Retirement

Richard Homer

© Richard Homer 2008

Cast of characters

Ron retiring general assistant, thick as two short planks, unaware of it

June 40-50, secretary, efficient

Pam 30-40, junior secretary, efficient

May 20-25, clerk, bouncy, young in outlook

Mr Smith 25-30, junior manager, earnest

Mrs Brown 40-45, senior manager, mature

Mr Way 50-55, chief manager, jolly good chap

Mrs Crum 55-59, Ron’s wife, primary school teacher

The play takes place in the present, in a business office, and in Ron’s house.
There are two acts, two scenes each.

Music

Act 1 scene I
begin: end: harp
Act 1 scene 2
begin: Chirpy, chirpy, cheep, cheep end: My Way
Act 2 scene 1
begin: Shirley Bassey end: From a distance/Julie Gold/Nanci Griffith
Act 2 scene 2
begin: Swedish dance or harp, and harp when Ron comes back end: Chant d’automne

Act 1 scene 1

At rise; in the office, quite spacious, three desks/chairs/ office equipment, cabinets, files, paper, computers, kettle, mugs, rear door for exit and enter. Pam is working, typing, Ron enter.

RON: Ah, good morning, everyone, how is everyone on this fine July morning? Oh, only pretty Pamela here. How are you, my dear?

PAM: Good morning, Ron. Yes, I’m the first one in, for a change. How are you today?

RON: Not too bad, feeling good this morning, yes, I feel good this morning. Oh, I am in a fine and jolly mood this beautiful morning, oh, yes, I am, that I am.

PAM: Why’s that? You’re not like this most Monday mornings. You’re the most miserable person imaginable.

RON: You mean you’ve forgotten?

PAM: What are you going on about?

RON: Oh, pretty Pamela! You got a brain like an empty paper bag.

PAM: Thank you, Ron, you’re always so charming.

RON: Yeah, I think so. You got to be nice to the women; that’s what I think.

PAM: A pity you don’t put that into practice.

RON: Oh, I do, Pamela, that I do. Oh, look at my pretty little plants! I give them tender loving care. That’s why they grow.

PAM: They’re cacti, Ron. They’d grow anyway. They grow in the desert; they don’t need an idio …anyone to look after them.

RON: Rubbish! You don’t know what you’re talking about. Look at them! They’re beautiful. Anyway, Pamela, expert on plant life, why am I so happy this beautiful morning? Why?

PAM: I don’t know what you’re going on about. What?

RON: It’s my last week here, the last working week of my life!

PAM: Oh, yes, of course, how could I forget? You must be looking forward to retiring. You sound like it.

RON: Ah, that is the understatement of the year, my dear pretty Pamela, oh yes, I am looking forward to my retirement, only a few more days after this, four to be exact. I can’t wait. Gardening in the summer, mowing the lawn, relaxing in the warm summer evening air, watching the cricket on the box, or going down to the village green, then football in the winter, down to watch City in the afternoon, in the pub with my mates, ah, yes, looking forward to it, that’s for sure. No more Sunday afternoon and Monday morning blues. Yes, can’t be soon enough.

PAM: Yes, that’s true.

RON: What was that?

PAM: I just said it won’t be soon enough; for you, of course.

RON: True, Pamela, very true. I can’t wait, oh, no.

Smith enters

RON: Oh good morning, Mr Smith.

PAM: Good morning, Mr Smith.

SMITH: Good morning, Pam, good morning, Ronald. How are you today?

PAM: Fine, thank you.

RON: Me, too. We were just talking about my retirement.

PAM: You were.

SMITH: Oh, what’s going on, er, you’re retiring, Ron? When’s that? I didn’t know that? When is that? Nobody told me, I had no idea.

RON: Oh, Mr Smith, you must know. I’m retiring at the end of this week. You didn’t know that? I thought everyone knew. Old Ron’s last week with the company.

SMITH: Oh, yes, of course. It slipped my mind; oh, you’ll be bored stiff within a couple of months, I can tell you.

RON: You’re joking, you must know I’m retiring, I thought everyone knew that.

PAM: I think Mr Smith’s just joking, Ron. He knows full well you’re off at the end of the week. None of us can forget it; you keep on about it all the time.

RON: Of course I know he’s joking. You think I’m daft or something. I can tell when Mr Smith is having me on.

SMITH: It seems like it, too.

PAM: Mr Smith, tell Ron about the party.

SMITH: Oh, yes, there’s a party for you, isn’t there? Friday, isn’t it? We’re going to one of the local restaurants, Indian place; the name slips my mind…The Taj or something like that. Pam, do you know the name?

PAM: Bombay House? Curry Centre? I forget.

SMITH: Yes, The Curry Centre, I think it is.

RON: What, we’re going to an Indian restaurant? The Taj, Bombay House, Curry Centre? Oh, my goodness, an Indian place. I dunno what to think. They give you rice to eat there. Oh, I dunno…I dunno about that…um, Mr Smith, er, I … need to talk to you, urgent. This oriental type of nosh, well, you know, it’s not …

SMITH: What’s the problem with that? You look terrible. Are you alright?

RON: Yeah, I’m okay, but the problem is I don’t eat curry. I can’t take it. I don’t eat this immigrant food. I keep to good British grub, I do. I don’t know what’s wrong with the local food. I don’t know why we’re forced to eat rice. It’s hot and makes my mouth burn, even when I drink lots of cold water. I think I’m allergy to the stuff, I’m sure of it. No, I can’t go there.

PAM: Goodness me, Ron. Who on earth is forcing you to eat anything?
If you don’t like ‘foreign’ food, don’t eat it. You’re a narrow- minded old man, you are.

RON: No I’m not. I just don’t like any foreign nosh, especially stuff that’s hot.

SMITH: You’re joking. My goodness, how much have we spent, Pam? The hire of a room cost about … I forget now.

RON: What are we going to do? This is my big farewell; it’s got to me right. I don’t want a curry lunch… Oh my goodness, how can you do this to me? It’s my retirement.

SMITH: Oh, in that case, we must get a change of venue. You’re making the arrangements, Pam? Oh, I have an idea; how about this? The rest of us go the restaurant, have a nice lunch there, and Ron keeps an eye on the office, and then after work, we can take him - that’s you, Ron - down the pub for an hour. The place round the corner have quite nice cheese and tomato rolls, not that fresh, it’s true, but it’s good old British grub, that might be okay with you. What do you think, Ron?

RON: It’s my retirement party. I thought there would be something other than a couple of sandwiches. I dunno what to think. I mean, it’s better than eating Indian and having that incense going up your nose, or whatever they use to flavour the place. Although the pub sounds quite a good plan, yeah, I like that. Yeah, if we go to the pub, I can invite my mates too, that would be brilliant, a nice singsong, they’re a good bunch of lads, we go to watch City together, or see the cricket in the summer, yeah, a finer crowd one could not wish to meet. I mean, a finer crowd one would like to meet, I think. Anyway they’re a -

PAM: Ron, I think bringing your mates along might not be a good thing; it is supposed to be an office farewell, not an excuse for a drunken riot.

RON: You watch it, Pamela; my mates are not the type to -

SMITH: Ron, relax a bit. You didn’t seem to realise that we were, how can I put it, stringing you along, -

PAM: You fell for it, Ron.

RON: Fell for what?

SMITH: Our little joke, Ron, that’s what. Tell him, Pam.

PAM: Ron, Mr Smith and I are having you on. Your dislike of curry is well known. We hear about it every week. We aren’t going to an Indian restaurant, don’t worry. We’re not going to the pub either; we’re going to have a little office party here, a buffet. We’ve arranged for a catering company to lay on something nice, chicken curry, rice, etc -

RON: No, not curry! I can’t eat the stuff, I told you.

SMITH: Ron, ease up a bit, don’t take things so serious. Pam’s joking. Sorry, it’s our warped sense of humour.

RON: Oh, you’re having me on; ha, ha, very funny, but I knew that, Mr Smith. Come on, you two. Oh, that’s okay. Yeah. I knew you were having me on all the time. That’s my style. What I do is to let people think I’m being taken in, but in reality, I know what’s going on, oh yes, Ron here knows what’s going on. You don’t get away with it. I knew it, I knew it from the moment you walked in and began to mention curry. Oh, yeah.

SMITH: Yes, Ron, I’m sure you knew. Right, I must be off, bye for now. There’s work to do

PAM: Catch you later, Mr Smith.

SMITH: Right you are, Pam, Ron.

Exit

RON: Yeah. He’s a really funny chap. Yeah, where were we?

PAM: I haven’t a clue. Oh, you were talking about immigrant food, or it was probably about football or cricket.

RON: Yeah, that’s right...I’m happy with them, happy to retire, that’s true.

PAM: Yes, that is very true. Roll on the cricket.

RON: What’s that? I don’t get you.

PAM: I said it’s true you will be happy with the football and cricket.

RON: Oh, that. Yep, can’t come fast enough, this Friday.

PAM: That’s true, too.

RON: What do you mean by that?

PAM: I said that it’s true that Friday can’t come quick enough. I love the weekends.

RON: Oh, yes. Life is going to be one big long weekend from now.

PAM: You wait; you’ll be bored stiff.

RON: No way. I keep myself busy, that’s the secret. Get out in the garden. Read the newspaper at my own pace,

PAM: That’ll take you all day then.

RON: Mind your manners, lady. I’m no slow coach, just take my time, analyse the important issues of the day.

PAM: Yes, the latest football transfer to Cambridge City, or who’s been knocked out of the South Cambridgeshire cricket Cup competition. How very interesting, I’m sure.

RON: Well, everyone has his or her interests. I have mine.

June enters

JUNE: Oh, good morning, how is everyone this morning?

PAM: Morning, June, how are things today? You keeping well?

JUNE: Yeah, I’m okay, but a bit behind time.

RON: June, this beautiful July morning, thou art radiant, my dear, a summer flower in the gentle breeze, just waiting to be plucked by the right man.

JUNE: Yes, thank you, Ron, hop it, good morning, people. I am rushing crazy this morning, no time for breakfast, overslept. Yes, Ron, I believe you. Would anyone like a coffee? Where’s my mug? Oh, who’s moved my cup from my desk?

RON: That’s me; I thought it was a bit untidy there, so put it with the rest. I like to keep things shipshape around here. That’s always the way I have done things, and will continue to my final day in this illustrious establishment, which just happens to be in four days, one afternoon, and half of a morning from now. Oh, yes, retirement, here I come.

JUNE: Yes, retirement, please come sooner, like lunchtime today. If I want you to move it, I’ll ask. I can’t stand people fussing with my things. When are you leaving? Friday, oh, Friday, roll on, baby. I’ll be glad when you’ve gone, at least one fusspot less.

RON: You don’t mean that, June? How can you talk to dear Ron like that, your companion for these past how many years?

JUNE: Get one thing straight, Mr Ronald Crum, you are not my companion. We work in the same place; unfortunately for me. You are my workmate, colleague, yes. Hurry up and go.

RON: What would you do without me? The office would stop if I weren’t here.

JUNE: Ron, don’t be stupid, or rather, try to be less stupid than normal in your last week, okay?

PAM: She doesn’t mean it, do you June?

RON: Of course she doesn’t, she loves me, don’t you, darling? Come on, how about a quick kiss?

JUNE: Oh, get away. I’ll report you to Mr Way: if you’re not careful, sexual harassment in the workplace, that’s what it is.

PAM: Come on, he’s only joking, aren’t you, Ron?

RON: Of course, you know me, Fun time Ron. Well, got to start on the rounds, see you girls later. Oh, where’s my sweetheart May this morning. Hope she’s wearing that skirt of hers, oh, shows her off to the maximum. I love it.

JUNE: It maybe your last few days, Ron, but I suggest you watch your mouth.

PAM: That’s enough, Ron, talk like that went out of the window years ago.

RON: Rubbish. It’s harmless chitchat, banter, nothing. You lot are too, you make me sick.
Exit

JUNE: What a creep. I can’t wait till he’s retired. He’s vulgar, isn’t he?

PAM: I agree, always trying to get near you to have a quick touch. Never mind, four more days, and then we will get peace and quiet.

JUNE: They’re not replacing him, are they?

PAM: Oh, goodness no, you must be joking. No, economy, and also he does so little; what does he do really? Messenger boy, make tea, read the paper, photocopy, and jumps up when the management come round, there’s not much for him to do, to be honest. Mr Way keeps him on, well, I think he feels a bit sorry for one of life’s losers, really. To tell you the truth, in spite of what I have said about Ron, there are times when I pity him.

PAM: I don’t. I feel sorry for his wife. You seldom hear about her. She’s a nice woman. I met her a couple of times. A woman deserves better than that creep.

JUNE: Yes, on balance, I agree. Come on then, let’s get some work done when he’s gone for a bit.
May enters

MAY: Hi, everyone.

PAM: Oh, hi there, May. What’s up? You sound gloomy, even on a Monday morning. It’s not like you.

JUNE: Hullo, bright spark, how are you? You don’t look too happy.

MAY: Horrible. You know what just happened, that dirty old man tried to grab my butt, and give me a kiss. ‘Oh, it’s my last week here, my little May, make me happy…’ he’s disgusting. I’ve a good mind to tell Mr Smith, but then I think he’s off in a couple of days.

JUNE: Four, not two, long days. Oh dear, Oh goodness. I will be glad to see the back of him, loathsome creep. I think you should mention it to Mr Smith, then he can have a quiet chat with him.

PAM: I agree with June. Just because he’s finishing at the end of the week doesn’t mean he can get away with being so coarse or unpleasant.

MAY: Yeah, well, I thought of that, but I think it’s just one week. But he’d better watch his manners. I’m fed up. Thinks he’s some sort of big boss the way he struts around the place.

PAM: Don’t we know! Put up with it for the past eight or so years, since we joined the firm.

JUNE: Nine and a half.

PAM: Oh, that long, is it? How his wife puts up with him, I don’t know.

MAY: I met her once, in the supermarket, by chance. She’s so sweet, deserves something better than itchy fingers.

JUNE: She should have had him put down. Yes, I mentioned to Pam just now that Mrs Crum and I have bumped into one another on the odd occasion. Talking of Ronnie boy, he was warned some years ago about peeping at the girls too, do you remember that, Pam?

PAM: Oh yeah, it was most embarrassing. Mrs White, she’s retired herself now, she gave him a mouthful, in full public view, and it was brilliant. The office was bigger then; we had another floor of the building, so the staff was much bigger, too.

MAY: Why was that? When?

JUNE: Before you started work here. He used to go round to the bottom of the stairs, at break time, wait for the ladies, and then you know what…

MAY: No, what?

PAM: Yes, pretending he wasn’t really taking any interest, dropping his newspaper on the floor -
JUNE: and taking two minutes to pick it up again.

MAY: You’re joking! I thought that happened in films… What a weirdo, suppose he's harmless, though

JUNE: Never can tell, my dear. You don’t know.

PAM: At least he’s got better in that sense.

MAY: Perhaps we’ll get some one a bit nicer.

PAM: No, they are not replacing old Ron, what’s the point? He does little enough as it is.

JUNE: I think Mr Way feels sorry for him, why, I don’t know.

PAM: Oh, before you two got here, Mr Smith really wound him up; told Ron we were taking him to an Indian place for his farewell. You should have seen the look in his eyes; you would have thought he was going to be poisoned.

MAY: That sounds like Mr Smith. I don’t think Ron is the adventurous type with food, or anything else.

JUNE: I don’t think he eats anything but fish and chips, pie and chips, that kind of thing…Oh, here he comes again.

PAM: Keep busy

MAY: What can I do?

JUNE: Come here, help me, pretend to. Put these papers away.

Ron enters

RON: Oh, my goodness, Miss pretty face May is here. Hullo, my little pet May, and you other two buxom beauties, two times we meet this summer morning. I feel so robust or virile today. Anyone fancy a cup of coffee?

JUNE: You mind your language with me, Ron, retirement or no retirement.

PAM: Here, here. You watch it, Motormouth. You’re bloody disgusting. If you were a teenager, you’d sound plain infantile, stupid, but a man of your should know better.

RON: Oh, we are in a bad mood, aren’t we, Pamela? Talking of teenagers, pretty May here -

MAY: You keep away: from me, Ron.

RON: Touchy, aren’t we, little binti.

JUNE: Watch it, Ron. You’re pushing it.

RON: I don’t know what’s wrong with women these days. Binti is some foreign word, meaning girl, used by Indians or something in the desert. I know this coz I saw a film, well, seen a couple of films where you’ve got the British Army fellows on the horses, and the stop to make camp, and the officer says, ‘Hey, binti, bring tea,’ or chai they call it there. Khyber Pass, that’s it, that’s what I was thinking of. And the girl, wearing some shawl brings them tea and biscuits by the log fire. Oh, that was the life. I could see myself as that, Major Ronald Crumb of the Hussars or Dragoons or something. Yeah. Nice uniform, servants, polo etc. That’s the life for me

PAM: Grow up, you idiot. You wouldn’t get in the army full stop. You’re too stupid and too lazy; and as for the Indian Army, oh yes, Ron on a horse. You’d run a mile if the thing came near you. Major Crum, what a joke. The British Empire would have collapsed within a month with people like you running it.

RON: You watch your poisonous tongue. I could have done a good job there, bring a bit of British discipline to the native people, you know what I mean. Get the coolies in line, and wack them if they were too slow, that kind of thing.

MAY: You’re such a nice bloke, Ron.

PAM: You, bring discipline. What a joke. Near my house is a corner shop, run by an Indian family. They work week in, week out, 5 30 am to 9 pm, whatever the weather. That’s hard work Ron, not the flapping around you do for ten minutes before your next tea break.

RON: You don’t know what you’re talking about..

JUNE: But they used to eat curry, too.

RON: Who used to eat curry?

JUNE: The British Army officers, of course. That’s what we were talking about.

RON: Oh, them, yeah, I know. Rubbish. British Army officers didn’t eat curry. They got their supplies from that place in London, what’s it called, Fortnum and something.

PAM: Mason.

RON: No, it’s definitely Fortnum.

PAM: Yes, that’s what I said. Fortnum and Mason

JUNE: You don’t know what you’re talking about, Ron.

PAM: Ron, we’re busy, if you don’t mind

JUNE: Ron, some of us have work to do

RON: So do I, ladies, just because I don’t park myself behind some typewriter doesn’t mean that I am fully occupied.

MAY: A word processor; it’s called a word processor.

RON: What?

JUNE: Word processor.

RON: I don’t understand.

PAM: June and May said ‘word processor’; two simple English words. You said about parking ourselves behind a typewriter. Well, they are not typewriters; they are word processors. Get it now?

RON: I think so. That’s what I mean, doesn’t mean I’m not working. The wheels of the place am I, the gears, the battery, you name it. I keep things moving

MAY: I have heard it is especially true of your hands.

RON: What was that?

MAY: Nothing, I just said you were a handy sort of person.

RON: It’s true, messages here and there, photocopying, sometimes I’m with Mr Way too, don’t forget. I don’t sit around all day doing nothing, that’s for sure.

JUNE: Yes, sweeping the floor, emptying the ashtray, making Mr Way a cup of tea. Oh, what will happen when you’ve left? How will the firm manage?

RON: That’s what I ask myself, my dear. That’s what I ask myself.

MAY: Oh goodness, have you heard of sarcasm, Ron?

RON: Yeah, why?

MAY: Oh blimey, it’s horrible to watch.

RON: I don’t get it. She asked me how the firm will manage. I don’t know, that’s what I think.

PAM: Oh dear, I think the answer is quite OK. I think we’ll manage alright next week, Ron. Of course, the British economy might be affected for a while, who knows.

JUNE: Mr Way will make do, Ron, don’t worry.

RON: That’s what you think. Mr Way trusts me more than most, he’s told me, from time to time, inner company secrets. I’m his, what’s the word…confidante, Spanish, or something like that. It’s like a trusted -

JUNE: Oh, come on, Ron, who are you kidding? Do you, in all honesty, think Mr Way is going to tell you the secrets of a financial company with worldwide contacts? There are four offices around Britain, one in the Channel Islands, one in each of Africa, the Far East and Latin America, a portfolio of who knows how many tens of millions of pounds, contacts with senior people in the Government, and you, Ronald Crum, office boy in the Cambridge branch, one of the smaller offices at that, think in all honesty Mr Way is going to tell you the business of the company. You must be joking. I’m the senior secretary, and there are things I don’t know.

PAM: Finance work depends on confidentiality. You know nothing of what goes on. Even if you did, you wouldn’t understand it.

RON: Oh. No? You don’t be so bloody rude, lady.

PAM: I’m not being rude, unlike you. It’s a fact. The people in the senior positions here, and in the other branches, have qualifications in law, in finance, in business management. You just don’t pick some hoi-polloi off the street and tell him to get on with the unit trust allocation. You want to grow up.

RON: What’s hoi-polloi thing, you just talked about?

MAY: It means riff -

JUNE It’s just an expression, Ron. Try not to lose sleep over it.

RON: Right, so Mr Way doesn’t tell me things, right? Right, you listen to me now, right? How about this? Did you know there‘s to be a big meeting in October, when I’ll be enjoying my well earned rest, ha, ha, only four more days, don’t forget.-

MAY: I haven’t.

RON: - when managers from the other branches in England are coming, and it’s going to be held, I have forgotten where, somewhere in the north of England, I think.

JUNE: Oh, my goodness, Ron. Are you sure? Isn’t that interesting, what a pity you won’t be there.

RON: Doesn’t bother me, who wants to go to the north of England in October? That don’t bother Ron, that’s for sure; I got better things to do than hang about in Newcastle on an autumn afternoon, that’s for sure; North of England, no way, Mr Way. Ha, ha, get it?

MAY: No, I didn’t. Can you explain it again?

RON: Talk about being stupid. I said ‘No way’, then ‘Mr Way’,
meaning -

PAM: We know, Ron, we know.

RON: Yeah, you might, but binti May here just said that –

PAM: I know what she said; she knows exactly what you were getting at.

RON: Well, why did she ask me then? I just don’t get it with some women. They don’t think like a man, that’s true.

JUNE: Neither do you.

RON: I do what?

MAY: Oh Ron, you are hard work.

RON: Yeah, I know I do, on the go from morning to night I am. Anyway, this meeting -

JUNE: Pam, May, do you know anything about this meeting? There’s a meeting in the north of England in October, let me think, hold on a minute, you’re right, Ron, there is going to be a company meeting. Does it ring a bell with you, Pam?

PAM: You’re right, my dear. I’d almost forgotten typing the letters to everyone. You know about it, May?

MAY: Yeah, I gave you a hand with them.

JUNE: Yes, you did, May.

RON: Oh, you knew, or are you making fun of me?

MAY: Of course we know, we know quite a bit about what goes on in the company, Ron. What do you think our work is here?

PAM: Do you really think we haven’t a clue about what’s going on? That’s what I get paid for, what the three of us get paid for, Ron, you know, to do the typing, take care of the mail, the paperwork, that sort of thing, because I am a secretary, Ron, a company secretary.

JUNE: I am one, too.

MAY: Me, too.

RON: What’s that got to do with it?

JUNE: Oh, I give up. I don’t know what goes on inside your brain.

MAY: Well, I do.

RON: Hey, don’t be funny with me, young May. I’m older than you
are. A bit of respect won’t be a bad thing.

MAY: My Mum and Dad told me you earned respect, it’s not something you get because you’re old.

RON: I’m not that old, anyway, fit, quick-witted etc.

PAM: Keep dreaming, Ron.

RON: Okay, but catch this; this is a secret, a personal secret, nothing to do with the company. I doubt if anyone else has heard of it. This is big news. Mr Way told me this a couple of days ago; his son is getting married soon, to the daughter of one of the top men in Natwest, one of the directors, something like that, I think. How about that?

JUNE: Oh, Ron, how interesting. I’m going to the wedding in three weeks time.

PAM: Yes, I am, too.

MAY: Me too.

RON: Hang on a minute, how do you know this? My Way told me just a couple -

MAY: It was in the paper three months ago, in the announcements section.

RON: What? Can’t be, Mr Way told me himself; he didn’t mention about a newspaper or anything. He’d have let me know earlier, I’m sure. I didn’t read it.

JUNE: Try reading more that the sports pages, Ron.

PAM: And the girl’s father is a deputy manager in one of the branches here in the city centre.

RON: How do you know that?

PAM: a, I went to school with her, b, she plays at the same tennis club, and c, her house is in the same road as mine. Okay?

RON: Oh. I didn’t know that.

JUNE: No you wouldn’t, Ron.

MAY: Too busy with the horseracing, or pigeons, whatever you do.

RON: Horseracing? No, don’t follow it, a bit complicated, and can’t work out the betting odds, always baffled me.

JUNE: That’s not surprising.

RON: You can sneer, has no effect on me. No, it’s football and cricket for me. Probably could have been a professional, but other things got in the way. I had my career to consider. No, football and cricket are my passions.

JUNE: Career? I didn’t know that? What career was that, Ron?

RON: This one of course. My career here with the company, what do you think my career is?

JUNE: Oh, sorry. Thought you’d had another career somewhere, in sport, something like that.

RON: What are you getting at?

JUNE: Nothing, Ron, nothing.

MAY: Bit of a change from a few years ago, from what we’ve been told recently.

RON: What do you mean?

MAY: The change in your career; it’s nothing important, just something about staircases.

RON: Don’t know what you mean.

MAY: That’s okay, then no need to be so embarrassed, is there?

RON: Yeah, um, well, got to be off, Mr Smith might need a hand, photocopying, or something.

JUNE: Watch where you put it, Romeo.

RON: Aw, shut up. Oh, here’s Mr Way and Mrs Brown.

Mr Way enters with Mrs Brown, Mr Smith

WAY: Good morning, everyone.

CHORUS: Good morning, Mr Way.

MRS BROWN: Good morning, people.

CHORUS: Good morning, Mrs Brown.

WAY: May I have your attention, please. Um, something’s just come up, quite urgent, a change of plan for the meeting of the British branches. It was supposed to be in October, as you know, in the north of England. That was then however, but we are talking about now, and now means that it’s been brought forward to the end of August, i.e. next month, that’s about four and a bit weeks from now, and that doesn’t give much time. Another major change is that head office wants to bring over the people from Hong Kong, Singapore, and Johannesburg, so it will be more of an international mini conference, a meeting, you know the sort of thing, glorified coffee shop, ha, ha, oh, right, not funny, right, rather than one with just the UK offices taking part, and that should make it much more interesting. The third change is that, as our head office is based just south of London, plus the fact that the overseas people will be coming, it would be better to hold the conference in the vicinity of Gatwick airport itself, partly for ease for head office of course, fair enough, they are head office, can’t argue with that, and also of course it cuts down the amount of time the overseas people will be on the go, i.e. it’s off the plane and into the hotel, within minutes, rather than the hours in would take to get them up the north of the country. Mrs Brown, the details please.

ROWN: Right, thank you, Mr Way. They want us there, for about four days, three nights, all expenses paid of course, and the Gatwick Hilton. As we’re a small office and not that far away - about two hours I think, something like that - they will provide a minibus for all of us here, so that cuts out getting taxis to and from the station, and hanging round for trains that probably run be late into the bargain. It won’t be for too long, and the evenings will be free, and they’re long on the south coast this time of year, so it will be very enjoyable, I think.

JUNE: That sounds good. Oh, Sussex in August; I think that will be very nice. Yes, I can manage that.

MR SMITH: Me, too. Not that far to Brighton, if I’m not mistaken.

WAY: We are planning a trip there, actually, Mr Smith. Mrs Brown will give you details later on.

MAY: Yeah, really good. Oh, what a pity Ron won’t be there.

PAM: Why’s that, May?

RON: Yeah. Why can’t I be there?

MAY: Because you will have retired, Ron, won’t you?

JUNE: What a pity.

PAM: Oh, how unfortunate. We’ll have to manage without you, Ron.

MAY: I think we can manage.

WAY: Of course, Ron will have retired by then, I had forgotten. Oh, well, no doubt you’ll be enjoying yourself with watching the cricket and pigeons etc, ha, ha.

RON: Um, officially, yes, but I can always hang on for a bit longer. I mean, there are bound to be loads of things I could help out with…

WAY: Things such as what, Ron?

RON: I don’t know off hand. There’s bound to be something though.

MRS BROWN: I don’t think so, Ron. Most of the work will be strict financial, discussing, analysing, forecasting and so on.

RON: What about photocopying, I could help with that; I could make the tea, something like that.

Quiet laughter

MRS BROWN: I don’t think there will be much photocopying, Ron, we don’t do that sort of thing at an international meeting, and the tea, well, I think the hotel staff are used to that kind of thing. They are in the hotels I know.

RON: Oh. I suppose so, yeah, well, yeah …

WAY: Anyway, that is it in a nutshell; Mrs Brown will brief you further. She will handle any questions from you, regarding arrangements.

MRS BROWN: Thank you, Mr Way; I’ll make a start now, if I may?

WAY: Yes, please go ahead. Ah, Ron, can you give me a hand with something?

RON: Yes, sir, Ron, always willing, but, er, shouldn’t I be listening to Mrs Brown. About the conference, I mean…

WAY: Er, no, that won’t be the case, er Ron the thing is, the conference, as I have just mentioned, I thought with some clarity, has been rearranged for August, and you’ll er, um, will be enjoying your retirement, yes. Oh, okay then, there’s not much else for you to do at the moment.

RON: That’s a bit disappointing, sir; I would like to go down to Sussex for a few days, get away from this place, see something different, you know what I mean?

WAY: Yes, I do, but retirement is retirement, nothing I can do about it. That’s unfortunate. Anyway, let’s get on with the business, shall we?

BROWN: Of course, Mr Way.

RON: What about me?

WAY: Go on then, Ron. It’s nothing that important; I can manage myself. You listen to Mrs Brown, okay?

Way exit

MRS BROWN: Well, I hope everyone is excited by the thought of a free summer break. I shouldn’t put it quite like that, but that is what it is, in effect.

CHORUS Yes, Fine, sounds interesting, okay.

MRS BROWN: Now, the first thing to consider is that some of you have children, Now, it’s the school holidays, so at least there’s no worry about getting them to school. I have arranged for my sister to take care of my two whilst I’m away. May and Mr Smith, no problem for you two as you don’t have children. Pam and June, what about you two?

PAM: I don’t want to miss the meeting, of course. Um, I’ll ask my mother to look after my two; I can’t see any problem, to be honest.

MRS BROWN: Good. June?

JUNE: No problem, because my husband is off work for a week anyway, so he can take care of mine.

SMITH: He can take care of yours? I thought they were his as well… or were you…

JUNE: laughing You know what I mean.

MRS BROWN: Excellent. How many do you have, three, isn’t it?

JUNE: Yes, that’s right; quite enough.

MRS BROWN: I’m sure. Right, here is the timetable. The minibus will take us from here 8 30am Monday 22 August, getting to the hotel in time for lunch. Then, that afternoon and evening will be fairly busy. Tuesday and Wednesday likewise, except for the evenings, when you’ll be free after dinner. Then, Thursday, the overseas people catch their flights early to mid morning; they will be taken to the airport. The management thought it would be nice if we spent the rest of the day in Brighton, have a seafood lunch perhaps, there are some good places there, so they tell me, something like that, and then get back to the hotel late afternoon and back here in Cambridge around 8pm.

SMITH: That sounds good to me.

MAY: That’s fine with me.

PAM: Okay, no problem.

JUNE: I like it, I like it. I also like seafood, too, especially in a restaurant next to the sea.

SMITH: I like it when the company are paying for it, too. It tastes even better, I think.

MAY: I’m going to order lobster.

JUNE: Big, big fresh prawn.

MRS BROWN: Right. As Mr Way mentioned earlier, it will be the Gatwick Hilton, breakfast, lunch, and dinner paid for of course, so the only thing you would need money for would be drinks after dinner, and any shopping might do on the day out in Brighton. The minibus will take us there, so no rail or bus fares to buy. It seems to me a nice little break. I know there’s work to be done, but there’ll be some free time, and the evenings are long this time of the year. Oh, the working day will finish around 5 30, then dinner, and after that, you’re free. Are there any questions?

JUNE: What will be our role there, the clerical staff?

MRS BROWN: Much as here, there’s a conference room with full office facilities, and you’ll have the chance to meet some of the people you’re in touch with by letter or e mail or phone, so it should be quite a nice social gathering, too. I mean, evenings will be free, so after dinner, it’s up to you.

MAY: That’s wonderful. I’m so excited by the whole idea; I haven’t seen anything of that part of England.

RON: You haven’t missed much, nothing special about the place. The hotel’s okay, it’s got a nice bar.

MRS BROWN: But you just said a few moments ago that you would like to come with us? You said you’d postpone your retirement?

JUNE: Why the change of mind, Ron?

RON: There’s not much to do in the evenings, just the bar.

SMITH: You would know that, wouldn’t you, Ron?

RON: Popped in when waiting for the plane to Spain once. I think I may have stayed in the hotel, if memory serves me correct.

JUNE: Probably isn’t.

RON: What?

JUNE: Nothing, Ron. Just, er, nothing.

MRS BROWN: Can we get back to the meeting, please?

SMITH: Yes, that’s a good idea.

MRS BROWN: Any more questions?

PAM: What’s the agenda, what will be discussed there?

MRS BROWN: the moment, but basically the company plan for the next 5 years in the European market, and the effects of the London Frankfurt merger, and the Asian aspects. Singapore and Hong Kong are coming too. Mr Smith will be presenting his study of the biotech industry and its future growth. That should be interesting.

JUNE: Oh good, I’ll be able to meet them in person. I contact them almost everyday; know them quite well, well, impersonally if you know what I mean.

MRS BROWN: Exactly, one of the ideas of the meeting. Right, I must get on with arranging our schedule, what we want to do there, so June, can I see you in my office, and Pam and May, here are the telephone numbers to make the arrangements, so can you get on with that, please. Ron, I need some photocopying, please.

RON: Yes, Mrs Brown.

JUNE: Right, Mrs Brown. I’ll get my notebook.

PAM: Sure, come on, May.

MAY: Right you are

Mrs Brown, Ron, June exeunt

PAM: That’s good, a nice weekend away, all paid, plus time off later, transport, and the chance to see a little of Sussex. We could have the night out in Brighton; it’s not that far.

MAY: And the best thing is old grope won’t be there

PAM: Yes, I’d forgotten that. Oh, even better!

MR SMITH: Poor old chap. I feel sorry for the old codger sometimes. But can you imagine him getting drunk in front of the Hong Kong people? What it would do for the company’s name? I think that he’s just one of life’s no-hopers, in my opinion. ‘What are you doing at the weekend, Ron?’ ‘Oh, gardening, watching the cricket, watching the football, going down the pub, and reading the Sunday newspapers.’ What a life. I can’t imagine Ron being anything else.

MAY: I agree. But I don’t feel sorry, not in the slightest. He grabbed me too many times for that.
PAM: Me too. I mean, in the sense of not being sorry about the fool. Hasn’t grabbed me yet, but everyday ‘Can I have a kiss, Pam, dear?’ Man makes me sick.

MR SMITH: Maybe you’re right. Come on, work to do, you two.

Music, light out, curtain

Act 1 scene 2

At rise; in office, Ron’s farewell, Ron playing music first one minute ‘Chirpy, chirpy, cheep, cheep’, miming, looking like an idiot, then others enter, then take place, embarrassment, food, drink on covered table, cards etc, party impression

RON: Welcome to my own party, good people.

WAY: Well, we are gathered here to bid one of our longest serving -

PAM: - unfortunately

WAY: - and loyal workers goodbye for the last time. I’m sure you are all aware of who I am referring to,

JUNE: Could we forget

WAY: Yes, that’s right, old Reg Crumb. What?

SMITH: It’s Ron, Ron.

WAY: Ron, yes, of course, good old Ron; I was thinking of Reg the landscape gardener, who came to the house last week; wonderful chap, so knowledgeable about plants, birds, and even the wildlife of the area. He’s a very nice man, a true gentleman.

RON: What sort of wildlife? He means the women. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

WAY: Ha, Ron, old chap, not everyone thinks along the same lines as you. Reg is a cultivated fellow.

MAY: He should be. He’s a gardener.

groan

MRS BROWN: Thank you May, very witty.

RON: Why is she witty? I don’t get it? That’s lost on me, that is. It’s lost on me.

PAM: What a surprise.

WAY: Ladies and gentlemen, might we continue? We have to get through this, I mean, get through this before going back for the afternoon. As I just mentioned, good old Ron is retiring from the world of work, and will no doubt be looking forward to a long, happy and interesting retirement. Yes, you must be looking forward to it enormously.

JUNE: We are.

WAY: Everyone knows the magnificent role, the effort put in, and the cooperation you’ve given to all here, keeping the firm going, um, by, um, well, er, the many things you, er, you, you do. Yes.

JUNE: I don’t believe it.

MAY: He has to say something nice, what, I don’t know.

WAY: We will miss your famous sense of humour, ha, ha, oh, yes, we’ll miss that, won’t we, everyone?

Nobody laughs

WAY: Right, in that case, I would like to ask Mrs Brown to make a short speech. Mrs Brown.

MRS BROWN: Thank you, Mr Way. As you know, one of our members of staff is retiring today, and this event in this restaurant is a mark of our respect for a man who has dedicated thirty-nine years of his life to this company. I refer to, of course, Ronald Crum.

RON: Thank you, thank you. My pleasure.

PAM: Idiot.

JUNE: Hear, hear

MAY: He will be off his chair, the way he’s going on with the drink.

MRS BROWN: Yes, a long career, a long career. And even though the firm has lost members of staff over the past twenty years, with the introduction of technology, and natural retirement, leaving only a small number of staff now, good old Ron has kept on, in his own way, always ready for a quick word of advice, a chat, or a cup of tea…

PAM: Mrs Brown!

MAY: Oh dear, I don’t think I’m hearing this.

JUNE: Arrgh.

RON: That’s me, folks, that’s me. Oh, before it escapes from my mind, I must present a present – get that; present a present, ha, ha, - to you, as a token of my gratitude and thanks, and appreciation for all we’ve gone through together etc, etc, etc,

SMITH: What on earth is the fool going on about?

JUNE: I haven’t a clue.

PAM: Me, neither.

RON: Here is, you can notice, a picture, drawn by one Ronald Crum, and framed, at no small cost for twenty five pounds; this aforementioned work of art, I now present to you, as a token of my utter esteem for you as workers, colleagues and fellow members of this company.

MAY: I don’t get this…

RON: Mr Way, please accept this from your loyal, humble and obedient Office Manager, i.e. me.

WAY: Thank you, Ron, that’s very kind of you…oh, my goodness, Ron, what is this?

SMITH: What’s up, Mr Way. Oh, no, Ron…

JUNE: Ron!

PAM: Let me have a look…oh, no, that’s gross…

MAY: You filthy -

MRS BROWN: Um, Ron, I think it’s, um, I don’t know what to think.

RON: I knew you’d be impressed by my artistry. It’s brilliant, isn’t it?

SMITH: Ron, you can’t –

WAY: Ron, I think it might be better if we…

RON: Look, I’ll put it up here, there we go. There, the bald one is Mr Way, and the thin one, Mr Smith, both eyes popping out, tongue out too, because they are gazing at the four topless beauties of the office; there’s Mrs Brown, big size, Pam and June there, and little teeny May just there, by the cupboard, trying to look a bit shy, but unable to because she always like to -

WAY: Ron, I think it’s quite, um, offensive to people, this kind of thing –

RON: Rubbish, harmless saucy resort postcards, that’s what gave me the idea, plus of course watching May bending over the –

MAY: You watch it –

SMITH: May, just leave it be, it’s only for an hour or so.

MAY: Don’t you dare talk about me like that, you loath-

MRS BROWN: It’s alright, May, just Ron’s sense of humour. Um, let’s get back to the party and get it over with.

JUNE: Yes, ASAP

PAM: Yes, hear, hear.

RON: You’ll get used to it; I’m sad to part with it, I spent hours trying to get it right, especially you know what bits, ha, ha.

WAY: Right, that’s enough, Ron. Um, let’s get back on track, shall we. Mrs Brown, please carry on, I mean, try to carry on, will you, and get this over with. Oh, my goodness, I wouldn’t have thought it would come to this, Mr Smith.

SMITH: I agree, Mr Way. Oh, what an end to the week. Ah, Mrs Brown’s ready, I think.

MRS BROWN: Ron, I have yet to meet anyone, man or woman, who can match you in photocopying. There are many other things you did: opening the office in the morning, shutting it in the evening, emptying the rubbish, keeping the place clean and tidy. In the summer, you opened the windows and in the winter the heating was just right, wasn’t it, everyone?

SMITH: Perfect, just perfect.

WAY: Hear, hear.

RON: If I might butt here, Mrs Brown, I want to tell you a secret. I don’t know if any of you noticed, but the windows were opened a certain way depending on the weather. Just an example, I opened the windows a little more if the day was hot, but kept them only slightly open when the temperature dropped. I wonder how many of you noticed that. No, I thought not.

MRS BROWN: That explains things, then, doesn’t it?

JUNE: Thank you so much, Ron.

PAM: Yes.

MAY: That’s brilliant.

WAY: I think from now on, May must take charge of the windows, what do you think?

SMITH: Excellent idea. I second that.

JUNE: May would be perfect.

PAM: What do you think, May. Are you up to the challenge?

MAY: I’m a quick learner. Mr Way, I’ll try to get it right.

RON: Then next spring, you know you can make the remark… wait for it, ‘It’s May. Open the windows! Get it? May is the month, and May is little binti here! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

WAY: Yes, thank you, Ron.

MAY: You don’t call me binti -

JUNE: Cool down, May.

PAM: Cut his throat another day, okay?

RON: Okay, little lady, just being sociable. But don’t lean out to far when you open the window, otherwise your cleavage will be on display to those paedophiles in the street -

SMITH: Oh, my goodness.

RON: - and if you wear those miniskirts, you’ll expose your rear to the office staff, too. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That’ll get old Way and Smithy worked up, won’t it? I need another drink. Hey, June, pass the bottle, my dear.

WAY: Ron, that’s enough. Zip it.

RON: Sorry, Mr Way, just getting a bit carried away; the drink’s bloody good, isn’t it? I think I’ll get another bottle. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

SMITH: Ron, that’s enough, let’s cool it a bit.

RON: Right you are, Smithy old chap.

JUNE: Loathsome creature.

PAM: I agree.

MRS BROWN: I really think, Ron, we must get back on track.

WAY: Yes, I concur. Ron, please let Mrs Brown finish. Thank you.

MAY: Just look at him, midday and he’s half-pissed. What a wreck.

MRS BROWN: Thank you, Mr Way. I would like to add that I appreciate your work over the years, and take this opportunity to wish you a happy retirement. Mr Way.

WAY: Thank you, Mrs Brown Indeed, a glowing tribute to Ron, I am sure shared by everyone here.

Silence

RON: Thank you, thank you.

WAY: You’ve often mentioned, Ron, that you enjoy gardens, gardening, the country life and so on and so forth, so Mrs Brown came up with this, as a parting gift from the two of us. What do you think this is Ron? At first, we thought a set of CDs showing the history of cricket, but that seemed a bit boring, after all, you probably have something like that already. No, Mrs Brown thought of this, credit to her. An inspirational choice, if ever there was one. A one-year subscription to the National Trust, for two, and that includes a thrice-yearly magazine, like this one.

Ron dismay clear

WAY: Look at this; the magnificent Alnwick Hall. That’s in, where? Durham? Mr Smith, you’re from those parts, where is it? Northumbria?

MR SMITH: Cumbria actually, the other side, but I think Northumberland sounds right.

MAY: It’s just what Ron could use. Well done, Mrs Brown.

JUNE: A brilliant choice. Look at Ron’s expression!

WAY: Alnwick Hall looks wonderful. Next month, they are having an exhibition of fifteenth century armour and weaponry. Sounds fascinating, don’t you think?

RON: Yeah, um, yeah.

MAY: He’s over the moon, look at him.

WAY: There you are then, Ron, happy retirement.

RON: Thank you, Mr Way, Mrs Brown, that is, um, wonderful. It’s just the kind of thing I can use…

WAY: Yes, er, well, um, on behalf of the other staff, I’d like to ask Mr Smith, to present you with a little souvenir from all of them here. Mr Smith, over to you.

SMITH: Thank you, Mr Way. Ron, old chap, you’ve spent many years telling everyone about your love in life, your weekend passion, what you love to do in your spare moments. And we know there is one thing that you like above anything else. And that is gardening…

Ron opens mouth, horror

SMITH: so we thought the BBC Gardening Book would be right up your garden path, so to speak, full of the technical terms that I’m sure you know, Latin names, but an expert like you probably knows most of them anyway: a reference section, you’ll really enjoy the summer evenings reading this, we are certain. So Ron, on behalf of the firm, it’s yours. We wish you happy reading, and even better gardening. Who knows, one day we’ll be reading in the Cambridge Evening News about 'Ronald Crum, Histon Gardener of the Year’.

MAY: How about ‘Ron Crum, Histon Freak of the Year’.

Clapping, mild laughter

MRS BROWN: I like it, May. What cutting wit you have.

MAY: The one thing I’d like to cut would be his throat.

PAM: With a blunt knife, no doubt.

MAY: Yes, a rusting one, too.

JUNE: I am beginning to like you, May!

SMITH: Good luck. Yes, well, um, here you are Ron, here you are. Yes, this is for Ron. Give Ron a big hand, everyone.

Half hearted forced clapping, Ron half staggers, horrible flashy tie, suit too small, drinking too much

RON: Mr Smith, Smithy, my mate, er thank you kind sir for your kind words, and your kind remarks, and also Mr Way, and Mrs Brown. You are er kind, yes. Now, I’d like to have a talk with you, a little speech, wrote it myself some months ago.

Takes out wad of papers

PAM: Oh no.

MAY: Oh my goodness.

JUNE: He’s not, is he?

Brown, Smith, Way exchange looks of horror, resignation, frustration

RON: Mr Way, sir, you, and I have known each other for many years, and we’ve become close pals over the years, bosom pals, and intimate acquaintances…

Hand on Way shoulder, who cringes, embarrassment

Smith looking at watch, on hand phone

SMITH: Sorry, darling, can’t make it, this idiot is dragging things out. Sorry

RON: for forty years, full rich years in the service of this wonderful company, starting at the bottom, a young man of twenty five years of age, a junior assistant, and finishing in a modest position up the league, a bit like Cambridge United, eh?

Laughs, no reaction

RON: going on the journey through middle age and now, wise old man of the world, ending his professional life as General Office Manager…

WAY: He’s what? Office Manager? That’s news to me. I thought that’s what I was doing for the past twenty years.

PAM: He’s never been further than Harlow.

MAY: Went to Spain once, maybe twice, didn’t like the food, the locals, or the heat...

SMITH: Oh no.

JUNE: He’s joking.

PAM: What a jerk.

RON: So let me brief you with a short summary of my time here. It all started way back in 1955, I can’t forget the day when …I need another glass…when I began work as a hairdressing assistant; I worked there for a number of years before moving on to the electrical appliances of the world of household equipment, before finding my true niche - I do believe, if I am not mistaken, that niche is of the French language origin - with this company, in the exciting world of business finance, the Stock Market and so on…

WAY: What is he going on about?

SMITH: Does he have to?

WAY: Oh, shut up, please.

RON …we’ve all got our share of problems er idiocities, idiosyn…

WAY: idiosyncrasies

RON: Yeah, mate, that’s what I said exactly, so now, I go back to youth, with your predecessor, Mr Tonge, who gave me the encouragement to go on with my career, treated me like a brother, talked to me after work, asked how my children were, always asked about them, he did, what a man. I am what I am today because of him, and people like him like Mr Way and Mrs Brown, how much I owe them, bosom companions for life, oh, what can I -

WAY: Ron, listen to me. We have to finish soon. Thank you so much for your contribution to the firm, but well, you know, business is business, and we’ve got to get back, must go on. Even without good old Ron. I’m sure everyone has enjoyed your –

PAM: No.

MAY: Absolutely not.

JUNE: Definitely no.

WAY: - talk, so, er once again, from everyone, thank you for everything.
Mrs Brown, could you sing ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow’ for us, just get us started?

MRS BROWN: What? You’re joking? Do I have to?

WAY: Yes, get it over with.

BROWN: Oh, I’ll never forgive you for this. Right everyone, 1 2 3 ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow’

Half hearted clapping cheers Ron beaming, drinks more, salutes everyone, stumbles to feet, throws arm round Brown’s shoulder, tries to kiss her, pushed away

RON: Thank you, fans, thank you, thank you, thank you. Before I take my long deserved rest, well-earned farewell from this illustrated company, I have a little surprise for you; you’ll love it.

SMITH: Illustrious company, surely?

JUNE: Who cares? What a jerk.

RON: I have been now, for ten past few weeks, secretly and most stealthily, like one of those American planes in Alconburg… Alcon…

SMITH: Alconbury.

RON: Yeah, that’s the place. I have, with my technical expertness, a surprise for you…

Gets microphone, groans, half smiles, clearing of throats etc, restless. Music comes on, then karaoke film on screen, My Way out of tune, rhythm, movements
Mrs Crum enters, quietly at the back

RON: Yes, My Way, beautiful song, and of course, you are Mr Way. My Way, Mr Way, get it? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Here we go, people. Take it away, rock with me, sock it to me, baby.

First one and a half verses, before Way nods to Smith to take microphone, Brown turns down volume, general embarrassment, Ron take chair, half gone.

MRS BROWN: I don’t believe it.

MR WAY: I feel sick.

MR SMITH: Me too. It’s awful.

MR WAY: I shared a taxi a couple of times, that’s all. I don’t know him well. It was in the winter, in the snow. He came to my house once.

JUNE: Could pull the plug.

PAM: Better electrocute him.

MAY: I’ll do it.

MR WAY: Please finish.

SMITH: Mr Way, the directors from head office are here in 15 minutes.

WAY: Don’t remind me.

BROWN: I can’t take any more.

Ron half collapses, grabs a glass, Mrs Brown turns down volume, applause.

WAY: Well, Ron, once again, goodbye, thank you, we must be getting on, take care of yourself, we’ll, er, miss you, won't we?

RON: Yeah, everyone will miss good old Ron. Now, Ron, will bid you a fond and final farewell, taking leave of your gracious company, secure in the knowledge that we will meet again on the streets of Cambridge, the pubs, the banks of the Cam, be it sunshine or showers, yes, we will greet one another like the long lost bosom pals we are.

SMITH: Ron, I really think we must finish now.

MRS BROWN: Yes, Ron, thank you for everything, we must be going.

RON: The place won’t be the same without me, will it, Mr Way?

WAY: No, it won’t; that’s probably the understatement of the year. Ron thank you, goodbye, and enjoy your retirement. Thank you.

JUNE: Happy retirement Ron. Goodbye

PAM: Happy retirement Ron, See you around, maybe.

MAY: Happy retirement Ron, enjoy the gardening.

MRS BROWN: Best wishes Ron; enjoy your retirement. Goodbye

SMITH: Happy retirement Ron. Enjoy yourself.

WAY: Happy retirement Ron, and goodbye.

Clapping, embarrassed silence, Ron laughing, arms round Mr Smith and waist of Mrs Brown

CRUM I think it’s time to go, the taxi’s waiting.

RON: No, come and have a drink. Everyone, this is my beloved, my better half, aren’t you, darling? Mrs Crum.

WAY: Mrs Crum, nice to see you; why didn’t you come earlier?

MRS BROWN: Yes, why didn’t you come? You would be most welcome.

SMITH: Mrs Crum, how are you? Why are you so late? Ron’s finished.

JUNE: Oh, Mrs Crum, why didn’t you come and enjoy yourself?

CRUM It’s very kind of you, but the reason I didn’t come is that he didn’t tell me there was to be a farewell party today.

MAY: What do you mean? We arranged this ‘party’ a couple of months back. You must have known about it?

PAM: You’re not serious, are you? You mean Ron didn’t mention anything about it?

CRUM That’s right. I heard about it from the wife of one of his pub mates. I thought if he didn’t mention it, he didn’t want me to come, so I didn’t, but I knew he’d have too much to drink, that’s why I came with a taxi.

SMITH: Is that true, Ron?

MAY: That’s too much. You make me... oh. You’re contemptuous.

JUNE: That’s terrible, Ron, not to invite your wife. What were you thinking?

CRUM: He probably wasn’t. It’s not an activity that comes with any frequency or depth, the effects of four hours in the pub put paid to that.

RON: I didn’t think about it, sort of slipped my mind. Anyway, she’s not for going out partying, are you, my dear?

MRS BROWN: That’s not the point. As a matter of courtesy you should have invited your wife.

PAM: Yes.

RON: Oh, sorry; maybe the next time.

Laughs

CRUM I’m sorry, Mr Way, everyone.

RON: Why are you all so quiet? Come on, let’s party.

WAY: That’s all right, Mrs Crum, it’s quite all right.

BROWN: Never mind dear, it’s okay. Let me get you a drink.

CRUM: Thank you, that’s kind of you.

PAM: It’s too much.

JUNE: It’s terrible. He’s terrible.

MAY: Oh, you poor dear.

BROWN: There you are, Mrs Crum.

CRUM: Thank you, my dear.

The others talk quietly to her, June hand an arm

RON: I need another drink. Where’s the hooch?

Staggers off around table, gets bottle, sits down, drinking. Others chat.

MRS BROWN: What do you make of your husband’s art work?

CRUM: Where? Oh, he’s awful; he has no talent at anything…oh, no I
don’t…oh, my goodness…Ron…oh, I am so embarrassed, how could he, oh, my dears, I am so sorry…

JUNE: It’s not you who’s to blame, Mrs Crum, don’t worry.

PAM: Let me get you another drink.

CRUM: Oh, how did I come to be associated with this? Oh, no. I feel sick, I want to go home and bury myself under the bedclothes. Oh, I wish I hadn’t come.

SMITH: Try not to worry, Mrs Crum. We’re going to throw it away as soon as he’s gone.

CRUM: Please don’t think the rest of my family are like Ron; they’re not.

PAM: We know.

MAY: Yes, we know that, Mrs Crum.

JUNE: Some people are like this, Mrs Crum, don’t worry, he’ll have forgotten by this evening.

CRUM: I know. I’ve spent thirty eight years putting up with this type of nonsense.

MRS BROWN: Why have you put up with it for so long?

PAM: Good question.

JUNE: It’s terrible for you, isn’t it?

CRUM: Yes, but I’m stupid, maybe, and old fashioned, you know, a marriage is forever and all that nonsense, at least now I know it’s nonsense. I hope you young women won’t be so stupid, and put up with this kind of behaviour. I so regret I didn’t walk out before, but there were the children to think about.

MRS BROWN: Where are they now?

CRUM: One’s in Worcester, one in Hereford; I don’t think they could take this part of the country after growing up here. They are with their own families now, at least they are happy, and that’s the main thing.

PAM: I’m pleased to hear that.

JUNE: Me, too

MAY: You want to kick him out, that’s what I would do. Look at him, trying to hug poor Mr Smith.

CRUM: Oh, no, he makes such a fool of himself. I can’t take anymore of this. Thank you for the drink, my dears, I must make a move; pop round to see me sometime, if you like. There’s my address.

MRS BROWN: Thank you, we’ll do that sometime, won’t we?

PAM: Of course.

MAY: Yes, Mrs Crum.

JUNE: But what about Ron, what will he be like if we turn up at your place?

CRUM: Ha, don’t worry about that. When he’s not at work, he’s asleep in bed until 11am, and then an hour later he’s off to the pub until nearly three. The evening is the same; out at 7 30, back in at 11 45. Don’t worry, you won’t bump into him. Oh, look at him. Ron, get in the taxi. Now, or you walk back.

RON: You always know how to spoil a man’s good time, spoil a party. Just getting warmed up, and you have to spoil it. That’s typical of you.

CRUM: Move it Ron. Enough is enough.

Ron shakes hands, slaps backs, tries to give each of the women a kiss, unsuccessfully, takes wife’s arm, and walks slowly out

SMITH: Ron, here’s your book.

RON: Oh yeah, thanks mate.

Exeunt

WAY: Phew, what a day.

MRS BROWN: How embarrassing for the poor woman.

JUNE: Poor dear.

SMITH: Don’t forget, it’s only eight hours a day for us, and only for the week.

MAY: Come on, let’s get the place cleaned up a bit.

SMITH: Mr Way, the meeting…

WAY: Yes, I know

JUNE: He forgot his karaoke tape.

MAY: Good, at least he can’t torture anyone else with it.

PAM: No, it’s not; run after them, he might come back next week.

WAY: Please will someone take that wretched picture down now.

MAY: Oh, let me. Oh, please, please, please let me.

WAY: May, are you alright?

MAY: Oh, yes, Mr Way.

MRS BROWN: May, what are you doing?

MAY: I’m going to drop it, by accident, in a few minutes, and then tear up the drawing, by accident, in a few minutes, and then, when I get home tonight, I shall throw the frame into my Dad’s firewood box tonight.

JUNE: By accident.

PAM: Oh, no!

MRS BROWN: Oh yes!

MAY: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Exeunt, light out, music, last thirty seconds, ‘My Way’.


Act 2 scene 1

At rise; in Ron’s house in the autumn, window to rear, lounge overlooking garden, coffee table, armchairs, sofa, a couple of pictures, ornaments, decent quality, but simple, neat. Music

CRUM: Do you want your lunch now?

RON: No thanks, just enjoying myself looking at the garden.

CRUM: Well, if you enjoy the garden so much, why don’t you do something in it, instead of just sitting there? The trees need pruning, and the fence has half fallen down in the corner.

RON: Quit moaning, and turn that bloody thing off.

CRUM : I’m not moaning, I’m simply making a few facts clear to you. The garden’s a mess. It’s not a bloody thing either, it’s the stereo, and I like the music.

RON: I don’t. I don’t want to listen to some female screeching away.

CRUM: Right, if you insist, but she’s not screeching. Shirley Bassey doesn’t screech. If she screeched, no one would buy her records; but they do, that’s why she’s a millionaire.
Crum turns off the music.

RON: Anyone can sing like that.

CRUM: That’s right, Ron; anyone can sing like Shirley Bassey, according to Prof Ron Crum; that’s why there are hundreds of people like Shirley Bassey, each of them making a fortune.

RON: Who cares?

CRUM: Oh, just a few hundred million people in different countries; nothing important. Now, about the garden -

RON: Do it yourself.

CRUM: You know full well with my arthritis I can’t move around that well. I’m not asking much; just get the place cleaned up a bit. Look at it. There are weeds there, the patio needs a good scrub, and the fence needs some timber treatment. You could get a light colour; that would brighten the garden up.

RON: I’m happy just looking. It looks okay to me.

CRUM: That’s all you do, Ron, sit there and look at the garden. Watch TV, go down the pub every evening, every morning hangover, read the paper, eat lunch, sleep, look at the garden, pub, sleep. Look at yourself. You’re an advertisement for a third world beggar.

RON: You moan too much. I’m happy.

CRUM: You’re happy? Doing what? You’re a vegetable, 65 and you’re like a man of 80.

RON: You don’t call me 80 years old. I’m still young at heart, healthy, and enjoying life -

CRUM: Rubbish. You’re watching life looking at you.

RON: Bugger you, lady. I’m off.

CRUM: Yeah, down the pub. Yes, I know. Bye, Ron. Enjoy yourself. Lunch is in the kitchen.

RON: Well, at least I’ve got some mates there, who know what’s going on.

CRUM: Yes, for the first pint or two. After that, they couldn’t remember their name.

RON: You don’t understand men, do you?

CRUM: No, I’ve not been married to one, so that is my excuse.

RON: Funny, get knotted, you -

CRUM: Bye. Ron. Remember where your house is.
Ron exit, slams door

CRUM: What a man, I don’t know. Thirty-eight years for what?

Starts to cry
Stop it, you stupid woman, pick yourself up.

Picks up phone

CRUM: cont Yes, it’s Mrs Crum of Histon Road. Yes, that’s right. Thank you, dear. Yes, I’m interested in Spain, somewhere with winter sun, just one person, Oh, about 4-5 weeks, extended break.
Ron re enters

RON: Forgot the keys. Who are you phoning?

CRUM: The travel agency. Excuse me, dear; I’ll call you back. Thank you.

RON: Where are you going?

CRUM: I want to go down to Spain for part of the winter.

RON: I don’t know what you see in Spain. You go there every year. What’s wrong with England? Beer’s better here, that’s for sure. And they don’t play cricket. Spain’s boring.

CRUM: You’d know all about being boring, Ron, wouldn’t you? You’re Cambridge’s leading expert on the subject. There’s more to Spain than beer, more to life than…

RON: More to life than what?

CRUM: Than sitting in a chair staring at the garden, or sitting round the pub every lunchtime and night. I want to see some more of the world. I’m not talking of luxury cruise, or first class hotels in the Far East or Africa, but I’d like to see more of Europe. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days staring at a blank wall and a run-down garden. And I want some company.

RON: What’s stopping you? You’re too nervous to go further than Spain by yourself. No spirit of adventure, that’s your problem.

CRUM: You’re a fine one to talk, Ron. Two times to Spain in your life, a total of four weeks, most of which you spent on the beach, in the bar, or sleeping off the effects. A few day trips to Calais, mainly to get your duty free cigarettes and beer, Scotland for a weekend twenty-four years ago. Oh, and our honeymoon week in the Lake District, thirty-nine years ago.

RON: That’s more than most people.

CRUM: Is it? Well, not in my book. And now the children are grown up with their own families, and you’ve retired, it’s a chance.

RON: Why didn’t you go before, then?

CRUM: You know exactly why, Ron. Who’s going to get dinner? Who’s going to do the shopping? Who’s going to do the housework? That’s what you’ve said all these years.

RON: I can do that myself; I’m independent.

CRUM: Don’t make me laugh, Ron. When was the last time you cleaned the house? You don’t know how to switch on the washing machine. Cooking! Maybe you could manage to fry an egg, or do the toast, perhaps add the jam.

RON: You love to humiliate me, to run me down, don’t you? It’s what you’ve done all your life. You’ve not showed me any respect throughout our marriage.

CRUM: Ron, I have more respect for a potted plant than for you. What have you done to earn any respect? You’ve worked as an office boy for the last thirty years. What have you done, apart from that? No money, you bleat. But it’s always enough for the pub and your cigarettes, Ron. You have enough for that. It’s fortunate for the past ten years we haven’t run a car. Where would we get the money for that? You’ve haven’t once taken a second job. You only work Monday to Friday.

RON: Yeah, so do you. And you get those long holidays too. Look at yourself first.

CRUM: Here you go again. Schoolteachers get long holidays, don’t do any work, get home at four; we tell the children what to do, then sit around doing nothing. Talk like that makes sick. People like you have no idea what work in a primary school is like. True, the holidays are better, but the salary is lower than people in business earn.

RON: You chose the job, not me. Anybody can teach. I could have taught if I’d wanted to, but the job seems boring. Anyway, if the salary’s not enough, you’re pretty dummy to do it. Typical bloody teachers, moan, moan, moan, long holidays, moan, short day, home at four moan, spend a couple of hours on homework moan. Grow up, if you can’t do it, get a proper job -

CRUM: - a proper job! Look in the mirror. You have spent the past thirty years sweeping the floor, carrying papers from one office to the next, getting their tea. Oh, you’re a joke; a proper job? Listen, Ron, people go into teaching because they think it is something worthwhile, something they might enjoy, something rewarding, maybe not in financial terms, but in terms of, what, how can I put it, inner enjoyment, a sense of maybe changing someone’s life, helping them to get to their goal.

RON: I get to my goal every other week, watching the football, ha, ha, ha.

CRUM: Oh, Ron, what humour you show. You are so witty. You’re about as funny as the roof collapsing.

RON: Watch it, lady; don’t push old Ron too far. I’m an easygoing bloke, but enough’s enough.

CRUM: That’s right, Ron, and that’s why I want to get away.

RON: You could have got away years ago.

CRUM: The children that was why I stayed Ron, for the children. Fat lot of use you were most of the time they were in school. You were out every night, half of Sunday.

RON: I did my fair share, can’t argue with that.

CRUM: Come on, Ron, who are you kidding? Okay, I’ll give it to you that you didn’t hit them, or even get angry with them that often, but you weren’t there. Children need a father, and a mother, and half the time you just weren’t around. When did you sit down and help them with their homework, or take them out?

RON: I brought them to the football many times, and the cricket.

CRUM: I give up. I mean, when did you take them anywhere a bit interesting, good for their education, different places? Anyway, they’re with their own families now, and happy, that’s the important thing.

RON: And too busy to come and see me.

CRUM: They hardly know you. Of course they’re busy, with two young children each, and work, and trying to get on the housing ladder, of course they’re busy. Why don’t you go and see them?

RON: I have. I went, oh, when was it, about a year ago.

CRUM: Yes, when was it? About a year ago, and you went on a day return. I know Mike’s two are a bit young to recognise people at the moment, but Joanna’s youngest, the last time I went, a few weeks ago, asked me ‘Who is that?’ when I showed her a photograph of you in the garden. Mind, you were asleep in the chair.

RON: It’s quite far, I mean, a man can’t spend the rest of his life sitting on a bus visiting family.

CRUM: This is Cambridge. Mike is in Worcester, less than an hour from Birmingham. There are loads of buses every day between here and Birmingham. And Joanna is only a little further on in Hereford. To be honest, we should sell this place and move over there.

RON: What? You want me to sell this place, my home for thirty odd years?

CRUM: No, Ron, I don’t want you to sell it, I want us to sell it, our home for thirty years.

RON: No way. I’m not leaving here. This is where I belong. All my mates are around here. I know the place. I was born around here. I’m a son of the soil. I’m a Fen Man, I am. No way. You want to go, go. I’m happy here.

CRUM: You’ve always thought of no one but yourself, a selfish narrow- minded man, couldn’t care less about others, self-centred is the word for you. My goodness, Ron, take a look at what you’ve got, and what’s missing.

RON: Get this into your brain, Mrs High and Mighty Crum; I have everything a man could want here, my house, my mates, the football, the cricket, the garden, my mates, etc. I could go on and on.

CRUM: You said ‘my mates’ twice; must be important.

RON: Yeah, that’s right. And good rail and road links to. I can go anywhere. If I want to get to Scotland or the north of England, down to London, theatre or concert or something, I can do it no problem.

CRUM: You don’t know how bloody stupid you sound. Pop up to Scotland? You last went there how many years ago, twenty? You go to a concert? You want to go to the theatre in London? What a farce. The man’s a farce and his life’s a farce. There’s the Arts Theatre ten minutes on the bus from here, and you’ve entered the place twice since our marriage. The nearest thing to a concert you go to is listening to your pub buddies singing after closing time. And talk of the theatre? Well, you might have a point there, since most of your life is a theatre, a farce, and watching you and your mates after you’ve had a few is theatre of a sort. A comedy, a comedy of -
Hits her, she falls down

RON: I’m off. Make sure the meal’s hot when I get back.

CRUM: Thank you, Ron. Thank you.

Ron exit

Picks up phone

CRUM: Oh, it’s me again, Mrs Crum. About that break in Spain I was talking about. Yes, I have decided to take a longer break, I want something like they used to offer some years ago, a few months in the off peak, yes, that’s right. I don’t mind that. Three months? Beginning when? Oh, next week. No, too early, I'm thinking of the winter here. Yes, that sounds just the thing. Listen, I’ll pop in the next day or two, maybe this afternoon, yes, I’ll come round this afternoon, and then I can have a look at what you’ve got. Right, thank you for your help, see you later. Bye.

Crum puts on the music, half minute, music out, light out, curtain


Act 2 scene 2

At rise; in the office in May, the following year, different decor, lighting, new furniture, arrangement, Ron’s picture gone, extra plants, new carpet etc, Pam working, Ron enter.

RON: Hey, baby, how are you? Remember me?

PAM: I beg your pardon! No, who on earth are… oh yes, Ron. It would be nice if you were to knock on the door.

RON: I don’t need to; I used to work here, or have you forgotten. This is home from home for me.

PAM: But you don’t work here now; it’s a matter of manners to knock when you enter an office.

RON: Oh, you worry too much.

PAM: Oh, um, how are you?

RON: Of course darling, old fun time Ron. Yeah, I’m fine, right as rain, keeping happy in my retirement. I thought I’d just pop in to see you. Come on, a quick kiss for old Ron?

PAM: No thanks, Ron. Come on, keep away. Er, keeping busy?

RON: Yeah, can’t find enough time; what with the gardening, the cricket, soccer of course, the social life at the pub. I don’t know how I made time for it before my retirement. I went to see a game the other week, had a really good time with the lads, had a few jars afterwards in Peterborough, yeah, fantastic time. It was raining, but the company made up for it. It was a good game, even though we lost. We won’t get promoted this season, but at least there’s no relegation, and that’s the important thing. We hired a mini-bus, really good time. We found a place that sold beef rolls with two slices of beef in them, and they only cost one pound fifty each. They make their own mustard too, really good place, nice bunch of lads in there, too. We had a really good time.

PAM: It sounds wonderful, with rain, mustard, a minibus full of people like you, talking about football. What a happy life you have, Ron.

Carries on with work

RON: Oh, yeah, it’s brilliant. Then last weekend, I went to watch the cricket, Somerset I think or Gloucestershire, with our group from the pub, we spent most of the time by the beer tent, enjoying the sun and the booze. We had a brilliant time, makes retirement so interesting.

PAM: Yes, it would seem so, for you anyway. We had a brilliant time too, on the course near Brighton last August. We got to go to France for an overnight trip, too. But bouncing round the football Fens in the rain of a late spring in a minibus must be better, I’m sure, Ron. No doubt your ‘mates’ are better company too.

RON: Yeah, you got a point there, Pam. It’s perceptive of you to think like that. I think on reflection that you might be right. The problem with France is that they speak French.

PAM: That seems quite logical; it is their language.

RON: Yeah, but it’s difficult to speak, isn’t it?

PAM: You don’t know any French then, is that the case?

RON: No, I know a little, enough to get by. Bonjour is good morning, merci is goodbye –

PAM: Goodbye? No, thank you.

RON: No, I’m not going yet; I want to talk to Mr Way and Mrs Brown.

PAM: No, I meant merci is thank you, in French.

RON: Oh, yeah, that’s what I said, didn’t I? That’s what I meant. Um, let me think, oh, bière is beer, and toilette is toilet. That’s enough for most things, enough to get by.

PAM: Yes Ron. Oh well, I must be getting on; nice to see you again.

Pause, Ron not wanting to go

RON: The place looks different now, I see you’ve had the walls painted, and some new furniture, not as nice as before, if you ask me. Thought the old style had more class.

PAM: Well, that’s your opinion. The rest of us like it though.

RON: Where’s my picture? And where are my plants?

PAM: There they are.

RON: They’re much bigger. Are you sure they’re the same ones. I dunno how many there were now.

PAM: Yes, of course they are. They’re bigger because we’ve taken proper care of them.

RON: On. Hey, where’s the picture, though?

PAM: What picture?

RON: You know, the picture I had framed, put up there. I drew it myself. The one with you lot topless; you haven’t forgotten already, have you?

PAM: Oh, that. No, I haven’t – we haven’t – forgotten. Not in very good taste, was it, Ron?

RON: Come off it; it was harmless fun. There’s nothing wrong with that.

PAM: Maybe not to you, but other people have a different sense of what might be right and what’s wrong.

RON: Where is it now, though? It’s a masterpiece of art.

PAM: I’m not sure. Maybe it’s in one of the other offices, I’m not sure.

RON: Oh.

Phone ringing, Pam answer, gets up to go.

PAM: Excuse me, Ron; I’ve a meeting now, with Mr Way. Nice talking to you again. I’ll show you out. Bye.

RON: Oh, how’s he keeping, and Mr Smith and er, Mrs Brown?

PAM: They’re fine; Mr Smith is now in HQ in London. I must be going, Ron, there’s a lot to do. Bye.

RON: Yeah. Is there any chance of meeting them is it?

PAM: I don’t know. I must be off. Work to do. I’ll let Mr Way know you’re here. Bye.

Pam exit

RON: Yeah, nice talking to you too. Come in to see them, what do I get. She didn’t like me from the start. Not high class enough for her, stupid little woman. France, who wants to go there?

May enters, reading note, file,

MAY: Excuse me. What are you doing in the office? Can I help you?

RON: It’s me, your favourite retiree, Ron the Laugh. Hullo, sweetheart.

MAY: Oh, it’s you again.

RON: Yes, darling, that’s me, good old Ron. It is lovely to see you again. How are you, May, my dear?
Tries to put arm round her

RON: Come on; tell the truth, have you missed me? How have you managed with out good old Ron to give you a hand now and then?

MAY: Fine, just fine. You, er, take a chair there. That’s right. Um, me, well, I went on a course in Jersey for three weeks; that was the end of last year, so now I handle some of the financial work. Where’s my file? Ah, there we are. I have a meeting with one of our clients; I get to do some of the routine enquiries. It’s interesting. And I get nearly two thousand a month, can you imagine. I’m really happy. Anyway, I have to rush. Take care. Bye. Oh, I’m off to Spain for a couple of weeks this coming July, so I’m …
Phone rings, May answers.

MAY: cont Right, that’s fine. Right. Goodbye now, Sir William. I’ll see you next Thursday. Goodbye.

RON: Who’s Sir William?

MAY: Oh, my husband, of course.

RON: You married? You’re joking. He’s a knight? You’re joking!

MAY: Of course I am.

RON: Who’s Sir William then? Come from round here? I don’t know anyone called Sir William.

MAY: No, Sir William is one of our clients. But that’s all I can, and will, tell you. I must be off. I have a meeting with someone in the city, and I have to prepare for that, now.

RON: Hey, hold on a minute. Is there any chance of seeing Mr Way, just a few minutes?

MAY: I don’t know; I’ll speak to Mrs Brown down the corridor.

RON: I’ll pop along there myself, no problem.

MAY: No, please, you wait there. We don’t have people just barging in on important meetings with clients. Just take a seat.

RON: Come on, I used to work here.

MAY: Just sit down please, Ron. I have more important things than to waste time here.

RON: Oh, it’s like that, is it? Okay, I’ll take a seat and wait my turn. Oh, when did you begin doing this kind of work?

MAY: I don’t know. It was a long time ago. When did you finish work here? A few years ago, wasn’t it?

RON: Come on, you can’t have forgotten that quickly. No, it was last August, about eight months ago.

MAY: Oh, how time flies. Anyway, Ron, I must be off. I have work to do, you know. I can’t hang around all the day. I must go. Bye.

RON: Hey, where’s my picture?

MAY: What picture are you talking about?

RON: You know; the one with the four of you gorgeous women…

MAY: Oh, of course, the coarse one. We threw it out; the Monday after you left. Or maybe it was the afternoon of the Friday you left.

RON: You’re joking. It was hours in the making, and I paid 25 pounds to get it framed for you. Oh, thanks very much.

MAY: You’re welcome. Ron, you have a very odd way of thinking. What to you is okay… oh, I must go. I have work to catch up on. Cheerio. Oh, yes, I’m off to Spain in a few weeks time, for about ten days. I’m going to pop in on Chloe, bunk down with her for a few days. Super little place she’s got, ten minutes from the beach, so a bit cheaper; it’s got two small bedrooms, and a lounge facing the farming area nearby, there are fig and lemon trees, brilliant sunsets, cafes nearby, etc. It’s a smashing place, and I know she is so happy there. There’s so much to do in the town, the weather’s gorgeous, the nightlife well, you know what nightlife there is like, I’m sure. I’m keeping some of my salary to buy a small place nearby. This will be my second time there. I went for a few days back in March. It was nice weather even then.

RON: Hold on a minute, who’s Chloe?

MAY: Her full name is Patricia Chloe Crum…you knew her for nearly forty years, about that; she’s your wife, Ron, that’s who she is. Or maybe was, if the papers have come back. Bye, Ron, nice to see you again.

RON: Hey, hold on. Why Chloe; I haven’t heard her use that before?

MAY: A new life, a new beginning, a new name…

RON: Oh…

MAY: Goodbye.

Exit

RON: Cheerio. Yes, bugger you, lady. Chloe? What does she mean by a new life and a new beginning, and a place in the sun? Where did she get the money? That’s nice. That is very nice. How can that little squeak get so much money? That’s over twice what I was getting…how old is she, twenty-two, twenty-three? Then she is taking home that much for typing a couple of letters a week. That’s not right; it’s not fair. The years of labour I gave this place, and they pay her that much?

Mrs Brown enter, forced welcome

MRS BROWN: Good morning Ron, how are you keeping?

RON: Oh, er, there you are. Good morning Mrs Brown, you’re looking well, as pretty as ever.

MRS BROWN: Oh, thank you. Are you sure you’re okay? You look quite confused at the moment.

RON: No, I’m, er, fine, um, okay, yeah, um, er, yeah just fine, okay. I’m okay.

MRS BROWN: That’s good, then. Er, what are you doing here?

RON: Oh, I just popped in to have chat, see the place, make sure it’s okay, you know what I mean. Ha, change of décor etc. It doesn’t look the same.

MRS BROWN: No, a place doesn’t look the same after new paint and furniture. That’s the whole reason for it.

Ron tries to kiss Mrs Brown

RON: Oh, yeah, Oh, Mrs Brown, my goodness, I like your hair. Those legs are looking good too, Mrs Brown. You could have made it on the catwalk with your figure, no doubt about it, Mrs Brown. I talk being a man of the world, and something of an expert, indeed, many would argue, in my mind they are correct, a connoisseur of the feminine physique, there is no doubt in my mind that you –

MRS BROWN: Ron, please, this is the office.

RON: Yeah, I suppose so, right. But if you’re ever free for lunch and a chat one day, maybe we could get together…

BROWN: Thank you, Ron, do you mind? I have so much work at the moment I seldom get out for lunch, but maybe some other time; anyway, how about you? Er, keeping busy?

RON: Oh yes, not a spare minute, in fact, wasn’t sure if I could get down here today. Talk about being busy. Go down to watch the football, go and see some local games, and a few of the away fixtures, if they’re not too far. I’m with the lads down the pub, good crowd there, nice fellows, always good for a laugh, you know. We went to watch the football the other weekend.
We hired a mini-bus, really good time. We found a place that sold beef rolls with two slices of beef in them, and they only cost one pound fifty each. They make their own mustard too, really good place, nice bunch of lads in there, too. We had a really good time.

MRS BROWN: Yes, I can imagine.

RON: I went to watch, well, a group of us from the pub went to watch the cricket two days ago, wonderful time. One of the early games, the University against some other team, forgot what it was now, Somerset or Gloucestershire, one of those West Country teams. My mates and I spent the afternoon by the beer tent, brilliant time. I think it was one of them. Then there’s the pub; I’m in one of the darts teams now; in fact, when there was that outbreak of flu, a couple of months back, I played a couple of times for the first team. That’s tough, that is. We played against a pub from somewhere, I forget where now, north of the city I think, they came down to us, you see, and they were a class outfit, no doubt about that; some of their players were England international class, they were, hard as nails, tough as old boots. They could hit the board, treble every time. Quite brilliant, electrifying at times, I must admit, even though they hammered us, one of the games of the season, it was, poetry in motion, if you know what I mean.
MRS BROWN: No, not really, I’m not much of a pub person, and I don’t play darts. In fact, I don’t know anyone who does play darts. But it certainly sounds ever so exciting.

RON: Oh, yes. You could take it up, a woman of your age, your physique, you’ve got the body for it, those firm legs etc. You’re what, late 50’s I think and it should be -

MRS BROWN: I’m forty-four. Yes, Ron, so you’re enjoying an exciting retirement, that’s good, I’m happy for you.

RON: Oh, yes, Mrs Brown, there’s nothing like being retired, you know.

BROWN: Good, you’re enjoying yourself, how's the gardening? You got a book from us, didn’t you? I hope you are finding it useful.

RON: A book? Oh, yes, that book. I’m always reading it. Fascinating, it is.

BROWN: I thought the chapter on cacti was wonderful. I hadn’t realises there were some many varieties. Did you know that?

RON: Cacti? What’s that? Oh, you mean cactus, the prickly things. Oh, yes, the chapter on cactuses was brilliant, oh yes, brilliant.

BROWN: Yes, I like gardening myself. What, um, flowers have you put in this year?

RON: Er, this year? Um, I think there are some, forgotten the name now, big one, name escapes me. Is it Marigold? Anyway, er, your husband is watching much cricket at the moment, go down and see Essex?

BROWN: Yes, he enjoys the game. He’s a member of Essex, on the committee if I’m not mistaken.

RON: Oh. Oh, what’s happened to my picture and my plants? I can’t see them anywhere.

BROWN: Picture? What picture? I don’t know of any picture.

RON: The picture I drew before I left, had it framed too.

BROWN: Oh, that thing. Oh, I think it was mislaid when we were redecorating the office, or maybe Mr Smith brought it along to London when he transferred there. Oh, my goodness, look at the time! I have to make a move, so much work to get through these days. Oh, before I go, how is Mrs Crum these days? I know she went to Spain. Are you not going to join her? Nice apartment she got, so it seems.

RON: Apartment? What apartment?

MRS BROWN: The apartment she bought near Almeria. You must know about it?

RON: Oh, oh, yes, of course, yeah, that apartment. Um, nice, I think.

BROWN: She’s happy there?

RON: She’s okay, I think. Yes, she’s fine. Um, she went to Spain, that’s right; she spends most of her time there, yeah, most of her time there.

BROWN: Well, she would if she retired there, wouldn’t she?

RON: She retired there? Oh, of course, I see what you mean.

BROWN: I just wondered why you are not there with her. You have such wonderful children; to dip into their pockets and pay the deposit for her, and the first few months’ repayment. They are so kind, so nice of them.

RON: Oh, yes, they are. Yeah, oh, that’s nice of them. Yeah, nice.

MRS BROWN: When are you going there?

RON: Oh, maybe get down there later in the year; too many things to do at the moment. Anyway, that’s enough about me. You’d better get going. Um, any chance of getting to Mr Way?

BROWN: I think he’s busy at the moment, very busy.

RON: I just want to have quick chat…?

BROWN: Oh alright, I'll try. Oh, have you used your tickets to the National Trust places, the year’s free entry? The ticket, the free pass for the National Trust…

RON: Ticket? Oh, that. Um, not yet, I was thinking of going next week, yeah, next week. I’m just so busy with other things at the moment.

MRS BROWN: Yes, of course. Where are you going?

RON Er, I don’t know yet, Maybe somewhere in London, yeah, um, London. Yeah, I think maybe London.

MRS BROWN: That’s good to hear. Anyway, let’s see if Mr Way is free. He’s so busy these days, only a handful of us here now. Right. Well, goodbye then, Ron. Give my regards to Mrs Crum, I mean Chloe. She’s a dear; everyone loves her. We’re going, that is, my husband and I, are going to see her in September, when he’s got some time off. And I too, must be off. Goodbye, Ron.

Mrs Brown exit

RON: Yeah, er, yeah, er, goodbye. Thanks, darling. Yeah, it’s nice to see you, too. Bloody liar; you know what happened to my picture. National bloody Trust; who wants to see some stupid old building?
Way enter

WAY: Ah, Ron Thumb, isn’t it? How nice to see you again.

RON: Good morning, Mr Way, it’s Crum, Mr Way, Crum.

WAY: Of course, Ron Crum. Thumb? Why was I thinking of Thumb? Ah, Mr Thumb, the butcher. Yes, we were talking yesterday about the cricket. He’s very knowledgeable about the game, ah ha, ha, ha, knowledgeable about the game. Do you get it, Ron?

RON: Ah, Mr Way, what are you talking about?

WAY: Ron, I said he is knowledgeable about the game. I meant the cricket, but he’s also knowledgeable about the game - game birds, partridge etc. You get it now? Ha, ha.

RON: Oh, yeah, Mr Way, I get it. Ha, ha, that’s really funny, Mr Way.

WAY: Where was I? Oh, yes, I bought some wonderful breast of lamb, from Mr Thumb, absolutely marvellous, Mrs Way is going to cook it for a dinner tomorrow. I think we’re going to roast it, then have it with some fresh vegetables straight from the market. Oh, yes, it should be wonderful. She is an excellent cook. We love lamb. Are you into cooking, Ron?

RON: I get to do a bit now and again, you know what I mean.

WAY: What sort of things do you cook?

RON: Well, to be honest, I don’t really have that much free time now, too many other things to get into the day. There’s the pub committee, going to the football, you know…

WAY: Oh, I see. Yes, you seem to be having an interesting time.

RON: Oh, yeah, that’s for sure. Anyway, Mr Way, how are you?

WAY: Yes, good old Ron. I’m keeping well, good. Busy at the moment, Mr Smith is now in London, so it’s really just Mrs Brown and me, and the girls. Mr Smith got promoted after his effort in Gatwick, last August; that went down very well. We had a wonderful time, absolutely wonderful. They threw in an overnight trip to northern France, and what beautiful weather. We spent the night in a beautiful auberge; magnificent food, superb atmosphere, just the thing to unwind with after a hectic, though very interesting and informative conference. We get on well together too, and we had such a pleasant time there. Oh, yes, what a time. The ferry going across, through the warm Channel air, and of course, our duty free on the way back! Were you there?

RON: No.

WAY: Where were you then?

RON: You know, enjoying my retirement. You can’t have forgotten so soon.

WAY: Of course. Yes, that’s right. Your farewell party, couldn’t forget that, could I? None of us can.

RON: Good, was it? Forgotten now. Oh, yeah, yeah, it’s coming back. Oh, yeah, They don’t know what happened to my picture. It’s not here.

WAY: That’s right. Well, it’s time I got back to work. It’s only a handful of us now, Mrs Brown, me, and the girls. They’re wonderful; don’t know what I’d do without them. I don’t know what we’d do without them. They went on different training courses over the winter, so they’re getting quite a bit of an increase. Business is good, and we had record profit last year. Good bonuses, if you know what I mean. My wife and I went for couple of weeks to east Africa in January. We’re thinking of moving; the children have left home, so why keep a five bedroom place here, when we can pick up a nice three bedroom apartment for 400, 000. It’s quite a good price. June and her husband are buying a bigger place up in the north of the county, very nice, open country etc; Pam and her husband have got a four bedroom ‘little pad’, ha, ha, near the city centre, so they’re happy, and even young May – oh, what a quick learner she is, a real bonus for the office, which is why we gave her a good bonus too, ha, ha, - she’s got herself a little two bedroom apartment out to the west of the city. Mrs Brown is remaining where she is of course, I mean, who would move from that area? They’ve spent quite a bit on the weekend retreat up in Northamptonshire. I went there for lunch the other weekend, very, very nice. What about you, Ron? Are you still in the same place by the jam factory?

RON: Oh, yeah, nice little place.

WAY: Oh, little is the word, two up, two down, but adequate for a certain type of person, like you for example, always out watching the football, cricket, playing with the pigeons, enjoying the garden etc. Why would you need a big place?

RON: Yeah, of course.

WAY: Your place though has one advantage.

RON: What’s that?

WAY: Well, you are near the jam factory; when you’re having breakfast, you can hold your toast up in the air, and it smells of strawberry jam. Ha, ha, ha.

RON: Oh, yes, Mr Way, that’s a good one. Ha, ha, ha.

WAY: But the girls work so hard. But they’re happy. They are on a new salary scale now, so their earnings have gone up quite a bit, and I must admit they earn every penny. Pam went to Morocco over the New Year. May’s off with some pals to Spain, next month I think.

RON: Yeah, May told me.

WAY: The firm has had a good year. You, er, follow the markets, I mean, now you’re retired, you’ve plenty of time for that…?

RON: No, not really, I’m. I’m, I got too many other things to do, I suppose.

WAY: Yes, I suppose you are. What are you doing with yourself, then, keeping active?

RON: Oh yes, that’s the word. There’s not a free moment. I went to watch the football about a month ago, end of the season game, Boxy’s last game for club, it was quite emotional, oh yeah, went there with the lads, good bunch from the pub, end of the season, top class game. Pity we lost, but had a few jars after the game. What else? Oh, saw some cricket last weekend, the University against Somerset. Or was it Gloucestershire? Not sure, it was one of those West Country teams. Good game, though. Went there with the lads, had a smashing time, nothing like a few jars watching cricket in warm weather. Nice cheese and tomato buns they got there, one pound each, yeah.

WAY: Yes, Gloucestershire. I went there myself.

RON: Oh, I didn’t see you. Where were you?

WAY: Yes, I was in the members’ enclosure. A pal of mine in another firm got me in. Splendid food; there was prawn, roast chicken, crab, and champagne, a quite superb buffet. Oh, what a day out, and the cricket was good too, pity about the bloody idiots by the beer tent. You always find a small bunch of fools who try to spoil it; morons like that shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a cricket club. Oh, yes. What else are you up to? How’s the gardening?

RON: Oh, yeah, good, the garden’s looking good. It’s quite a nice time of year.

WAY: And Mrs Crum, how is she keeping? I heard she’s settled in Spain.

RON: Yeah, that’s right. Er, how did you know about that? Everyone here knows about it. Funny; I thought only a few of the lads knew that.

WAY: Oh, she sent us a postcard just before Christmas I think it was. She seems very contented there, pleased with the results of the operation, too.

RON: Operation?

WAY: Yes, the operation on her hip. You seem puzzled?

RON: Oh, yeah, of course, that operation. Yes, yes, er, that was, good, yeah.

WAY: She’s keeping well, it seems. She’s teaching English part-time in a language school next to the Mediterranean. Are you not going to join her?

RON: Yes, she’s fine, couldn’t be better. Maybe get out there when I get all the odds and ends tied up. So much to do, you know.

WAY: Of course. Can you speak any Spanish?

RON: I’m not fluent yet, but get by; you know, order a beer, paella, where’s the beach etc, stuff like that.

WAY: That’s a beginning, at least. Um, well, good to know you’re keeping yourself occupied. You don’t want waste time, at your age, ha!

RON: That’s true! Anyway, Mr Way must make a move, there’s a full afternoon ahead of me today, you know. I think I must make a move, nice to see you all again, Take care.

WAY: Right, must be off myself, Goodbye, Reg, er Ron. Keep getting you confused with the landscape chap, silly me! Sorry. Take care. You know the way out. Bye.

RON: Yeah, thanks, Mr Way.

Way exit

RON: Yeah, the way out, the way out. You know the way out, Ron Crum, you know the way out. What a joke coming here; why do you make a fool of yourself, why? You should have known what would happen. You know they don’t like you, a couple of them hate your guts, mate. There’s no denying that. They hate you; get it into your thick brain. Oh, I need a drink. Yeah, a drink, or two; it’s the only way I get through things, the only way I get through life, I suppose. The others are like you too, no hopers, losers, drifting through the misery of life in this wretched place. I tell them it’s fine, but they don’t think I’m being honest. I’m sure they don’t. It’s just a game, a long, big, stupid, boring game, getting one lousy week through just to come back again for another. Ron Crum, big time man of total uselessness; what have I done with my life, and what do I have to show for it? You got eighty magnificent pounds per week from the Mighty Government, with about ninety pounds from the company here. I got a small house, two up, two down; Mr Way here is talking about, what was it, a four hundred thousand pound place. What a bloody joke, the have and have not crowd. The others too; they must be dripping money. Thirty eight years, and what do I get? You know the answer, Ron, old boy. Yeah, you are an old boy now, too. Come on, let’s go and try to find the lads; at least with them, you can forget, even if it’s just for a few hours, No wonder people in this country drink; it’s no wonder the young are hitting the drug scene. I don’t blame them. You work, work, work, and the bloody government takes most of it back. Your company couldn’t care less; the bosses get the big money. Oh, the members’ enclosure, champagne, crabs, etc. How the heck can I afford things like that? Come on, let’s go. Get out of here once and for all, yeah, get out of here.

Exit, light out, music Bruch ‘Swedish dance in F minor’ 45 sec


Pam by desk, June enter

PAM: Good morning, June.

JUNE: Good morning, Pam. How are you this morning?

PAM: I’m okay, thank you, and you?

JUNE: Right as rain.

PAM: It might, too.

JUNE: What might?

PAM: It might rain.

JUNE: Yes, you might be right, Pam. It’s typical of the English weather. One minute fine, the next, it’s bucketing down, or freezing.

PAM: Or both.

Ron enter

PAM: Good morning, Mr Crum.

JUNE: Good morning, Mr Crum.

RON: Oh, good morning, you two, how are things? Are you keeping well?

JUNE: Yes, thank you.

PAM: Oh, fine; and you?

RON: Yes, thank you, very well. It’s quite nice at the moment, but…anyway, we’ll wait and see how the weather turns out…yes, sunny now…

PAM: How was Guernsey?

RON: Rather nice, thank you. We had some beautiful spring weather, a fine hotel overlooking the bay, and some excellent seafood restaurants. It was a most pleasant trip, and of course we finalised the new contract, too. Yes, a most successful weekend, and a nice one, too.

Smith, May enter

SMITH: Good morning, Mr Crum. How was your trip?

RON: Fine, thank you, Arthur. How was your weekend? You enjoy the cricket?

SMITH: Yes, thank you, Mr Crum, we won the one I was watching, and lost the one I was playing in.

RON: Good, that sounds about right. Did you manage to get into double figures?

PAM: Ha!

SMITH: Yes, that I did. Yes, an impressive innings this time.

Pause

JUNE: Well?

SMITH: Well what?

RON: I think that June is trying to find out your score.

SMITH: Oh, my score…

PAM: Yes, how many?

SMITH: Well… I…they were a very good team, they came second in last season’s league, and third place in the cup –

Phone ringing, Pam answer

PAM: How many?

RON: Well, Arthur…?

SMITH: Fourteen. But they were –

JUNE: Ha, ha. Well done, Mr Smith; It’s a bit better than last week; what was it, 1 or did you manage to get 2?

SMITH: I’m not sure. I think I got about, um, let me think…

PAM: Oh dear, Mr Smith. You’re working with all these complicated figures and a cricket score baffles you! Oh…

RON: I expect they had a few ex test players in their team, did they?

SMITH: Yes, maybe…

May enter

MAY: Hiya, everyone!

PAM, JUNE, SMITH: Good morning.

RON: Oh, and a very good morning to young May. How are you?

MAY: Good morning, Mr Crum. How’s it going?

RON: I beg your pardon, May? I didn’t quite catch that.

MAY: I’m sorry, Mr Crum. How are things today, sir?

RON: Thank you, May. One thing you must learn in international finance that there are certain ways of doing things with certain people. I hope I make myself clear.

MAY: Yes, Mr Crum, sir.

RON: May, the ‘sir’ isn’t necessary, okay? Where’s Way? He should be in by now.

SMITH: He’s just parking his bicycle, Mr Crum. I saw him as I came in.

MAY: Yeah, that’s right, Mr Crum.

RON: Thank you, May; I am quite capable of getting the gist of Arthur, er, Mr Smith’s remark. I don’t need you, or anyone else, to repeat it. It’s ‘yes’, not ‘yeah’.
Brown enter

MAY: Yes, Mr Crum.

RON: He’s the only man I know who takes half an hour to park a bike.

PAM: Oh, Mr Crum!

JUNE: Oh, that’s very witty!

Laugh

BROWN: Good morning, Perry, good morning everyone. Oh, did you have nice trip?

RON: Good morning, Amanda. Yes, thank you. I’ll fill you in on the matter in my office. Arthur, I want the overnight figures from the Far East. Ten minutes, okay?

SMITH: Right away, Mr Crum.

RON: Pam, a couple of minutes, then there are a few letters in need typing.

PAM: Yes, Mr Crum.

RON: June, I need you to go over to the bank; there are some papers that I need to sign. Speak to Mr Jones, the manager, and then get back here. Oh, finish your tea first, my dear.

JUNE: Thank you, Mr Crum. I’ll get back as soon as I can.

Way enter

WAY: Good morning, you lovely people; how are we this morning? It’s a beautiful day, oh, yes, yes, yes, where’s snobby Ronnie this morning? Is he back – I beg your pardon; I didn’t know you were back, Mr Crum.

Quiet, Ron long look at Way

RON: Three things, Mr Way; one, you’re not paid to know where I am.

laughing
Two, I’m not surprised to know that you didn’t know something.

laughing

RON: Three, you’re late. I expect you here the same time as everyone else. Is that clear?

WAY: Yes, Mr Crum, but I had a problem with the tyre of my bicycle. It needed some air –

RON: The tyre on your bicycle is of no interest to me, the others, or this company. I don’t pay you to fool around with a bicycle tyre first thing in the morning; I pay you to work, what little of it you do. To be blunt, you are here because of Mr Tonge, my predecessor, out of my respect for him. Predecessor means the person before me, in case you didn’t know.

MRS BROWN: Perry, I think that Mr Way is trying to –

RON: Amanda, my dear, you are an important member of this team. I like you, both as a person and as a professional.

MRS BROWN: Oh, thank you. I know that.

RON: I haven’t finished yet.

MRS BROWN: Oh, sorry.

RON: I require, and appreciate, your opinions about our work, especially your knowledge of the unit trusts market. I am not interested in your opinion about the tyre of Mr Way’s antique bicycle, is that clear.

MRS BROWN: Yes, Perry.

RON: It might be an idea if you were to buy yourself a new bicycle, Mr Way. It might give you less trouble than the pre World War One contraption you are using now.

WAY: It belonged to my grandfather, Mr Crum –

RON: I don’t care if it belonged to the King of England, George the fifth, Edward the eighth, or whoever it happened to be at the time. I want you in here, the same time as everyone, is that clear?

WAY: Yes, Mr Crum.

RON: Get that photocopy machine of yours warmed up; I have lot to do this morning.

SMITH: George the fifth.

RON: George the fifth?

SMITH: George the fifth.

RON: George the fifth? The King?

SMITH: That’s right!

RON: Oh, thank you, Professor Smith.

SMITH: You’re welcome!

PAM: What on earth are you two going on about? This is the verbal equivalent of two Japanese businessmen bowing to each other.

JUNE You sound like two parrots!

RON: Thank you, June. It’s nice of you to think of me like that.

MAY: I think June’s joking, Mr Crum.

MRS BROWN: I think Mr Crum knows that, May.

MAY: Oh.

PAM: May, you need time to get to know Mr Crum’s sense of humour. It’s quite dry from time to time.

MAY: Oh, yeah. I mean, yes. Yes, I think …

Phone ringing, June pick up

JUNE: Oh, one moment, I get him for you. Mr Crum, London office on the line.

RON: Thank you, June. Yes, good morning, Peregrine Crum here. Yes. Oh, good morning Lady Brigham. How are you keeping? Yes, uh huh, …Right…Ah, that’s a problem because both Mrs Brown… yes, Amanda, of course you know her, sorry… we’ll both be away on business the… she’s off to Singapore for three days, and I’m in, oh, somewhere… no, I’m not losing it, my dear, I just haven’t got my planning schedule in front of me, but it is that week. Oh, any chance of making it three? That’s wonderful. Thank you so much. I love you too. Don’t tell your husband. Bye.

WAY: What was that about?

JUNE: Mr Way!

PAM: You don’t ask Mr Crum that. Keep you mouth shut.

RON: What was that, Mr Way?

WAY: Nothing, I was just wondering what the phone call was about? Just curious, nothing, maybe…

RON: That’s right; it’s nothing. It’s nothing to do with you.

WAY: Ha, ha, Mr Crum, that’s a good answer, very witty, witty indeed, If I might –

SMITH: I wouldn’t.

WAY: Wouldn’t what?

SMITH: Go any further.

WAY: Oh, I get it. Keep my mouth –

JUNE: Tight.

PAM: Zip tight.

RON: Right, Lady Brigham has just offered me three tickets for Wimbledon. Now, I can’t go because I’m off on business, as is Amanda here, and Mr Smith will be tied up with preparing for a meeting with one African Agriculture Minister, coming in a couple of weeks time. Therefore, Pam, June, and May, would you be interested in a day out, centre court, good seats I am told, weather forecast is good that week…

PAM: Oh, yes!

JUNE: Thank you, thank you, thank you million times. Oh, wonderful, isn’t it?

MAY: Oh, that’s brilliant. Thank you, Mr Crum; you’re so kind, oh.

RON: It’s nothing; take the day off and enjoy.

WAY: I wouldn’t mind going?

RON: I’m sorry, Mr Way, old chap, but only three tickets, and they wouldn’t be keen on you wandering around there, in your usual wardrobe, half-toxic from beer etc. I must get into my office. Be there in ten minutes, Arthur and Pam, Amanda, a couple of minutes, please. Mr Way, can you imagine yourself at Wimbledon? Oh, no!

Way exit, angry

PAM: Mr Crum! You are awful! Oh, but right on, oh…!

RON: I suppose the men’s games would be alright, but the women’s matches, old Way would go berserk!

General laughter, Ron exit
Here, increasing laughter, half hysterical at end, halfway through, Ron enter, take chair, crying.
Brown, June, Pam, Smith, May, light dim, bright light on Ron.

MRS BROWN: Perry! Oh, my goodness me!

SMITH: Oh, Mr Crum, what wit! Almost as funny as me trying to play cricket!

PAM: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

JUNE: Oh, yes, I can imagine it. Ron at Wimbledon!

MAY: The Company would be proud of you. ‘Umpire: score 30-love. Ron: Yeah, I love you too!’

PAM: 30-love; yeah, I love you too!

JUNE: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

MAY: Scruffy wardrobe! Scruffy wardrobe! Scruffy wardrobe! Scruffy wardrobe!

PAM: 30-love; yeah, I love you too! 30-love; yeah, I love you too! 30- love; yeah, I love you too!
JUNE: Half toxic from beer! Half toxic from beer! Half toxic from beer! Half toxic from beer!

MAY: Usual wardrobe, toxic from beer! Usual wardrobe, toxic from beer! Usual wardrobe, toxic from beer!

Way enter, joining group, laughing

SMITH: 30-love, 30-love, 30-love, 30-love, 30-love, I love you too.

MRS BROWN: Ron at Wimbledon, Ron at Wimbledon, Ron at Wimbledon, Ron at Wimbledon, ha, ha, ha.

WAY: Ron, or is it Reg? Ron, or is it Reg? Ron, or is it Reg? Ron, or is it Reg? I did it my way! I did it my way! I did it my way! I did it my way! I did it my way!

PAM: Get drunk, touch the girls, get drunk, touch the girls, get drunk, touch the girls, get drunk, touch the girls, get drunk, touch the girls, Wimbledon, Police coming!

SMITH: Born loser, born loser, born loser, garden, newspaper, pigeon, cricket, garden, newspaper, pigeon, cricket.

MRS BROWN: I like football, football, football, Boxy, Boxy, Boxy, mustard, beef, mustard, beef, mustard, beef, boring, boring, boring, boring.

JUNE: 30-love, I love you too! 30-love, I love you too! 30-love, I love you too!

MAY: Binti, binti, binti, binti, binti.

WAY: National Trust? Ron go there? Ha, ha, ha. National Trust? Ron go there? Ha, ha, ha. National Trust? Ron go there? Ha, ha, ha. National Trust? Ron go there? Ha, ha, ha.

MAY: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Light out dim on Brown, Pam, June, Smith, May, one bright light on Ron,
light out, music, ‘Chant d’automne’, curtain.


The End