The wall between the two

A play in one act

Richard Homer

Cast of Characters

MITCH
c 55, a politician, chairman of the talk

BRITNEY
c 45, a businesswoman, own company

BRETT
c 40, a left wing political journalist

MELANIE
c 35, a social commentator, activist

JOSH
c 50, a right wing business journalist

The play takes place in the present time, the programme being recorded on air.

Opening music: Harp, Glenda Clwyd, from her website, 40”

Closing music: Men of Harlech, Charlotte Church, 1’ – 1’ 45”, Youtube concert

At rise: in a room, plain, typical meeting room, with a long table. At the top of table, the moderator, the two pairs of protagonists on each side, one male and one female.

MITCH:
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, wherever you are this afternoon around the British Isles, welcome again, and a very good afternoon to you all, wherever you may be, a very good afternoon to you, whoever you are, excluding members of the Opposition in Parliament. Ha, ha, that’s joke, a very good afternoon to you too. This afternoon, my distinguished panel of guests will examine a major issue of out time, giving their unique insights into what makes Europe go on and on; with, of course pertinent and probing questions from me, your host today, Mitch Gunsmith, MP for somewhere north of the border, but in it. With me today are, in no particular order, Britney Burke, entrepreneur, and owner of the Burke Empire, one of Britain’s major business conglomerates; opposite her, in political terms, are Melanie Rug, a social activist and commentator for the left wing press; she is also a keen and passionate vegetarian. With her is Brett Newage, a journalist who specialises in political analysis for a number of minority interest journals and magazines, but they are of course of interest to a minority of people, maybe too, a useful addition and balance to the mainstream press; and last but not least, Josh Hoop, who writes for major newspapers on business and world affairs, but from a distinctive right wing, non vegetarian perspective. The topic this we have this afternoon: How much does modern furniture design contribute to a European identity? I’ll begin with Josh. What does furniture mean to you?

JOSH:
It’s something I use for my general convenience around the house. Rather that work, eat and sleep on the floor, I can use a bed, a table, and a chair. That’s it for me.

MITCH:
Good point, Josh; brief and to the point, that’s what you’re known for. Melanie?

MELANIE:
Good afternoon, Mitch, and everyone. Furniture has, throughout history, meant a lot to people as an expression of creative art, rather than the simple capitalist and brutal use that Josh has just shown us. I notice too, Josh, that you didn’t bother to welcome the audience. You’re known for your rudeness, too.

JOSH:
Good. You’re known for your stupidity.

MITCH:
Josh, please. Melanie sees furniture as an expression of Man’s art. Right, thank you. Britney?

BRITNEY:
I would tend to agree with Josh. Modern furniture is less of an art form than throughout history. Gone are the craftsmen who used to make it –

MELANIE:
and women.

BRITNEY:
Craftsmen who used to make it, there being, Melanie, no females workers in most of history, try reading the odd book now and then, and modern furniture is made by machine rather than by hand, rendering the need for skilled craftsmen obsolete. The design is done by computer, and the cutting and to a certain extent, the assembly to, is done by machine. I would agree that furniture making, not manufacturing, please note, years ago was an art form. It is not today, in my opinion, and I run one of the biggest furniture makers in Europe, I know what I’m talking about.

BRETT:
I like you modesty, Britney.

BRITNEY:
I’m glad you like something. You left wingers seem to dislike everything, apart from expensive lounges where you indulge in fatuous, useless political gossip. Oh, and a country retreat, for that, read second house.

MELANIE:
I think that’s quite unfair to Brett.

JOSH:
If you think something Melanie, then the opposite is probably true.

MITCH:
Brett, your thoughts on furniture and a European identity.

BRETT:
In my opinion, there are two separate threads to follow here. One, throughout history, furniture was the preserve of the rich; the capitalist, land owning, business class who made their fortune through abuse, violence and war. They employed skilled craftsmen to create a symbol of oppression and wealth. The poor craftsmen got nothing, except an honourable mention in history. The rich then used the furniture to impress others, who in turn wanted the same, giving rise to a cycle of production that fuelled further greed by the rich.

JOSH:
You’re an idiot.

BRETT:
No, you are, a bickering, money grabbing fool, toad of the rich.

JOSH:
I am rich.

BRETT:
The second point is that, in the context of the question, the furniture industry is important in European integration because through hundreds of years of capitalist oppression and exploitation of the working masses, a movement of solidarity has arisen, with fellow European workers in the same area of the working man’s expertise forming a bond of cultural, technical and social empathy, and will further encourage the rebellion of workers towards their masters, and result in the growth of an international brotherhood of working people who are prepared to fight to the last to see the socialist paradise that awaits them, each getting a just and equitable cut, if that is the word, of the national cake, rather than the teaspoon of sour and mouldy crumbs left over after the rampant hyenas of thoroughbred greed and power have taken their over-consuming and arrogant portion.

Audience cheer.

MITCH:
A powerful, passionate, and pungent thump of explosive thought there from Brett.

MELANIE:
Hear, hear, Brett; that’s was superb. I agree with you every word. We are sailors on the ocean of change, Brett.

JOSH:
I would call it a powerful, passionate and pungent thump of unadulterated tripe. You’re talking complete bloody rubbish.

MELANIE:
Ignore the fascist, Brett. We are together, millions of us, charting our way through the putrid and poisonous waters of capitalist filth. The ship of change is here, Brett.

Audience cheer.

BRITNEY:
If we have good fortune, the two of you will fall overboard, when the engines are at full speed and there’s heavy rain and thunder in the middle of the night.

JOSH:
Poor fish.

Audience boo.

MELANIE:
I wish no harm on you, Josh, even if you are a fascist prick. I pity you rather that hate you.

BRETT:
I pity you both too, Britney and Josh; you think you own the world, but the world rejects your grasping clutching, and will throw you off, to join the masses that must work for a living, rather than living off carrion as the two of you do now.

Audience cheer.

BRITNEY:
It’s clear to me, Brett, that you’re not all that bright, rather like the audience here.

Audience boo.

BRITNEY: cont
You could try damage limitation exercise, i.e. keep your mouth shut for most of the time.

BRETT:
That’s quite offensive, Britney. I’m here as a member of the panel, and I have the right to talk as I please. My thoughts are as important as yours, get that straight, you hear.

MITCH:
Brett has a point there. We’re entitled to our own opinion, unless it offends anyone.

BRITNEY:
You just shot yourself, Mitch.

MITCH:
Where?

JOSH:
I wouldn’t bother, Britney. It doesn’t work in these kinds of brain.

BRETT:
What are you talking about?

JOSH:
There you are, I told you.

MELANIE:
It sounds gobbledygook to me.

JOSH:
Why doesn’t that surprise me, Melanie?

MELANIE:
What doesn’t surprise you?

JOSH:
You, Melanie.

MELANIE:
Oh, me? Why me? What’s surprising about me?

BRITNEY:
You are the surprise, Melanie.

MELANIE:
Oh, I am?

BRITNEY:
I’d leave it now, Melanie. I think you’ve said enough for now.

MELANIE:
I haven’t said anything.

JOSH:
I think that’s what Britney is getting at, Melanie.

MELANIE:
Why do the two of you keep using my name?

BRITNEY:
Oh, you noticed, did you? That’s a clever girl. Many people notice their name, Melanie; it often begins around the age of one.

BRETT:
Oh, lay off her, Britney.

JOSH:
It might come as a surprise to you, Melanie, but you are Melanie. That’s why we call you Melanie. You might find your mother, father, brother, sister, husband etc also call you Melanie.

MELANIE:
Oh, my husband calls me Snuggychugg in bed, just after we put the lights out…I mean…well…some people have…a special name…

MITCH:
Ha, my wife calls me the Tiger of the Borders when I’m wearing my pyjamas, getting ready to go to bed, when we’re…um, yes, right, I think we…must try to …get back…to the topic…what is the topic? Oh, European identity and furniture. Right, Josh, fire away.

JOSH:
Modern furniture has resulted in a new European identity, one of mass produced items that look almost the same wherever you are. You go into a modern apartment, be it in northern Europe, or southern Europe, and if the furniture is anything made after 1975, the place looks almost the same; there’s no difference between them.

BRITNEY:
You’re right, the result is a unique kind of unreal, cloying blandness; you wouldn’t know where you are, rather like these modern hotel chains; are you in Japan or England? You don’t know.

BRETT:
You do if you look at the weather.

MELANIE:
Good point, Brett. The weather is different in different countries. Some are hot and some are cold. The weather changes, too.

BRITNEY:
That’s right, Melanie, weather changes from place to place.

JOSH:
Brett, it might come as a surprise to you, but the weather is out there, not in a building. One doesn’t invite the weather in. Therefore, if you are in a room, unless you look about of the window, it’s tricky to know where you are these days; that’s what Britney is getting at.

BRITNEY:
The new European yuppie concept in furniture, the European identity.

MITCH:
That’s it, a new European identity. That might be in theory, but we’re talking about the real world, aren’t we?

BRETT:
Of course. And theory and practice aren’t the same. All men are equal etc. We all know what that means in practice.

BRITNEY:
I’d agree with Brett there. We just have to think of almost any conflict to see that’s true. But one must also ask the question, how has this come to be. Capitalism is not to blame for everything. There’s also a human and social factor to be put into the equation, isn’t there?

MELANIE:
That’s all very well to go on and on about resolution this and resolution that, but the reality is, this is going to go on until someone is prepared to give up something for nothing in return. Who wants to begin?

JOSH:
That’s true; in the real world, that doesn’t happen. The major player in world conflict is the United Nations. What have they done? The UN has failed many times; it has rarely succeeded in getting anything…

BRETT:
That’s nonsense. The UN has had a long and, one might argue, quite distinguished record of successful achievement.

JOSH:
I’d agree with you there. The success of their incompetence is quite remarkable. There are few organisations in the world to match this record. It needs to be scrapped; the money you would get for their land and buildings would go a long way to helping the poor. You tell me: what is the point of having dozens of so called diplomats, by and large from Third World, impoverished failed countries, wandering around the different UN headquarters, doing precious little work except going from one reception to another, and being paid a handsome salary whilst the rest of their fellow countrymen and women walk around in rags, don’t have healthcare, suffer from famine and malnutrition, and would know a free and fair election if it hit them.

BRETT:
That shows nothing but your ingrained prejudice and latent racism. You shouldn’t be permitted to air such opinions. Talk about balanced journalism.

JOSH:
I’m entitled to my opinion; what are you so frightened of, answer me that?

MITCH:
I think, gentlemen, we must get back to the main point, ladies and gentlemen. This has become one of the most pressing news items of the month, indeed many might argue, of the year, a topic that, as we have heard, is of paramount importance to both sides in the conflict. Britney Burke, you have worked in financial analysis for the past fifteen years, and you specialise in small emerging business markets. How does the present crisis differ in any way to similar crises that have happened before? I was thinking of the opposition by many people to the European Union.

BRITNEY:
Thank you. You’re right, of course. The European Union is a classic example of bureaucracy gone mad, to the exclusion of an open and efficient market economy. Laws appear to be enacted without, it would appear to me, taking the welfare and choice of the consumer into consideration. The present situation is no different, except for one factor. This is the conflict to which you referred to earlier. Unless the essential issues are tackled in a serious manner, and resolved in a short space of time, then the situation with remain as the status quo, or get worse. There are no half measures here.

MELANIE:
The EU was set up for business; come on, Britney, your own company has benefited from having the EU. You have made a fortune from it.

BRITNEY:
You’re right, Melanie, I have. I have made a fortune…from my company, and, let me remind you; the shareholders and the workforce too, have done very nicely, too. Not all owners keep one hundred percent of the profits in their own bank account; or in my case, my own bank. But I didn’t make a fortune from the EU. The bureaucracy has cost me a fortune.

BRETT:
The bureaucracy is there to stop people like you taking advantage of cheap labour.

BRITNEY:
Grow up, Brett. Bureaucracy was invented by the French to employ the unemployable. If half the bureaucrats in the EU, or OPEC, or any London borough, or provincial administration in Australia or Canada or wherever didn’t turn up for work ever again, few people would notice, and local government, state departments would continue to function. Let’s be honest, most government departments and agencies are a waste of money and space. It would benefit the economy if you were to knock down ninety precent of government buildings, and use the land to grow herbs or spices or fruit, or grass the place to play sport.

MELANIE:
Use the land to grow spices? In this climate? What a joke.

BRITNEY:
That’s because you think in the way you do, hampered by intellect, or in your case, lack of it, and imagination, or in your case, lack of it; a businessman, or woman, an entrepreneur, would find a way, such as growing things in a building that generations knew as a greenhouse. The name ring a bell, Melanie?

MITCH:
I think we should try to make it a little less personal, people. Josh, what do you think?

JOSH:
Yes, I agree with Britney. How can you, the taxpayer, justifying supporting non-stop loss making outfits that, in general, benefit a few.

BRETT:
You sound like one of the BNP.

JOSH:
Maybe I am, but nothing to do with you. You’re a card carrying member of the Communist Party.

BRETT:
That’s nothing to do with you.

JOSH:
Touché; that’s my point.

BRETT:
It’s typical of you to make an ad hominem attack, just because you disagree with someone.

MELANIE:
I think we all know what Josh’s opinions are; we read about them everyday, their bias, their invective against the working class, their distortion of the facts; don’t let facts get in the way of a good juicy story, Josh.

JOSH:
I don’t, Melanie. And thank you for reading my articles. It’s nice to know the opposition takes me as a serious journalist.

MELANIE:
I don’t think you are.

JOSH: In that case, why are so uptight, and why do you read me?

MELANIE: I…

JOSH: Please continue.

MITCH: I think I’d like to bring Britney in here. How are these new regulations going to affect your business?

BRITNEY: We expect to have some teething problems, but nothing that we think we can’t handle in the long run. In fact, we might even benefit from them. There are ways to get around government bureaucracy.

BRETT: You mean there are ways that you and your group of companies can make bigger profits than you do at present.

MELANIE: Taking good care of the workforce, no doubt, in the process, are you?

BRITNEY: You’re right. I do, and I’m proud of it, too.

JOSH: I think that both you, Melanie and Brett, should be aware of the fact that
Britney's companies pay above the minimum wage, and unlike other organisations, employ by and large, local people. Ninety eight per cent of the people in her Scottish operations, to give one example, are locals, born and bred; the Highlands operations use one hundred percent local people; the hotels, the fishing, the clothing industry, the eco-tourism. She might make money, but she puts a lot into the local economy too, enriching the people both in financial terms, and in less tangible social ways.

MITCH: That’s a fair point, Josh. Melanie, would you like to counter?

MELANIE: Count what?

MITCH: I said would you like to counter the argument, Josh’s argument?

MELANIE: Oh, well, if you put enough money into something, it’s bound to work. Any fool knows that.

BRETT: That’s why the capitalist system works; you throw in enough money, and you get the results. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer. It’s not a new idea. We all know that.

MELANIE: You’re right, Brett. People like Britney make money because they have money; it’s not that difficult. You pump in enough, you get results. The petroleum industry is a good example. They try place after place after place, and when they strike oil and gas, that’s when the money begins flowing, if you’ll excuse the pun on ‘flowing’.

BRETT: Ha, ha, Melanie, that’s what I call humour. You’re brilliant at times, Melanie, quite witty.

MELANIE: Thank you, Brett. It takes similar minds to connect with subtlety.

BRETT: Oh, absolutely, Melanie; I agree one hundred percent.
JOSH: It takes similar minds to connect with stupidity, too.
MITCH: Josh, please, let’s keep it clean, please.
BRITNEY: I’d like to come back to Melanie’s point about pouring money…oh, excuse the pun on ‘pouring’, the double entendre, the oil ‘pouring’, and the ‘poor’ people, Melanie, just to spell it out in simple English…P,O,U,R, and P,O,O,R…you mentioned about pouring money in and getting results. You can think back as far as that?

MELANIE: Yes, thank you, I’m not an idiot.

JOSH: I beg your pardon?

MELANIE: I said I’m not an idiot. I know what she’s talking about. There’s no need to be so offensive. You’re a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

BRETT: I’d agree with that.

JOSH: You’d agree with Melanie if she said Kenya would win the next FIFA World Cup.

MELANIE: Maybe they will. Who are you to dismiss an East African country? They might win.

JOSH: I think that if you take the trouble to read ‘The Nation’ from Nairobi, not even the most biased football supporter would argue, even after four bottles of Tusker, that Kenya are going to win the World Cup. They’d be happy if they won the East African Cup, let alone the African Nations Cup.

MITCH: Ha, ha. But I suppose if they can’t win the cup, they might win a saucer…Ha, ha… oh, right, let’s get back. Where were we?

BRITNEY: I wanted to ask Melanie here about pouring money into an institution; she argues that it will be successful, is that right?

BRETT: That’s correct; she said that, and I agree.

BRITNEY: Is your name Melanie? In that case, keep your mouth shut.

BRETT: That’s quite offensive. No wonder in the business world you’re known as Queen Bitch.

MITCH: Brett, please, this is live on air; let’s maintain a sense of propriety, can we?

BRITNEY: Oh, Brett, we share the same epithet! How nice. I’m the Queen Bitch of business; you’re the Queen Bitch of Fleet Street. The first time a man has held that honour. How nice! There is one slight problem. The Queen is the female boss; the bitch the female animal. You, on the other hand, are a man –

JOSH: We hope you are!

BRITNEY: and a bitch man is not regarded in the same way, n’est-ce pas?

MELANIE: You are getting quite out of line, Britney.

MITCH: That’s right. I think we must calm down and try to keep the object of this debate in focus, people.

JOSH: What a good idea, Mitch. You should try to become the next Speaker of the Commons. You certainly carry a lot of authority; you control things well, too.

MITCH: Oh, I didn’t know that. I must have a word with the Chief Whip or Prime Minister or whoever does these things; I think, and this is a personal opinion of course, I think I’d look pretty good in those clothes. I could use the hammer to effect, too.

BRITNEY: I’m sure you could. You’d be an excellent Speaker, Mitch. We’d have live comedy throughout the short working day that you people are forced to endure for at least four days a week.

MITCH: Hear, hear.

JOSH: Well done, Mitch.

BRITNEY: Back to my question, Melanie. You think that by pouring money into a project, a plan, a government initiative, call it what you like, you are going to solve the problem? That is the gist of your argument, am I correct?

BRETT: That’s right – oh, sorry, I’m not Melanie.

BRITNEY: Well done, Brett, what a memory. Right, you think any institution will improve, be a success with enough money?

MELANIE: Yes. The pharmaceutical industry comes to mind, too. They invest millions, but they get far in excess of that back, as gross profit, gross in the sense of obscene.

JOSH: I didn’t know you knew such long words, Melanie.

MELANIE: Oh, shut up.

BRITNEY: You see, Melanie, I can think of one government operation, if you’ll excuse the pun, where money is no object, yet is by most people’s account, an abject failure, and that is the NHS.

BRETT: What’s wrong with the NHS? It’s doing a wonderful job.

BRITNEY: The question should be what’s right with it? In a sense, it is doing a wonderful, as an employment agency. I don’t have the figures with me, but the number of employees in the tens of thousands. The problem is that the whole operation doesn’t function well. There are waiting lists going on for months, for operations; there are still, after I don’t know how many years, mixed wards; the places are cockroach infested, and super bugs seem to crop up everywhere with monotonous regularity. It’s not quite the right image for a so called industrialised First World country.

BRETT: It’s the envy of the world, make no mistake.

BRITNEY: I haven’t made a mistake, you have. It’s the envy of part of the Third World. Why do you think so many doctors and nurses are quitting, and often emigrating? If the NHS were a success story, you wouldn’t have the huge number of overseas staff, mostly from less than advanced countries, coming here, nor would you have the British medical profession fleeing the place. The facts, the reality of the situation are hitting you, yet most people don’t seem to notice. One of my neighbours had an hour’s journey, three days a week, to have kidney dialysis. He used to leave the house around 7 am, and get back around three. What kind of system is that? He had no choice; that was the nearest hospital giving that treatment, in spite of the fact there is a hospital five minutes away by taxi.

BRETT: Maybe he went shopping after the treatment; that’s why he got back late.

JOSH: Brett, try not to be so bloody stupid all the time, will you?

MITCH: I think he’s joking.

JOSH: He’s too bloody stupid to be joking.

BRETT: You mind your mouth, mind your manners. You’re a thug with a pen.

JOSH: Idiot.

BRITNEY: The reality is there, but people don’t notice. I know someone who goes to a clinic which has a pharmacy, a small one, attached to the practice. But he cannot buy any medicine there, because he doesn’t live far enough away. So, although unwell, he has to traipse into the town centre, hang around until some assistant decides to take the prescription, hang around until she can find the pharmacist to sign the paper, then go home. He waited forty five minutes once for, I think, one tube of cream, something simple. It’s pitiful.

MELANIE: I think these are isolated cases. I don’t think this type of thing happens on a regular basis. It couldn’t; there would be letters to the newspapers.

BRITNEY: There are letters, and these things do happen, whether or not you chattering classes like it or not.

BRETT: Then tell us, Britney, what’s the solution?

JOSH: Ah, so there is a problem, Brett, is there?

BRETT: I didn’t mention a problem.

JOSH: Then why use the word solution? You don’t have a solution without a problem.

BRETT: What I meant was that I wanted Britney’s opinion on what should be done.

JOSH: You’ve done it again. If there’s something to be done, that means there’s a problem. You don’t do something if there’s nothing to be done.

BRETT: You know what I mean.

JOSH: I know that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

MELANIE: Why don’t you give over, Josh? No wonder you’re such a big name; it’s your mouth.

JOSH: Thank you for letting me know I’m a big name, Melanie; I knew that already, and I’m well known because I get the facts straight and talk common sense, neither of which you or Brett here seems capable of; that’s the reason why.

BRETT: Modesty isn’t one of your traits, is it?

JOSH: No, but neither is intelligence one of yours, is it?

MITCH: Gentlemen, gentlemen, let’s cool things down, shall we? This is an on air debate, and there are people listening.

BRITNEY: Oh, is that right, Mitch. I had no idea that people listened to a live broadcast; how silly of me.

MITCH: Britney, my dear, let’s keep it polite, shall we?

BRETT: That’s asking a lot from these two.

MELANIE: Yes, I agree. You can’t expect public school educated toffs to be able to hold a polite argument. They’re too used to running the British Empire.

JOSH: Oh, Melanie, you do it again and again. If you weren’t such a nice person, as just a person, as opposed to the idiot you are in professional life, it would be funny. But you talk such utter balderdash, such tripe.

MITCH: Mind your language Josh. She’s a woman, you know.

BRITNEY: Oh, so she is. Well done, Mitch.

BRETT: Funny girl, Britney.

BRITNEY: Funny woman; I’m in my forties, Brett. What are you going on about, Melanie? The British Empire finished a half century ago. The vast majority of people in this country today played no part in the Empire, have no interest in the Empire, and even less interest in the Commonwealth. They go to work, go home with their family, and enjoy life as much as they can on the limited wages most people get. Then they go to sleep; that’s it. If you think people like me have some sort of hang up over the Empire, you’re way out. If I had my way, I’d pull out of the Commonwealth; there’s little wealth in most of it, and even less in common.

MELANIE: I think that’s a terrible attitude; we went to these countries, trampled all over them, extracted their resources for our industry, made a fortune from the colonies, and now you want to abandon them. That’s typical of your narrow minded business class; it’s money all the time.

JOSH: Owning a house, as you do, Melanie, in Chelsea, also needs money.

MELANIE: That’s my husband’s house. He inherited it.

BRITNEY: Bang, bang again, Melanie.

MITCH: I think we’re getting a bit too personal, people. Can we keep on the topic please?

BRITNEY: I think Josh and I are keeping on the topic. It’s these two who are wandering. Right, let’s get a few things straight, Melanie. ‘We’ didn’t go anywhere. Certain very privileged people, a small number, went on behalf of the very privileged crowd who made up the government of the day. Two, we didn’t go to many ‘countries’; a few, yes. Most of the ‘countries’ that ‘the British’ went to, didn’t exist then. The people who went there went to open areas, to areas with no existing government or sense of national identity. Most of the Commonwealth countries today didn’t exist one hundred years ago. Three, Britain was making a fortune from the colonies. That is debateable; there is a book, whose name I am ashamed I have forgotten, by two British historians. They argue that, far from making money, the colonies were responsible for a huge drain on the economy of this country. You should try to get hold of a copy and read it.

BRETT: I refuse to read anything written by racists or fascists.

JOSH: Well done, Brett. You’re narrowing your already thin mind minute by minute. Who said the writers are racist?

MELANIE: They must be; you would write a book defending the British Empire unless you were a racist.

JOSH: Try reading the book first, Melanie.

MITCH: That’s an excellent idea, Josh. Try reading the book, Melanie.

BRITNEY: My fourth point is about abandoning the colonies. It seems to have escaped your notice that there was such a thing as the independence movement in most countries, and far from abandoning colonies, they won their lawful independence.

BRETT: They had to struggle to get it, though. The British didn’t want to give up power.

MELANIE: In some countries there was fighting; the people were determined to throw off the yoke of imperialism, and they succeeded, too.

JOSH: I agree with both of you…up to a point.

BRETT: You do? Oh…

MITCH: That’s quite an about turn, Josh. What is that?

JOSH: There’s no about turn, Mitch. I said I agree with them up to a point. In some countries there was a struggle for power, and there was some fighting. But if one considers the size and area of the Empire, the bulk of it became independent in a peaceful way. But to come back to Melanie’s stupidity, I mean, Melanie’s point about the people throwing off the yoke of repression, the majority of the inhabitants of most colonies were unaware that they were living in a colony, and for certain they had no concept of imperialism. I can’t imagine a British Colonial official walking into some village in the back of beyond and asking the locals if they were oppressed by British imperialism, and if so, what were they going to do about it. For most people in the colonies, life was a struggle to get by, in much the same way as it was for the ordinary man and woman in this country at the same time. Not everyone in British colonial times had a country manor and a three storey town house.

MITCH: Ha, ha, got you there! My family did; we had, well, we still have a two hundred acre place up in the Scottish borders, and a house in Edinburgh; nice place, too. Wonderful scenery from the top floor; the place in the country’s wonderful for shooting; we keep a herd of deer there, too, help the environment, green planet etc…um, yes, well, I think…we’d better… move on…I send Oxfam five pounds a month…it feeds someone somewhere…you know…peanut butter and a…glass of milk…one has to do one’s little bit…you know…

BRITNEY: I think so; you might get a knighthood for that, Mitch.

MITCH: That’s what I’m hoping…hoping…hoping other people get…for their…effort…the environment…global warming…polar bears…Eskimos…rain forest…you know what I mean?

BRETT: No

MELANIE: No.

JOSH: You’re a fine man, Mitch. Britain needs people like you.

MITCH: Thank you, Josh. I appreciate that. Right, enough about me, let’s get back to the topic. We’ve heard from the four of you, and you’ve make some good points, some very good points, some very good points…and I think our listeners will…appreciate …everything. Thank you. Right, Britney. I’d like to ask you a question, to put you on the spot, so to speak. You argued, in fine fashion, if I might use that expression, that the colonies were a major benefit to Britain. I would like to know –

BRITNEY: No I didn’t. I argued the opposite.

MITCH: Right. I’d like to ask you a question. You argued that the colonies were of no benefit to Britain. What I’d like to know is, in your opinion, history not repeating itself, if, all other things being equal, is it a certainty that the Commonwealth, that is, the countries that are now independent that were, in former times many years ago, were these countries, are these countries, if I can put it that way, is it , would they, could they, if the age of imperialism and expansion of the British Empire had in fact not occurred, or had occurred in a different place, and at a different time, and maybe in a different way, these factors taken into effect, would the Commonwealth, as we know it, would it exist?

BRITNEY: That’s an excellent question, Mitch, well put. The answer is, of course, yes and no.

MITCH: Thank you. Brett, would you like to take up on Britney’s opinion?

BRETT: I think Britney, and the typewriting hooligan here, epitomise just what is wrong with our society; money, greed, exploitation, environmental damage, global warming, famine…the list goes on and on; these things are the direct result of the actions of people like Josh and Britney here. They are the defenders and propagandists of the capitalist exploitation of the working man and woman, and the protagonist of the effort that keeps it in motion. If we can rid this country of these people, their way of thinking, their control over industry etc, then we would have a society where everyone would benefit.

JOSH: Where everyone would benefit from unemployment, with no money, because the economy would collapse, firms would go elsewhere, the whole place would be even worse off that the miserable condition it’s in now.

MELANIE: What’s miserable about Britain? It must be good enough for you; otherwise you’d have left the place.

JOSH: You’re right about the second part. If it were that bad, I’d be off. But I have a pretty well paid job with the newspaper –

MITCH: With a pretty secretary, too, Josh! Ha, ha. No? No secretary? Oh…

JOSH: The first part of your statement about Britain being miserable; you cannot be serious. What’s miserable about Britain? I suggest you walk around, get away from Chelsea and Richmond, and ask the ordinary people what’s miserable about this place. It would be much quicker to make a list of what’s good about the place.

MELANIE: Right, big mouth, what’s good about Britain? What do you like about it?

JOSH: The major plus factor is the entertainment value of people like you and Brett; it’s worth putting up with half a year of winter just to listen to you ramble on and on.

BRETT: There you go again; you’re vulgar.

JOSH: No, I’m Josh. What else is there? Most of the country is pretty, in places quite beautiful, in places quite spectacular. I like many of the buildings, both old and modern; parts of some towns and cities are as pleasant as you’d find anywhere. The arts scene is excellent, if one has the money. I can enjoy it; I get paid from time to time to go and enjoy it. The majority of people don’t and can’t.

BRETT: What are don’t and can’t?

JOSH: Why is it necessary to spell everything out in Ladybird book reading scheme fashion for you, Brett? It’s okay, you don’t have to answer. The majority of people don’t get paid to enjoy the arts, therefore the majority of people can’t go out and enjoy it…them.

MELANIE: That’s absurd to claim that; museums and art galleries are free, libraries are free.

BRITNEY: They’re not free; that’s the sort of con trick trap people like you fall into. You don’t pay money to go in; that doesn’t mean they're free.

BRETT: Of course it does; if you don’t pay, it’s free.

BRITNEY: Where does the money to build these places, to run them, to pay for the staff, the upkeep, the paintings, the exhibits…where doe the money come from, Brett?

BRETT: The government; that’s the function, well, one of them, of a good government. You give people certain things free.

BRITNEY: With what? With what money? The taxpayers’ money, that’s what, Brett; your tax, Melanie’s tax, everyone’s tax. There is nothing in any country that you get free…well, a couple of the oil states in the Middle East might be exceptions to the rule. You cannot get anything ‘free’. The money comes from somewhere, and that somewhere is the taxpayer’s pay cheque, pocket, wallet, whatever you want to call it. Ninety percent of what people earn in this country goes back to the government in one way or another. So give over about how you get things free. You don’t get anything free.

JOSH: How much is it to go to the theatre in London, Melanie? You think the ordinary people can afford thirty plus pounds once a week?

MITCH: Thirty pounds isn’t much; I couldn’t do anything with that. I pay thirty pounds for a couple of drinks in the club; you go with a couple of your pals, order a steak sandwich, I prefer mine done rare, but that’s a personal choice, of course, we’re free to do that, so far, I think, and it will set you back twenty pounds per person…you get a …um, well, not every afternoon…you know…um…that’s what some people do….the folk with…money… yes, let’s get back…Melanie?

MELANIE: How many people want to go to the theatre? It’s just a minority. We go twice a week, but we love the theatre. The average person doesn’t. They prefer to spend the evening in some grubby pub…in a bar with their mates etc.

BRITNEY: Oh, how snobbish we are, Melanie. The ‘average person’…so Melanie isn’t average, is she? Of course not, you live in Chelsea; your husband’s the main partner with some huge legal practice who work for, among others, large international corporations, correct? I don’t think he works for five pounds fifty per hour; oh, poor working class Melanie, how it must be torture for you, to put up with such a nice house, the weekend country cottage in Essex, and au pair cooked dinner, and the theatre etc.

BRETT: That’s hitting below the belt.

BRITNEY: She’s not wearing a belt. She’s wearing a dress, you idiot.

BRETT: I didn’t mean literally, you cretin.

BRITNEY: I’m a rich cretin, but you’re an impoverished hack idiot with a newspaper few bother to buy.

BRETT: Cheap capitalist, neo conservative, totalitarian quagmire of nonsensical balderdash.

BRITNEY: Congratulations on your speech.

MITCH: Gentlemen, gentlemen; time please, I mean, please control your tempers; we’re on air, as you know.

BRITNEY: I’m not a gentleman, Mitch. I’m a woman.

MITCH: You’re right, Britney, I forgot. I mean I forgot to include you in the address, I should have said…maybe something else, I can’t think what at the moment.

JOSH: Mitch, how about zipping it?

MITCH: Excellent choice of words there, Josh. Thank you.

JOSH: Well, Melanie, is it a tough life you have in Chelsea?

MELANIE: You keep out of my family. Anyway, I need an au pair because I’m working and my husband’s working too.

JOSH: That makes you unusual in this country, Melanie; husband and wife working. It might catch on, once the ignorant hoi polloi realise two incomes are better than one. That’s a thought; I might write an article about two people working in the same household; I’m sure the editor would put it in. We could call it ‘the Melanie Effect’. You’d go down in history as the first woman who thought of getting a husband and wife working.

MEKANIE: Oh, piss off, you jerk.

MITCH: Melanie, get down, down, Melanie. You’re beginning to get angry. I think, Josh, a little less poison might be a good thing… I must remind you we’re on air.

BRITNEY: It’s the hypocrisy of you lot that I hate. You go on and on about people with money, how unfair society is, hoe there should be a redistribution of wealth…on that point, I’d agree with you one hundred percent…but you have plenty of money yourself, to do what you want. One of your colleagues, well, at least one, I’m mentioning no names for reasons of libel, harp on about social inequality, but owns a bloody manor in Italy. I have no objection to that per se, but don’t go on about how wrong it is for other people to have the same as you.

BRETT: I bet you own a property in Europe, somewhere.

BRITNEY: I don’t own a property in Europe, Brett. I own four in Europe, plus three or four others in other parts of the world, Asia, Argentina etc.

MELANIE: You’re fortunate to be able to afford the air fares to go to these places, aren’t you?

BRITNEY: I don’t pay for the air fare. I own my own business jet, sweetheart. I don’t queue up business class at Heathrow.

JOSH: The product of total capitalism; poor girl makes it big time.

MITCH: When the shows over, Britney, maybe we could get together; I’d be interested in renting a place for the summer holidays…

BRITNEY: You could have my second place in Monaco; it’s two thousand pounds a week. It pays for the petrol for the Rolls Royce.

BRETT: I thought you had a Mercedes; that’s what I read up about you before the programme.

BRITNEY: The Mercedes is in this country, silly boy. The Rolls is for Europe.

MITCH: I’ll…think about it…later on…I’ll think about it…Britney…I’ll ask the wife…two thousand pounds…um…you know…

MELANIE: That’s sheer greed, owning so many places. I’d make it illegal for people to have a second home…I mean a third home; a second home is okay.

JOSH: Why’s that, Melanie? Oh, because you and your husband have a place out in the country, is it

MITCH: I’d be interested in that, it’s less than two thousand, is it? I’m thinking along the lines of three hundred or so…? Is there any chance of that? We’ll talk later, okay?

BRITNEY: Oh, so Melanie owns another property.

MELANIE: It’s my husband’s place. It was a wedding present….he got it from his father and mother.

BRETT: That’s reasonable enough. I have a small place in west Hampshire, nothing much, but a roof and four walls, you know.

JOSH: That’s unusual, Brett; a house with a roof and four walls. What gave you that spam of thinking, to buy something like that?

MELANIE: Just ignore him, Brett. He’s so insufferable. You can’t take anything he says for the truth.

JOSH: I think you can’t take everything that Britney here tells you, either.

MITCH: What do you mean?

BRITNEY: I don’t own all those places. I have a second home in this country, and a share of a farmhouse in France. I don’t have time to flit back and forth to so many places; I use a business jet though, but I split the cost with whoever goes with me.

BRETT: That’s still a lot of money.

BRITNEY: You’d be surprised; if you’ve got a group of ten, and most business jets these days can carry ten, and the plane and crew don’t have to hang around overnight, it’s not that much on top of first class air travel, and of course, very convenient.

MELANIE: That’s right; we’ve used a business jet before…just a couple of times, my husband thought…it would be…a good experience…for the children…

JOSH: I’m sure he did, Melanie.

MITCH: We have a small plane; use the local airstrip. It has one propeller, nothing fancy; the plane I mean, not the airstrip. Cessna, I think it is. That’s the plane, not the airstrip.

BRITNEY: It might surprise both Brett and Melanie that I am opposed to people being allowed to have multiple homes. I think if one is fortunate to have two, fair enough. The second home business in this country is confined most of the time to rural areas where a, people don’t want to live, because of the distance and lack of amenities, and b, the lack of employment. I know it’s not a fashionable argument, but I think that, by and large, people who have weekend/holiday places in the country are doing the local economy a favour; I don’t think we are a drain on local resources, far from it. I think we put a lot in. What I dislike with a passion are these big properties – I’m talking about ten bedroom places – being owned by rich foreigners. They are not used for months on end, and to me, this is immoral when so many young people can’t get on the property ladder. The big foreign owned places ought to be bought back, and converted into apartments for young people with a very young family. This would release thousand of new places just around London, and hundreds of thousands of new places over the country.

BRETT: I’m surprised you think like that, Britney. I’m impressed. I thought you were –

BRITNEY: I know what you thought; and I’m not. In case you don’t know, I come from a very ordinary background, no public school, unlike both you and Melanie. I didn’t go to a big university, unlike you two.

MELANIE: My school was a very small public school; no one’s ever heard of it.

JOSH: That doesn't surprise me, if you’re typical of the rabble it lets out. .

MITCH: Josh, be careful; these public school girls are very sensitive, especially when they come from some unknown place, like Melanie…here…oh, sorry, Melanie…

BRITNEY: Where did you go, Brett?

BRETT: It wasn’t a proper public school; it was fee paying but it was quite a cheap place. Most of the parents weren’t rich; doctors, dentists, lawyers, bank managers etc, nothing that important. And I wasn’t there for the whole of my education anyway, just eight years. My parents made me go; I hated the place, full of pseudo-intellectual types, dreaming of changing the world, writing poetry, wanting to become journa…um, er, you know the sort of place.

MELANIE: I know what you mean, Brett. It hard for people of our background to…it’s hard to…it’s not our choice, is it?

BRETT: No, of course not. It was the same with university. I accepted London because it was near my parents’ house, and they were the first to make me an offer; I couldn’t have turned it down, in case no one else gave me anything.

JOSH: How about you, Melanie?

MELANIE: The same as Brett. I had no choice in the matter. My parents told me they would not give me any pocket money if I refused to go, and twenty five years ago, no one turned down a hundred pounds a week, I can tell you.

MITCH: A hundred pounds a week? That’s pretty good for a student, that’s quite n amount, that is, isn’t it, wow,.

BRITNEY: Yes, Melanie, it must have seemed a tough time for you.

BRETT: It wasn’t a holiday, I can tell you.

MELANIE: I think it was a hundred pounds a term…I’m not sure now.

JOSH: I went to Portsmouth. I had a grant of one hundred and twenty pounds. That had to last me the whole term, pay for digs, books, etc.

MITCH: Entertainment too.

JOSH: You must be joking. No one there had money for entertainment. There was none, for everyone I knew; the only time that one might call it entertainment was in the evening at the weekend; a pub crawl, one round each. We didn’t have the money.

MELANIE: I know; London was expensive. A bottle of champagne would cost you ten pounds, something like that; money didn’t …go…but not…every day…I mean…

BRITNEY: Tough time, Melanie.

BRETT: It was a tough time, Britney. You seem to think that all we do is party through the term.

MELANIE: We had to do a lot of reading; there were examinations, too.

BRETT: That’s right. There was a lot of reading to get through.

JOSH: That’s unusual; we had to do the same, too. I didn’t know other universities had the same things to do, reading books etc. I wonder if your place had a big building called a library; lots of books. We did, and we had to use it, too. How funny.

MITCH: We did the same in Edinburgh, too. There was a lot of reading, oh, yes, a lot of reading, and lectures to go to.

BRITNEY: Oh, my goodness, you have to do reading at university in Scotland too? I thought it was such an English thing.

JOSH: Me, too. One learns something new all the time.

BRETT: Are you both trying to be funny?

MELANIE: That’s all you know what to do, Josh…sneer at other people.

JOSH: You’re right, Melanie. Come on, I write serious journalism, or make accurate assessments of things, or appear on various programmes because people at least respect my opinion. I have no problem with people disagreeing with me, but at least reason and argue with some sort of cogent thought.

MITCH: Excellent comment there from Josh. How would you argue against that, Melanie?

MELANIE: It’s hard to argue with this sort of person. There’s a complete refusal to listen to and accept another person’s opinion.

BRITNEY: Young Melanie, it appears that you don’t listen to what people are talking about. The problem with you is that you confuse listening with accepting. You seem to think that if someone listens to you, they agree with you, and nothing could be further from the truth in many cases, including you.

BRETT: I don’t think it’s the done thing to call her ‘Young Melanie’; she is after all, a guest on this programme.

MELANIE: Yes, I agree.

BRITNEY: Right, I accept that. I withdraw the comment, or rather, the appellation.

JOSH: Beau geste, Chèrie.

MITCH: I beg your pardon?

BRITNEY: Il m’a dit que j’ai fait un beau geste, ces’t tout.

MITCH: Ah ha, that’s what I thought. Yes, nothing like a little French to whet the appetite…an aperitif…it is French, is it, or Spanish? I get the two confused a bit. Oh, yes, I like that, shows class and education, and when you have the two, you get a fine product, rather like me…um, well…let’s move on…shall we? Or maybe I should use…wait for it…shall oui? You get it? W, E…we, O, U, I…we, I mean ‘yes’ in French. Good eh? Ha, ha, that’s Borders humour for you. That’ll have the good folk up there laughing away, oh aye.

BRETT: But not here.

MELANIE: No, I don’t think so, Mitch.

JOSH: I think it’s quite amusing.

MITCH: Thank you, Josh.

BRETT: He would think it amusing; it’s infantile enough.

BRITNEY: You would know about that.

BRETT: Ha, ha, Britney; funny woman, ha, ha.

BRITNEY: Bang, bang again, Brett.

MELANIE: Oh, give over, Britney.

MITCH: Right, ladies and gentlemen, I think we must get back to the topic of the talk, the discussion this afternoon; European Unity. How does it affect you, if I might put it in that way, how does the whole concept, the very essence, the being, if I can use that word in this particular context, how has it affected you, both in person, and in your profession. Josh, you’re keen on European integration, let’s begin with you.

JOSH: I’m not keen on it.

MITCH: Right. Um, let’s begin with…you anyway. It doesn’t make much difference who we begin with.

JOSH: There is no such thing as European integration, and there won’t be in the future, the foreseeable future. I think any integration in the long term will come through the barrel of a gun.
BRITNEY: I would agree with that.

BRETT: You agree with Josh on most things; you don’t think for yourself. You’re both pessimists who look at the negative aspect of the situation here. European integration is one way forward for the socialist revolution that is coming, make no mistake. Think of the Labour laws; they would benefit the workers by having a continental equality of pay and conditions; that must be a good thing. Imagine the consequences of workers everywhere being treated the same.

MELANIE: That’s a good point, Brett. One result would be that workers wouldn’t be forced to move from their home county in search of better paid work. They can remain there, with their families, and contribute to the growth of their backward… their emerging economy.

JOSH: I like your use of the word ‘backward’, Melanie.

MELANIE: I…meant…the…workers could go back home, go back home. They could help their economy by going back home, that’s what I was trying to get across, the point I was making, go back home.

MITCH: They could go back home; that would be nice for them I love going back home. Most of the people I meet here in London are always suggesting I go back home; they know I like going back home.

BRITNEY: Good for them, Mitch, and good for you.

MITCH: Oh, thank you.

BRETT: A well paid workforce and that is their right, make no mistake, emphasis on well paid, a well paid workforce is a major benefit to the economy of any country. You pay a worker a fair wage, with good conditions of work, good benefits, and the economy will grow.

MELANIE: That’s what I was thinking, too; ‘Workers of the world unite’ etc.

JOSH: What’s the etcetera bit, Melanie?

MELANIE: Um…I…can’t…think of it at the moment. It’ll come back.

MITCH: It’ll come back home, like the workers, Melanie.

BRITNEY: Mitch, keep your day job. Brett, thank you for reminding me about my workers; I had forgotten.

BRETT: Forgotten what?

BRITNEY: To pay them; it must be three months now. I hope they’re okay. I’d hate to think of any of them suffering because of me.

MELANIE: Are you serious? You haven’t paid them for three months? That’s a disgrace and I think it’s against the law, too.

JOSH: You are thick, aren’t you, Melanie. Don’t you recognise the tone of voice?

MELANIE: You’re joking? This is supposed to be a serious programme; how can you make flippant remarks like that? Of course I think you’re serious. One doesn’t joke on a programme like this. There are people listening who might take us for idiots otherwise.

BRITNEY: Bang, bang.

MITCH: Bang, bang. That reminds me of the Crazy Frog on Youtube. Bang, bang, dinga dang, bang…what’s going on? It’s wonderful; my young son showed it…to…me…

BRITNEY: You did mention that you are a Member of Parliament, Mitch.

BRETT: Yes he is, with a reputation for hard work.

MITCH: I am, Britney, I am.

BRITNEY: The British Parliament?

MELANIE: No, the Toy Town one.
JOSH: That’s what I was thinking.

MITCH: I like you Josh; you should come and live up in the Borders. They’d love your sense of humour. Britney, take the argument with Brett up a notch.

BRITNEY: That’s not a problem.

BRETT: What do you mean by that?

BRITNEY: I mean it’s not a problem.

MELANIE: Why?

JOSH: Why what?

MITCH: Why?

BRITNEY: Why is it not a problem? Because it’s not, that’s why.

BRETT: Right, I think I’m with you.

MELANIE: There’s no need to be rude, Britney. Brett was just asking a question.

JOSH: Brett, good boy to ask a question.

MITCH: My point, too. That’s why we’re here.

BRITNEY: Brett mentioned, with mock socialist enthusiasm, that –

BRETT: I didn’t mock anyone or anything.

BRITNEY: I didn’t suggest you did; try opening your ears once in a while.

MELANIE: That’s it, Britney; make it personal again.

BRITNEY: If you insist, Melanie; I think you, Melanie, are ill informed, unaware of the real world out of the environs of Chelsea, Essex, and a London taxi, and have little talent apart from making a fool of yourself with your pseudo intellectual, mock left wing whine that grates on and on. Your major contribution to society and world culture is having just two children, thereby limiting the damage on the future of man. That is personal enough for you?

JOSH: Britney, I like it.

MITCH: Me too…no, not me too.

BRITNEY: Right, Brett mentioned the workforce being
well paid, well taken care of etc. I agree with you, Brett.

BRETT: You do? Why?

BRITNEY: Think about it, Brett. Where do you find that situation; in what countries?

MELANIE: There are many examples I can think of.

JOSH: Good, but your name’s not Brett, so shut up.

BRETT: Well, there’s…Japan, I think,

MITCH: You think, Brett.

BRITNEY: Go on. Japan…

BRETT: How about Switzerland, would that count?

MELANIE: I think so; it’s quite a good economy, I think.

JOSH: I think we might include the Swiss; they’re among the richer ones on the planet.

MITCH: Excellent, Josh.

BRETT: There’s France, um…

BRITNEY: Just try most of Western Europe. Now you tell me what they have in common.

MELANIE: They’re all in Western Europe.

JOSH: Good point, Melanie. Keep them coming.

BRETT: They pay well; they are well taken care of etc.

MELANIE: That’s true in one way.

BRITNEY: You said that, Brett, a couple of minutes ago.

BRETT: They’re quite rich countries, too.

JOSH: We got that, too.

MITCH: We did, Brett, we got it.

BRITNEY: What type of economy do these countries operate in, Brett? What are they rich? Why are they not like most of the rest of the world, why?

BRETT: They have good working conditions, they earn good money.

MELANIE: Not everyone, Brett. There are low paid workers in this country.

JOSH: There, you’re right, Melanie, but in comparison with much of the world, workers here are quite comfortable. I’m not arguing that it’s perfect, far from it. But if one compares the situation in much of the southern hemisphere, there’s no doubt we are better off here.

MITCH: I think Scotland is better off than England, that’s what I think.

BRITNEY: The point I’m trying to make Brett, is that the countries with decent working conditions, salaries, benefits etc, etc, are the countries that have a free open economy, not the type of government controlled nonsense that you spout; your thinking doesn’t work in practice.

BRETT: Of course it will, if it has the chance; you need time.

MELANIE: I think Brett has a point about the time.

JOSH: You’re talking rubbish Brett, and I think deep down you and your ilk know it. If your socialist hogwash works, why is it that, a, the rich countries in the world follow the capitalist way of operating, and b, the countries that used to follow your way of thinking are changing, getting away from government control, and moving to a free market economy?

MITCH: Brett, Melanie, care to challenge?

MELANIE:: I think time is important here, the time frame, trying to rush things through without enough time, we run out of time, yes, time is important, but that’s just my opinion, of course, but we must think about a suitable time.

BRETT: I think I know what Melanie’s getting at here. We must get away from the concept of seeing things through capitalist binoculars; there are many places in the world where capitalism has refused to grow, is rejected by the people as being unworkable, untenable, unapproachable, unreachable etc, and to equate this with failure is absurd, and any reasonable person knows it.

BRITNEY: What countries have refused to let capitalism ‘grow’, as you put it?

BRETT: I can’t think of an example right now, but there must be some, there are some, somewhere, I’m sure of it.

MELANIE: There are bound to be some, somewhere, I think.

JOSH: Parrot.

MITCH: I beg your pardon…oh, parrot? I thought you said something else.

BRITNEY: You have lost the argument, Brett and Melanie, and you know it. You come here ill prepared, and without facts to back up your case, such as it is, if you can call it that. Whether you and the rest of the people you hang out with, like it or not, the reality is that your philosophy is a failure, and countries that have tried it in the past are regretting it, and moving away to the free market economy. You have to look at the countries which are successful in business, where people have good standard of living, health care, the infrastructure works, where the workforce is well treated, get a decent wage for their labour. Look around to see the answer, Brett.

BRETT: There are places in this country with poor infrastructure, poor health care etc.

MELANIE: Brett’s right. Some of the hospitals are in a terrible condition. There are huge waiting lists to see a specialist. Then, after you’ve seen one, you might have to wait a few months before you get the operation or treatment; then there are the differences in treatment and funding between the different countries; in one place you pay for medicine, in another, you get it free. The whole thing that is the NHS is a mess, but on the whole, it performs well for most people…in theory…in general…I think…that’s the case…

BRITNEY: I think, Melanie my dear, you’re contradicting yourself. If there are waiting lists and it takes months for treatment, it can’t be working that well, can it?

MELANIE: It works okay, some of the time.

BRETT: I think what Melanie is trying to make is that the NHS, whilst wonderful,
needs some improvement, a little oil and lubrication here and there.

BRITNEY: Like your brain.

BRETT: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

BRITNEY: Nothing.

JOSH: Brett and Melanie, I think in some ways you’re both correct; there are places here with inadequate infrastructure, poor health care etc. I agree one hundred percent with both of you this time, but we are looking at the broad picture, not at what are, in all fairness, exceptions to the rule. The fact is, the reality is, that is we look at the situation in general, people are far better off in this country than they are in most of the rest of the world, and compared to some places, we’re better by a huge way. I’m not arguing that it’s right; like you two, I think everyone should get a decent life here, here being the world, but the reality is that, for one reason or another, it’s not an equal place.

MITCH: You’re right there, Josh. I know this from experience. I had loads of money compared to the riff-raff from the…not that much money, there were some rich working…with money…right, Britney, your turn. The NHS I think we were talking about, is that right?

BRITNEY: The way forward in health care provision in this country is to follow places like Singapore, where you take out, at your expense, medical insurance. You get ill, you get a doctor, a hospital bed pronto. None of the nonsense most people get in this country, where there’s no doctor, i.e. a GP, at the weekend, and you can wait for months on end to se a specialist. That’s the reality.

BRETT: Come on, Britney. How many people in this country can afford insurance? Most ordinary working people struggle just to pay the bills. The greedy utility companies make millions in profit, but increase the cost of the product to the consumer. It’s disgusting, outrageous and downright immoral, that’s what I and millions in this country think. People can buy insurance? What a joke. How many people do you know can buy insurance?
Audience cheer.

JOSH: Everyone; car, house, personal effects insurance; the list goes on.

BRETT: You know what I mean. How many people can afford medical insurance?

JOSH: Two points; one, I do, but most people don’t. That’s the response to your first comment. The problem with people like you, the left wing bunch, is that you assume everyone thinks along the same lines as you, whereas few do, in reality. Point two: Many people can afford medical insurance; it’s just that they have other priorities, like going to the pub every night, buying booze in the supermarket, smoking etc. How many people have a car that they don’t really need, that they could manage without? There must be hundreds of thousands of people who could do with out their own transport. If you live in London, a car is a handicap rather than a benefit. If you live in a small town, you can either walk or take the bus. There is an alternative. Point number three, with utility companies, Brett, you get me, and I expect you get Britney too; I…we…support you one hundred percent.

BRETT: You support me?

JOSH: On this point, yes, very much.

BRITNEY: He said it; one hundred percent.

BRETT: Oh.

MELANIE: But have you any idea of the cost of medical insurance? I’m sure the average person would find it expensive. How much is it for an operation? The point to note here is that we are, through insurance…medical insurance, putting money back to those who least need it i.e. big business. It’s the duty of government to take care of the people.

MITCH: Good point there, Melanie. It is the duty of government, of which I’m a proud member, to care of the people. That’s why I went into politics.

JOSH: You get good money too, Mitch.

MITCH: Yes, of course, we get…it’s okay, the money…we get by…plus the income from the farm, of course…that’s not much…

BRITNEY: The expense account, first class train etc.

MITCH: I need the money to go back at the weekend to see my family…I mean, to see the constituency, that sort of thing…the first class on the train…the train becomes an office for a few hours…we MPs have work to do, not like the rest of the people…we need peace and quiet, not have drunken yobs everywhere, and the conductor disturbing us every other stop with ‘tickets, please’, no elbow room; it’s okay for ordinary people, but we’re not ordinary, we’re not…we’re…we’re working on the train, that’s it. Anyway, let’s get back to the point.

BRITNEY: I think that is the point, Mitch. Bang, bang.

BRETT: Mitch has got a point there; many MPs work very hard, you know.

MELANIE: I know that because we have a few of them around for dinner. There’s a lot of work that the public don’t see. They get through a huge amount of work.

JOSH: They get through a huge amount of taxpayers’ money too.

MITCH: Careful, Josh, you’re on dangerous ground there; it’s difficult to prove we’ve cheated any…we’ve done anything wrong. I mean, we haven’t, but people think we do, you know what I mean?

BRITNEY: We know what you mean, Mitch, we know.

BRETT: I think most MPs do a rather good job; I’m thinking of running in the next election.

MELANIE: That’s wonderful, Brett. I’ll be your campaign manager. I’d love to do that.

JOSH: I’d love to emigrate.

MITCH: Why’s that, Josh? I thought you were happy here.

BRITNEY: He’s joking, Mitch.

MITCH: I knew it; oh, I can tell when Josh is joking.

BRETT: Mummy and…my mother and father think it would be a good career move, get settled down, make some real money…make real money working to help other people, of course; I think I’d do a good job. I have made a few overtures, and the general consensus is that I go for a trial run in a safe seat, ah, safe for the Tories, that is, to get experience, then try in one of the Labour strongholds in the northeast or Glasgow or somewhere up in the north.

MELANIE: Excellent. Good thinking, Brett.

JOSH: You have a connection with the constituency you hope to represent? I
thought you’d spent your like here in the south.

BRETT: That’s got nothing to do with it. It’s the work you do as an MP that counts. The fact that I have nothing in common with…anything…the common thread is our political philosophy. That’s what constituents want to hear.

MITCH: You’re right, Brett.

BRITNEY: You tell me, Brett, how can a public schoolboy with a History degree from a prestigious university, who’s background is in journalism, who hasn’t spent any time up in the north of England or Scotland or anywhere out of the south here, how –

BRETT: I went to Yorkshire once with the university hockey team; and I spent a weekend in Newcastle with some ex course mates. I know quite a bit about life up there.

MELANIE: You tell them, Brett.

BRITNEY: How can you represent people with whom you have little or nothing in common, whose way of life you know nothing about, and whose experience of work is hanging round bars picking up bits of information for the rags you write for, how can you in all honesty and seriousness tell people you can represent them? You sound worse than pitiful; you’re a money grabbing, fame seeking, immoral piece of –

JOSH: Britney, cool down. He might be all of those things, but he’s young –

BRETT: I’m forty.

JOSH: He’s young in terms of maturity, and he’s naïve.

MITCH: Good point there, Josh, but I think he’s the right kind of man for an MP.

MELANIE: There, hear that, Brett. Mitch thinks you’d be a good MP.

BRITNEY: Yes, well, that tells you everything. I think the law should be changed. To be an MP, you should be a resident in the community for at least three years prior to being put forward as a candidate. I would give preference to someone born and bred in that area. There are far too many constituencies in this country whose parliamentary representative has no real connection with, or deep knowledge of the area they represent, and that is wrong.

BRETT: Mitch comes from the Borders.

MELANIE: Mitch comes from the Borders, that’s true.

JOSH: Mitch comes from the Borders. You sound like bloody parrots, you two.

MITCH: I come from the Borders.

BRITNEY: I know that, Mitch, and that is your strong point; that, I think is right. You come from a family with a strong local connection. That is why you get elected by a large majority; because people know you, and they know that you know them and their way of life, their problems etc. That’s why you’re popular, even if you’re incomp…incomplete in some ways…your hair, for example…you’re a good MP, Mitch.

JOSH: A pity you’re such a…a nice man, Mitch.

BRETT: Bloody creep.

MELANIE: Who, Mitch?

BRETT: No, Jackass Josh here. Behind Mitch’s back, he sneers, but up front, it’s ‘oh, you’re a good MP, Mitch’.

JOSH: I like Mitch.

MITCH: I like Josh…in the old fashioned sense of the word, I mean. You have to take care with your choice of expression these days, might have a different meaning, you know what I mean.

BRITNEY: I do, Mitch. Josh likes you as a person, make no mistake. It’s the politics that he can’t take.

BRETT: How come you know so much about what Josh is thinking?

MELANIE: I noticed that, too. How can you know?

JOSH: We’re similar in opinion on many things, we see each other quite often, and we’ve known each other for, what is it, twenty years, give or take one or two.

BRITNEY: That’s right; I am happy with my professional relationship with Joss, who always presents a balanced opinion based on solid facts rather than the nonsense that you two come out with. In business, transparency is paramount…you know those words, Melanie?

MELANIE: Belt up, Britney.

BRITNEY: Oh, good, well done, and when a business is open and honest to the press, the benefit accruing is worth it. I hide nothing from any journalist, nor from any government. It doesn’t pay to be too clever and reticent.

MELANIE: Ha, ha, Britney. You are so amusing. You use that to show off your wealth.

BRITNEY: I don’t need to show of my wealth, Melanie. It’s there for the whole world to see. Even someone as limited in experience and intelligence as you appear to be cannot fail to have noticed my supermarket chain; they’re part of the High Street now.

MELANIE: Please don’t be so bloody rude to me; of course I know your wretched supermarket empire. I go shopping in one of them every Thursday after work…every month after work…when I can’t get to another supermarket.

JOSH: Bang, bang, Melanie.

BRETT: Give over with the bloody bang, bang all the time, Josh, and you too, Britney. It’s getting on our nerves; you do it just to irritate, a silly immature retort, how unbecoming of two intelligent people…quite intelligent people.

BRITNEY: Bang, bang again, Brett.

BRETT: Mitch, can’t you get these two to shut up and stop making these noises; it’s wearing, it’s annoying.

MITCH: I think Brett has a point there, Josh and Britney; please try to confine your comments to the topic rather than try to score points off your opponents. That’s that; I though I sounded quite good there. Right, is there any other comment anyone would like to make on the topic, the theme, via furniture, of European unity?

BRITNEY: No, I have said all I want to, Mitch. I think the European furniture industry is in line for a boom, with many people exchanging their present furniture for something newer and lighter, the modern touch. If the boom materialises, Brett, you’ll be able to hear the bang, and another bang, won’t you?

BRETT: I won’t rise to the bait. In response to your question, Mitch, I think that whilst capitalist attitudes remain, the furniture industry will be a place of low paid toil whilst the captains of the industry will continue to rake in huge and obscene profits. The solution is for the consumer to boycott every single furniture maker in this country for a year. Then, we would see a fall in prices meaning that the ordinary working man or woman would be, for the first time, to buy nice furniture without burdening the family finances too much.

MELANIE: Hear, hear, Brett, well spoken. I agree one hundred percent; if people like Britney, wither huge wealth, were threatened with a consumer boycott, the prices of furniture would come crashing down by this time next week.

JOSH: There is one problem with your mini scenario, Brett and Melanie. Well, to be honest, there are a number of problems, but one is paramount.

MITCH: What’s that, Josh, can you elaborate, tell us and let the listeners know what’s going on?

JOSH: I am in the process of doing that, Mitch; your interruption came by and interrupted the flow of thought. May I carry on?

MITCH: Yes, of course, a thousand apologies. I didn’t mean to interrupt, that’s not my way of doing things, I can tell you, I just like to let the folk on the programme speak without fear or favour, etc, no, no, you carry on, Josh, please, you carry on, don’t let me get in the way with an interruption, no Josh, you carry on, please do, carry on from where you were before I began to talk. Carry on, Josh, carry on.

JOSH: Right, thank you Mitch. The main problem with the argument put forward the two genii opposite me, that’s Melanie and Brett, is that any boycott of a business results in one thing.

BRETT: The reduction of profits for the greedy owner that’s what.

BRITNEY: Grow up, you idiot. Let Josh finish. However, you have point, up to a point.

BRETT: I knew it; I had a point.

JOSH: The main problem of any boycott is that, because as Brett has said, in such clarity of inspiration, the business will lose money; the people the worst hit are, of course, the workforce. The result, in nine times out of ten, is mass redundancy. You know what redundancy means, Melanie?

MELANIE: No, Josh, just people as thick as you know the meaning. I’m not that much of an idiot.

JOSH: Not quite, okay. Therefore, when mass redundancy takes place, many people end up unemployed, and because of the specialised nature of the furniture making business, they, the workers, find it very hard to get alternative work. You can’t work in the furniture assembly business one week, and begin work in a steel mill the next.

BRITNEY: May I continue, Josh? Thank you; as Josh said, whilst the workers are skilled and good at what they do, it’s not an industry, like others too, where you can switch to another business and try to use those same skills. Therefore, if I were to close one of my factories, a couple of hundred people would be without work, and be unable to find alternative employment. Another factor to consider is that many furniture making enterprise are in locations where there is limited opportunity for other work. You don’t find a factory near a city centre, for example. They are often put up in rural areas where the land and rent are cheaper. Put the two together, location and labour ability to work in another business, then you have, with a boycott, a recipe for high unemployment and the social problems that come with it.

MITCH: An excellent…an excellent…an excellent, excellent…um, opinion, Britney.

BRITNEY: Thank you, Mitch, An excellent comment, too.

MITCH: That’s me, every time. Brett, you want to come back.

BRETT: Yes, the problem with this line of approach is to ignore, in usual capitalist greedy manner, the social responsibilities of the employer, in this case, the furniture making company that Britney, with total unashamed arrogance, boasts about, in complete disregard for human dignity and the suffering that people like her cause the working class, everywhere on this earth.

MELANIE: That’s right; it is the untamed exploitation of the working man and woman everywhere on this earth that is causing, and used to cause, and in the future will continue to cause, the problems that they come up against every day of the year, and that is, where does my next meal come from, where does the money come from to pay the bills, to educate the children, to buy groceries, to buy clothing etc. The innate greed, the avarice, the gluttony, the grabbing, the removing, the grasping, the theft etc by the business community, of which Britney is a leading member, is the reason for social inequality, mass unemployment, welfare problems, illegal wars and conflicts, air pollution, environmental destruction, global arming, the break-up of the family unit, drug abuse, poor transport and infrastructure, ill health, and many other things like that…those…these, etc, etc ,etc.

MITCH: Melanie, a woman of eloquence.

BRITNEY: Melanie, a woman of idiocy.

JOSH: Melanie, a woman who seems to be quoting the chapter titles from a book, without reading the chapter; ten out of ten for effort, Melanie, minus three for lack of intelligence.

BRETT: How dare you talk in that way to my colleague in the struggle for global peace and equality, a woman whose aim in life is the betterment of the poor, the oppressed etc, things you know nothing about. Josh, you are a most objectionable character; it’s no wonder it’s the right wing press will touch the filth you espouse in the name of serious objective journalism.

JOSH: I suppose the good bit of news in the tripe you blurt out is that the right wing press take my articles and publish them. At least I get them in the press, unlike you, where people read them, unlike you, who has readership of twenty thousand, and that’s on a good day..

BRETT: People read what I have written, my thoughts, opinions, exposés etc, not just in this country, but as far away from Britain as Togo in West Africa and Nepal, Bhutan and Mongolia in Asia. I don’t like it one little bit when dismissed as a nonentity of no value, worth or intellect by the big names in journalism like you.

BRITNEY: Bang, bang, bang, Brett. How do you know you’re dismissed as quote ‘a nonentity of no value, worth or intellect’, unquote, by quote ‘the big names in journalism, like you’ unquote, meaning Josh? Brett, Brett, Brett, I pity you.

MELANIE: Britney, you are a callous bitch, the most callous bitch I have ever met in my whole life here on this earth, anywhere, anytime.

BRITNEY: You are suggesting that you have had a life away from this earth, Melanie? You amaze me. Melanie Rug, The Guardian’s Mars Correspondent.

MELANIE: Yeah, funny Britney; you know what I mean. I know what Brett means. He didn’t mean that he’s worthless; he’s just giving an example of the way we left wing socialists are portrayed by the right wing thugs, like Josh here. Josh is not that big a name, either; there are people better known than he is, I know that.

MITCH: Um, who might that be, Melanie?

MELANIE: I’ll think about it. I’m thinking now.

BRITNEY: What a pity to exert yourself, Melanie.

BRETT: Melanie has a fundamental right, as laid down in the Bill of Rights in the United Nations Charter on Human Rights, to express her opinion in a free manner, without badgering from the likes of you two capitalist pigs, just so long as she doesn’t incite racial hatred, things like that.

MITCH: Brett, we don’t use terms like that in Parliament…or in rugby in the Borders, you hear? They might in Glasgow, I don’t know, I don’t go there. I’ll not tolerate it here.

BRETT: I apologise for the use of that epithet, but I don’t regret it, not one iota. Rugby, you mention rugby, Mitch; rugby is the preserve of the public school elite, a bastion of gender entrenchment, establishment toxicity, a distain for republicanism, uncompromising, extreme and bludgeoning nationalism and…um…alcohol abuse. We on the left wing of society encourage racial tolerance and awareness. We are not the racists that Josh and Britney are.

MITCH: That brings us to the end of today’s topic for discussion: ‘How much does modern furniture design contribute to a European identity?’ I would like to thank my guests this afternoon for coming, Britney Burke, company director, Josh Hoop, political fasci…journalist, Brett Newage, another journalist, and last but not least, Melanie Rug, a social commentator and human rights activist.

BRITNEY: It’s a pleasure.

BRETT: Thank you, Mitch.

MELANIE: Thank you.

JOSH: My pleasure.

MITCH: Please join me at the same time next week, 12 30 pm, Monday 20 January, for another exciting programme of in depth analysis of things political, moral issues, current affairs etc. I’ll be joined in the studio by another four distinguished guests: conductor, and the well known poet, with the mouth-watering, lip licking topic, excuse the puns, I love them; the topic ‘What are the effects of eating ice cream on the reading ability of eight to ten year old children?’ Please join me, Mitch Gunsmith, MP for somewhere north of the border, ‘you work it out’, that’s my motto. Until we meet again, I leave you with my favourite part of the show: my website BBC.co.uk/muttonmouthmitch, that’s one word, and on behalf of my producer, Iona Galloway, who is also my daughter in law, but no conflict of interest, I can assure you, having gone through a rigorous House of Commons Select Committee on Corruption, chaired by my cousin, thank you for listening and goodbye for now. On thirty eight to forty one FM, this is BBC Channel Ten. Bye for now.

Curtain, lights dim, music ‘Men of Harlech’.