day 19 August 2000

 family day

open sky where few clouds run
hot concrete grandstand bleached by the sun
rusting goalposts, food tables pack
grass rough and ready, patchwork track

groups of stalls; blue, green, white
triangular flags in weary flight
teachers’ children tug of war
or sack race, running, what a bore

watching, noting, from beneath the tree
it really’s not my cup of tea
but running children with ice cream
cry, run, and play, cheer parent’s team

booming, microphone voice
being here is not my choice
the birds in trees penetrating protesting
when noisy humans disturb their nesting

non-stop cheering, shouting, talking,
tracksuits, sport shirts, running, walking
concrete mixers rumble by
only me in long sleeves and tie

get your coupon, take some food
smile politely, mustn’t seem rude
Haryati, heap with books up high
staggers near the drain, with worried look going by

then tells me there is a meeting at two fifteen
now what good news could that mean
the vice chancellor talks for an hour or more
then answers questions from the floor

the meeting ends, now time to go
to take the bus where sea winds blow
through waving trees, close by the beach
of soft fine sand, orange, white, peach

now can relax, enjoy the day
as boredom quickly fades away
with the green hill back-cloth and sun coming to night
one time ending, another begins bright

If you like your trousers tight ...

 three cups of orange juice is right

Thursday 3 August pm 2000

Three bags of orange juice took away /
my raging thirst at lunch today /
but didn’t realise I would pay for drinking quite so much

One pm off to open air canteen /
for chicken and rice in polystyrene /
wash my hands to make them clean before I get stuck in

Walk to car park by the trees /
insert key, air con breeze /
put the container on my knees, and begin to eat the chicken

Relaxing afterwards in the car /
thinking music, bar by bar /
toilets suddenly seemed so far,
what was I to do ?

Should be easy by the trees, /
quite discreet, discomfort ease. /
What was that ? I heard a sneeze.
Phew, that was close,
the Provost.

Just wait a while, it’s OK /
but remember, haven’t got all day /
I’m sure that I can find a way.
Not now, office staff.

Coast is clear, let’s have a try /
out of the car, watch the sky. /
You’re probably are thinking why,
Aargh ! Bicycle girls are here.

Pretty things gave me a fright. /
Holding legs now very tight. /
not a quiet place in sight.
Oh no, not Mastiniwati.

Just park your bike, then take a walk.. /
Oh girl, you don’t really want to talk. /
Bottled up worry about cork,
I’m desperate for a you know what.

Yes. How interesting. I agree /
hurry up, get away from me /
the pressure’s growing inside me.
Oh yes, goodbye, Miss Tini.

At last can try and have a go, /
body tense, am moving slow. /
Next time you drink, oh no, no, no,
Zaleha and her pals.

hiya, sir, how are you today ?
Fine. Big smile. Go away.
Do something useful, run and play.
They’re nice girls. What, check your work?

Oh, this is bad now, but what to do?
How long must I sit this through?
No more corrections, it’s up to you.
Nine or ten long minutes.

Mr Richard, please explain /
what is ship and aeroplane? /
Listen girls, I’m in a bit of pain,
it’s awkward to tell you why

But sir, can practice module 4 /
job interview, 10 minutes more. /
I really am now getting sore.
Girls, why don’t you go home?

But sir, we like to talk to you /
and we got nothing else to do. /
Melissa, Nora, Mawarni too,
they really love to talk.

Girls, I really have to go /
before something begins to flow. /
I don’t care, the answer’s no.
They think I’m not quite right.

Run from car, lots of stares.
Corridor blocked by swearing chairs.
Forgot must climb the wretched stairs.
Ground floor, ladies.

Orange juice, most would agree
is full of health and vitamin C,
but drink too much, and it can be,


er, well, you know.

Morning by Kwang Hwa

 Key to KNoWledGe, Kettle oN, Keep oN moANiNG, KeretA to seKolAH, Key to KNoWledGe, KerjA, Kerb pArK, Kopi, KAyA

WorKiNG WeeK, WeAry, WAitiNG for WeeKeNd to come, uNiform uNpAcK bAG, uNder 40’s motHer, WAry, WrApped up iN oWN miNi-World of sHop, tuitioN, cooKiNG, WAtcH proGrAmme, uNiNterestiNG, uNKNoWN to ANy, I WAtcH, Nice

ArticulAte Assembly ANNouNcemeNt, Art, Appetite, ANKle cHAiN ANd jeANs motHer, AWAre of fAsHioN, ANKle cHAiN, jeANs, or sHorts, if leGs AlloW, AsAp,
ANGGiN pANtAi, Air limAu, AyAm

NosHiNG Noodles, NotebooK, Number, NeiGHbour’s NeWspAper, uNiNterestiNG
NelAyN, NAsi miNyAK, NAtter iN coffe sHop, cHit-cHAt, NotHiNG of importANce, NoW, NAil WAter bill, NAb NeW Groceries from you Hoe, Nip iNto bANK, NyAmuK NAtter WitH mrs ANG (AssistANt mANAGer), NeNAs sWeet

GeoGrApHy, Gobble GrAiNs of rice; Go Gest Go to GesticulAtiNG mArKet, Get GuAvA, Gold sHop GArNisHiNG by preseNce, GreeN GAs bottle, GoriNG pisANG, GrAiN rice, GArAm, GulA, tHeN dr GiGi


HomeWorK, HAlf time, HAppy Hurry cANteeN, History,
WritiNG,
AsiA, AfterNooN AtHletics, AH ArGue iN Aimless AmbieNce, About NotHiNG of ANy importANce, ANyWAy

oH, morNiNG fiNisHed AlreAdy? Time to eAt. WAH.

I eat rice, soup, chicken, fish, and vegetable for lunch, dinner, everyday of the year. Waaah.teA, doWN toAst, duNK eGG WitH soy sAuce, or pecK At

ubiquitous pAcKets of rice, uNimpAired WitH plAte

PerU 0 ArGeNtiNA 1

todAy, We pAiNted tHe bAcK WAll WHite,
reflectiNG tHe eveNiNG mooN by NiGHt
tHeN tHe sUN HAd some fUN
ANd pAiNted me from HeAd to KNee
A rAtHer striKiNG iNcA piNKA mAcHo peAcHo


tAti HAiKu (jANuAry 2002)

by tHe fAlliNG suN
tHe leAves ANd brANcHes WAitiNG
for tHe cool NiGHt Air

P C Grabbem Huw

 PC Grabbem Huw, told by the sergeant where to go,

he patrols the town on the concrete beat,
with truncheon, whistle, and radio.
It’s harsh on the ears and hard on the feet,

peering, observing, looking right,
makes sure that no one steals a car,
no robbery, no vicious fight,
or shouting and vomiting outside the bar,

a smile for Granddad, nod at you,
he walks around in rain and sun,
a quick word for a housewife too,
cautioning youths who have too much fun,

but by the bank in the centre of town,
Pickkem Pugh thinks it should be okay,
thick furrows of an unintelligent frown,
it’s risky but I think I can get away,

the would-be robber checks the door,
the windows, and the places where
the cameras roam around the floor,
the security guard is standing there,

then, into the bank, and running fast,
he whacks the glass with mighty smash
the cashier, in shock, reels from the blast,
he rushes in to grab the cash .

Grabbem at first just sees somebody run,
but then he spots the hijacked sack
with flashes of light in the afternoon sun
on the money spilling down Pickkem’s back.

frightened, the robber runs so far.
panting, pounding, with all his might,
then Grabbem radios for a car,
with wailing siren and flashing light,

they catch the exhausted little man, the brief chase now through,
Grabbem turns him on the floor
gets on the handcuffs, cautions Pugh,
who is then escorted to the police car door

Crikey, boyo, you’re not too bright,
I was outside, you didn’t see?
robbing a bank in broad daylight
is pretty stupid, don’t you agree?

Okay, Grabbem, you’ve got a point
but to call me stupid isn’t fair,
I thought I could really rob this joint...
I wish I’d taken up the offer to cut people’s hair;

I know I’ve been a fair few fights,
but take these handcuffs this time;
this is an infringement of my Human Rights
because I haven’t been charged with any crime.

Right, here goes. Ahem. Rydw chi, Pickkem Pugh o 3
Heol y Cwmann, Y Fenni, iechyd abersychan yr caerfili gogledd clwyd heddlu section pedwar pump ar cerdoffa genedlaithol cymru ond neuadd amgueddfa powys gwent and are therefore charged with er, um, robbing yr banc.

Okay, got that, Mr Pickkem, or is is spelt Piccem, Pugh?
Oh, Grabbem, you’re a poet, your bilinguality is staggering.
It’s an honour to be arrested by you.

You choose the ending. I’m fed up with choosing endings.
Mr Justice Hugh Neckcrush LLB, M Phil, a politically incorrect judge...

'You know what I think? (you cretin)
Ten years in a cell would be about right, Mr Pugh. (you moron)
I know the damp concrete floor and pigeon feathers would stink,
and you (you little creep) can read the graffiti for the next three thousand nights, too.

Constable, you’re a splendid chap, it seems to me,
a Good Egg, and it appears you’re right on course
for a sergeant’s job; or some years hence, maybe
you might be the new Chief Constable of the Force.

Ms Justice 'Baby' Piripin Willow-Wimp
BA (Inter cultural identity and legal knowledge)
a politically correct judge...

looking at Grabbem from the Chair
then at the charge, throwing up hands in frustration
'PC Grabbem, you should be by now, after a course, aware,
we are, in a few places, at least a 10% bilingual nation.

You read his rights in English first, of course,
not Welsh. PC Grabbem, you really are a disgrace
to yourself, your family and the whole Police Force.
I have therefore to throw out the case.

Grabbem opens his mouth in indignation.
'Your Honour, I thought I’m paid to fight crime.
''But the correct paperwork must be done,
it seems to me, Contstable Huw, you’re wasting time.

Your contempt of court is getting me irate.
A fine of a hundred pounds is warranted, I fear.
And to help a country not in the neo-colonialist G8,
you may pay in either peso, dong, kwache, or rupiah.

May the Court Records show justice, I think,
is dispensed habeus corpus, ad hoc, ad nauseum, ad infinitum,
add, plus, minus... pro bono, Bono the rock singer, pro quid, two quid, three quid, pro quo,
et cetera, exempli gratia, floruit,
ibid, id est, absent, and anything else
you think is right and proper, proper and right.