A play in one act
Richard Homer
© Richard Homer 2008
Cast of characters
Colonel Otak male, commander
Major Bouche male, the second in command
Captain Gorge male, biological/chemical warfare officer
Captain Walk male, transport officer
Captain Perut female, chief medical officer
Captain Darah male, supply officer
Corporal Main female, secretary
Corporal Tung stewardess
RSM Wira male, chief of security, tough, no nonsense
The Man 40-45, a physical wreck, but good natured, intelligent
Piano music
Opening 1 Clementi / Allegro 50”
Opening 2 Chopin / Mazurka in B flat 45”
Ending 3 Bonsor / Willie Wagglestick 1’
Orchestra
Centre Haydn / ‘Farewell’ Symphony No 45 last movement
The play takes place in what appears to be a command bunker in trench warfare. A war appears to be in progress. The man appears on stage and address the audience in the beginning, then again to address what appear to be members of an army unit.
At rise: In the command bunker
Room, three slit windows with bars, grills, left, metal door, phone on wall, filing cabinets
centre, table, chairs, overhead light, maps on rear wall, right, maps, bed, table, chair, phone, lamp
Lighting dull, dusty, faded appearance, lightning, soft explosions, bombs throughout
Colonel is by table, sleeping to music 50 seconds, Allegro by Clementi. The man enters, clean, smart, blazer, tie, gin and lime, happy, lighting cigar, looking audience, sitting edge table. He is slightly high.
Music out; man speaks slow, measured, clear, educated, long pause between each block.
MAN: Oh, what are we doing here? You, and you…and you… and you… and you; what are we doing here? No, let me rephrase that; what are ‘you’ doing here? I know what I am doing here. I am…talking to you. Why? I don’t know. I think I know, but I’m not that sure. Maybe I know, maybe I don’t know. But that’s not that important. I think it’s not that important, but…I don’t know. I don’t care, either. If you think it’s important, then for you, it’s important. But for me, it maybe not that important, but again it may be important. Right, why am I here? I don’t know. Yes, I do know. I am here because you and you…you…you…you…wan to watch me, here, right now, right now, here. You are watching me, wanting to know what I am doing. Well, you bunch, you flock, you pack, you…I can’t think of any other group word, you out there, looking at me, you intelligent people, I am…having…a…drink. Look, a glass here, in the glass my very own special mix of gin and lime. I put the gin in…then I add the lime…and I have my drink. That shows you how clever I am; in fact, it makes me appear …what are you looking at? Yes, you, the older gentleman there. Am I so interesting that you have to look at me for half the night? Huh. I have had the thought in my mind for a long, long, long time that most people are not too bright, and you sir, fit…the…bill…to…a…tee. That shut him up. No, it didn’t, but it made him look away. I wonder what type of music he listens to. You look like a harpsichord fellow to me, with a cup of warm herbal tea and a butterless cream cracker biscuit to pass the boring evening that follows you night in and night out. You probably play draughts by yourself. Charlton Heston played chess by himself, but he was one of the last people alive on Earth; he used to watch Charlie Chaplin films alone, too. ‘The Omega Man’; yes, that was it. I’d rather play chess with Charlton Heston than with someone like you. Am I right? Ha! Who cares?
Wander round, sipping the drink, touching furniture, looks up at audience again.
You up there, the young lady, yes, you blushing now that everyone is looking at you, what do you want with me? You want something from me, a burnt out wreck here, in full public opinion, ignorant of nothing and everything. Oh, nothing, she whispers in embarrassment, I have nothing better to do except look at you, sir. Well, I have a suggestion, young whispering embarrassed young lady. Why don’t you come to bed with me tonight? Oh, she’s going to run away…don’t go away. The rest of you, don’t laugh at her. I said don’t laugh at the poor girl, she’s young, and embarrassed in public, that she is. You can bring your companion. Oh, oh, she’s beginning to cringe too. You can take it in turns; one of you can talk to me, although looking at you, that might be quite a challenge, quite difficult, because intellectual stimulation, I think, is not your forté, but one might argue, is necessary for a good argumentative chat, and neither of you suggest that…but I might be wrong. What was I thinking? Oh yes, one of you can try to talk something approaching intelligence, whilst the other can massage my back. How is that? I think it’s quite fine, I think it is okay. Oh… I think…she’s not keen on…the plan. I don’t care. I don’t care. ‘I don’t know what’s up there, and I don’t really care’. Not my words; Dylan Thomas, who I think came from Swansea, somewhere near there, the wild western bit of Wales, talking there being a character in ‘Under Milk Wood’, whose name in have embarrassingly forgotten, having told you I am such an intelligent man. I did tell you that, didn’t I? It makes no difference. I am letting you know now. I forget things from time to time. Why? I don’t know. How do I know? Who do you think I am, some bloody psychologist, or is it a psychiatrist? I don’t know and I don’t really care. I love those words, I do, I love them. They’re the epitome of a couldn’t-care-less creature, out in the wilds…meaning half an hour from here in London, at least, I think I’m in London, but it doesn’t matter where I am, I can be anywhere, so long as…so long as…the weather is okay…
Drinks slow, enjoying
You, over there, you keep your eyes off me, I don’t like a man to gawk at me; you want to look at a man, then go elsewhere, boyo…I borrowed that from Dylan Thomas again, how cute, how clever…how open to a charge of plagiarism. Ha, I don’t think so, not these days. Years ago, maybe, but the work now is so well known, who cares now? I get uncomfortable when people like you, yes, you, the peanut butter breakfast man there, you look like a peanut butter breakfast twit to me. Oh, a la-di-dah mocking look. Oh, okay , and when I get uncomfortable, I get angry, and when I get angry, I get worked up, and I can lose control, I lose control like throwing something at you, or hitting you. Look at someone else. I don’t like people looking at me, no I don’t like people looking at me, can’t you get it? I don’t like people looking at me, as if there is something wrong with me, right? There is nothing wrong with me, looking, okay? A cheap word,
okay; but tonight, it will do, yes, it will do because I feel cheap, drinking a cheap drink in this cheap place being watched by a group of cheap people. Clear off, and stop looking at me. STOP LOOKING AT ME. I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE LOOK AT ME; THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, GET IT? NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, NOTHING WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEE… no, there is nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong… But there’s a lot wrong with you, and you, and you, and you and you, and the world, and in this country… but nothing with me. You ask the doctor, if you want. me, I don’t trust a doctor; I read somewhere, where I don’t know when, I don’t know, I read that the average doctor makes a thirty five per cent correct call when he…or she…makes a diagnosis. Right, you might think, that’s okay, but if you turn the figures around, then you get a worrying scenario. You get a figure of about seventy percent wrong, incorrect, unhelpful diagnoses, and then, ladies and gentlemen, is the main part of our problem. I am knackered now, tired and ready for bed, with a good night’s sleep. You too, should be going to bed, it’s late, and the theatre crew might have…I have no idea what they might do, or might have done, that’s up to them.
Walking slow away, light dim, drinking, signs of exhaustion
Cast enter dancing, slow, c 45 seconds, Mazurka by Chopin
There is big explosion, flames, noise, confusion through top window, cast flee. Colonel jerks awake, then goes back to half sleep, half upright in chair
Corporal Main enters, with files, reports etc, Corporal Tung follows, with jugs of tea and coffee, plates of bread, meat etc, lighting up
Colonel gets up, slowly, yawn
MAIN: Good morning, Sir. Are you awake yet?
TUNG: Good morning, Colonel, did you sleep well, Sir?
OTAK: Oh, morning, ladies. Not really, dozing I think. What’s the time now? Am I awake? I think I am, just about.
TUNG: It’s 5 am. It looks like it’s going to be another bad day.
OTAK: Oh, no, not again.
MAIN: Yes, Colonel, I think so too. I can feel it.
TUNG: The weather doesn’t help either; grim, grey, cold and wet.
OTAK: How about you two; did you get a decent night’s sleep, were there the usual disturbances? One doesn’t know how, when, why it going to happen.
MAIN: The same as you, Colonel, dozing off no end then, then being woken up for something or other.
OTAK: How about you?
TUNG: That’s it, Colonel, half off, then awake. I lie there dreaming, then I wake up and I’m not sure whether it’s happened or not. I end up confused; I just don’t know what’s going on…
MAIN: I get nightmares too; they’re horrible, full of violence, torture, imprisonment, the futile trying to escape, but the thing is, I don’t know how to escape, and frightening, is I don’t know where I’m trying to escape from.
OTAK: I know what you mean. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep for ages, maybe a year or more. But it’s the same for everyone. There’s some foolish comfort in that. Well, I suppose that’s not fair to talk like that; it must seem I’m wishing the same on the rest of the crew, but it’s far from that.
MAIN: I know what you mean, Colonel.
TUNG: It gets to you in the end; the exhaustion just builds up and up.
OTAK: I think it’s the accumulation of lack of sleep - in addition to the other things, of course - but I find these days I have a problem in even articulating just basic thoughts. I wasn’t like this, years ago.
TUNG: That’s right, Sir. We have worked together a long time, and I sometimes - no, I always - think back to years ago. We had a pretty good time then.
MAIN: It seems such a long time ago, when there was peace, happiness, and we were relaxed, enjoying life in general. Oh, those were good times, I agree.
OTAK: You’re right, of course. Now, we can’t even get a decent sleep.
I don’t know anyone who can sleep well these days. We’re having a hard time.
OTAK: That’s an understatement, but true. Oh, yet another day in the making.
TUNG: Here’s hoping it’s not too much of a disaster in the making.
OTAK: I second that, Corporal, yes, very much.
MAIN: Colonel, the meeting’s in about 20 minutes. The RSM’s outside, Sir.
OTAK: Good. Ask him to come in, Corporal Main.
MAIN: Yes, Sir.
Opens door, RSM enter
RSM Wira, the Colonel will see you now.
RSM: Thank you, Corporal Main.
OTAK: Thank you, Corporal. Ah, RSM Wira, good morning, good to see you.
RSM: Colonel, thank you, and good morning to you as well, Sir. How are you today?
OTAK: Not too bad. How are you?
RSM: Same as you, Sir; bloody awful, the same as usual.
OTAK: Some tea, I assume.
RSM: I never refuse, Sir, can’t live without it.
OTAK: That might soon be true, the way the war’s going.
RSM: What I like about you, Sir, is your sense of humour.
OTAK: Yes, I suppose I have to force it a bit. Come; sit down, Corporal, tea for the RSM, please.
TUNG: Yes, Sir, right away, Colonel.
Pour tea
RSM: Ah, thank you, that’s what I want first thing; nothing better than a good cup of tea to get the day underway.
TUNG: Did you sleep well, RSM? Pretty stupid question, I know. It’s force of habit. Not thinking straight anymore.
RSM: No, not that good; much the same as always these days.
TUNG: We’re the same too. Nobody’s quite right at the moment, are they, Colonel?
OTAK: Yes, you’re right, Corporal, it’s the same everywhere. What have you got this morning?
TUNG: Not much, Colonel, some coffee or tea, no more juice, sorry, some tinned fish, and biscuits at the moment, I’ll try later to get something more, Sir.
OTAK: That’s alright, Corporal. You’ve done a magnificent job in the circumstances. We appreciate what you’ve done for us. But the truth is, I don’t have that much of an appetite. I haven’t for quite some time now.
TUNG: I know what you mean. Thank you, Sir. With your permission, Colonel, I think I must get on with the rest of the preparation.
OTAK: Yes, quite, Corporal. Thank you.
Tung exit
OTAK: You too, Corporal Main. You have done another excellent job, not just for me, but the whole crew; my thanks to you.
MAIN: Thank you, Sir. That’s kind of you, Colonel.
Main exit
RSM: They’re a good pair, those two; they represent the finest aspects of our tradition. They are efficient, courteous, and they work hard all the time. It’s a pleasure to work with them.
OTAK: I agree with you 100%. I don’t know how we would manage without them.
RSM: It’s been hard these past few months, hasn’t it, Colonel?
OTAK: That’s an understatement! I’m getting fond of that word; it’s the second time I have used it this morning. Oh, understatement this, understatement that. I’m sick of it, quite literally. The war’s been going on now for nearly 10 years, and no let up from the enemy. I really didn’t expect it to have gone on so long; nor did anyone, I think.
RSM: Yes, Colonel. But don’t you think they would have tired of the fighting after so many years? The damage they cause, the suffering, the expense of the campaign and so on. It’s total relentless onslaught.
OTAK: I agree with you. In theory, yes, but they are rich, and well armed with the latest technology and equipment, and there is no shortage of recruits, unlike our situation. That’s why they can afford so many losses. Money goes a long way. Basically, they have enormous resources, we don’t. It’s the proverbial expression ‘one man against an army’.
RSM: I haven’t heard that expression before.
OTAK: No, I just made it up; you see what’s happening to my mind. I just come out with these things to try to cheer myself up a bit.
RSM: There’s no harm in that, Colonel. I think it’s a sensible strategy, to be honest. Psychological preparation, conditioning, call it what you will, is part of our makeup; it helps us to deal with reality, especially when that reality is pretty awful to contemplate.
OTAK: Yes, Sergeant Major, I agree with you on the last part. It is pretty awful.
Main enter
MAIN: The meeting’s in about ten minutes, Colonel.
OTAK: Right, thank you.
RSM Yes, Colonel. But how much more can we take, Sir? The message I’m getting loud and clear is that the troops are ready to fold; they simply can’t go on much longer. Combat fatigue, exhaustion, worn out; I don’t think the troops can take much more punishment. They are coming to the end of their tether; morale is the worst I have ever seen in all my years, Colonel.
OTAK sighs Nor me, I fear. Frankly speaking, things are not looking too good right now. And talking of right now, what have you got for me today, Corporal Main?
MAIN: Right, Colonel. Here are the dispatches from overnight, from all sectors. The top one is the most serious, the Biochemical Unit, Sir. More reports of gas attacks, poisoning the water, and so on. Captain Gorge is coming to the briefing later, Sir. There’ll be an update shortly. This one is from Dr Perut, on the medical situation of the troops, she’s on her way here, too, sir. The other reports are sector by sector, the north first. The meeting is in 10 minutes, Sir.
Otak read through quickly
OTAK: Thank you, Corporal Main. You’re very efficient. I’m fortunate to have someone as competent as you are, in these times.
MAIN: Thank you, Sir.
Main exit
OTAK: Oh, no. How depressing again; yet another morning with disaster, of chaos, of general despair. I think depression is setting in.
RSM: It seems like it, Colonel.
OTAK: The northern sector is under heavy bombardment, nothing new there. The same damage; well, that’s bloody stupid to make that remark. It something’s damaged, it can’t be damaged again in the same way, can it? Am I making any sense? Don’t answer.
RSM: Right, Colonel, I won’t answer, but the answer is yes. I think it’s yes, or maybe a ‘yes, maybe’… or something.
OTAK: You sound as coherent and alert as I am.
RSM: Birds of a feather etc.
OTAK: Where?
RSM: Where what?
OTAK: No, where are the birds?
RSM: What birds?
OTAK: The birds you just talked about.
RSM: I didn’t mention any birds.
OTAK: Yes, you did. Birds of a feather… then you stopped talking.
RSM: No, Colonel, I was referring to your comment about being coherent and alert; I was pointing out - correction, I was trying very hard to point out - that you and I were thinking along the same lines. Or rather, we weren’t alert and coherent.
OTAK: I don’t know what you are talking about.
RSM: Neither do I, Colonel.
OTAK: Is it important?
RSM: No.
OTAK: Okay… shall we move on?
RSM: Excellent thinking, Colonel.
OTAK: I haven’t seen many birds in recent times; they’ve the good sense to get out whilst the going’s good.
RSM: That’s right, Colonel. I think it might be a good idea to get back on track, sir.
OTAK: Yes, of course. We were wandering a bit there, I think.
RSM: You were.
OTAK: I beg your pardon; I didn’t catch that.
RSM: I was confirming that we were wandering off track a bit…
OTAK: Okay.
RSM: But now we’re trying to get back. The report there, Colonel; might be useful to have a quick glance through.
OTAK: Right. Central districts, more pressure being applied, supply routes contracting day by day, the south region being starved of supplies, that’s nothing new again, the south east, mobility severely restricted, well, we’ve known that for ages, and the south west getting worse by the week. HQ was informed of this many years ago, when, had they taken prompt action, many of these problems would not have become anywhere near so serious. You catch the problem in the beginning, and it makes things so much easier later on, but as usual, no-one wants to listen to the front line, or no-one cares. It’s the same old story; we don’t learn from our mistakes.
RSM: You’re right, Colonel. It is the same old story. Talk and talk and talk, but no one listens, let alone try to take action.
Tung enters
TUNG: Colonel, Major Bouche is here. Would you like him in now, sir?
OTAK: Thank you, Corporal, yes, please, send him in.
TUNG: Yes, sir. Major Bouche, the Colonel will see you now.
Bouche enter
BOUCHE: Morning, Corporal, morning, Sir. Oh, sorry, thought you were alone. Good morning to you too, RSM.
RSM: Morning, Major Bouche, how are you this morning?
BOUCHE: I suppose I’m as well as can be expected, RSM, not that good, but still managing to go on, at least for time being, but thank you for your concern. How are you keeping?
RSM: Much the same, Major, I imagine about the same as you.
OTAK: Right, François, take a seat. Good morning to you, too. How are things?
BOUCHE: To be honest, they’re pretty lousy, but that is nothing unusual. It’s much the same as everyday these past few years. Nothing’s getting better, that’s expected, of course. But in the past couple of days, things have gone down the hill in a worrying way. It’s gone too far this time; of that, I am sure.
RSM: Yes, Sir. I agree.
OTAK: You’re right; you’ve got your finger on the pulse, so to speak.
TUNG: Excuse me, Major, would you like tea or coffee?
BOUCHE: Ah, coffee for me, please, Corporal Tung. Never could get used to tea. Thank you.
TUNG: Sir.
Tung exit
OTAK: The others will be here soon, I have bad feeling about this, and it’s going to be much worse that anyone thinks. I just know it.
BOUCHE: Why is that?
OTAK: Don’t know, sort of gut feeling. I have had a brief look at the reports here, and they have nothing to be positive about. If the end does come, I hope it’s quick and clean for everyone here.
BOUCHE: I know what you mean. It’s the dragging out of things, waiting for the end, not wanting it, but not wanting the endless misery that comes with the waiting. I suppose it’s that little part of the human spirit that tells you, over and over again, to keep on trying, not to give up, not to surrender, the always ‘we can do it’ brigade. Although in our case now, the brigade is down to a company.
OTAK: Well, for someone who is so run down, you still seem to be quite eloquent.
Main enters
MAIN: Sir, Captain Gorge is here.
OTAK: Send him in, please. Right, it looks like they are coming in; we can try to make some sense of what is going on where, when, how and why; or something like that, sorry, I find it difficult to focus now.
MAIN: Sir. Come this way please, Doctor.
GORGE: Thank you, good morning, Corporal Main, good morning, Colonel, good morning, Major, good morning, RSM.
RSM: Good morning, Doctor.
BOUCHE: Doctor, morning to you, too.
OTAK: Good morning, Captain Gorge. Have a seat.
GORGE: Thank you, Sir.
RSM: Doctor, may I make a suggestion?
GORGE: By all means, RSM. What is it?
RSM: When you come in, why don’t you just greet everyone with ‘Good morning, everyone’, rather than string out a list; it would be a bit quicker. It’s just a suggestion. I’m not complaining, though. But it had occurred to me that if you were to address a squad of men, you’d spend half the morning on the greeting before beginning work.
GORGE: I see your point; I’ll bear that in mind. Thank you for trying to help me save energy.
OTAK: Maybe it’s the result of being a doctor; make the patient comfortable, chat away etc.
BOUCHE: I think the good doctor likes the sound of his own voice, don’t you agree?
OTAK: Yes, maybe, but maybe he suffers from oral narcissism.
BOUCHE: What on earth is that?
OTAK: He likes the sound of his own voice.
RSM: Is there such a thing?
MAIN: I think the Colonel’s making it up.
GORGE: Ah, Corporal, you might be right, but maybe I just like the sound of ‘good morning’.
Tung enter
TUNG: Good morning, Doctor, would you like tea or coffee?
GORGE: Coffee, please.
TUNG: There you are.
RSM: Where’s the ‘good morning’?
BOUCHE: Yes?
GORGE: I said ‘good morning’ to Corporal Tung before I came in
BOUCHE: In that case, why did you greet the doctor again, Corporal Tung?
TUNG: I heard him using it so many times to the rest of you; I thought I’d pick up the habit.
GORGE: Thank you, Corporal Tung for your attempt to copy me; you also make a fine cup of coffee, one of the pleasures of coming to a meeting here. Er, no disrespect intended, Gentlemen.
TUNG: Thank you, Doctor.
OTAK: There you are; the doctor only comes here for the coffee; and we all thought you liked us! Oh well -
GORGE: I do, Colonel, I really do -
RSM: Ah, doctor, you do like us, or you do come here for the coffee?
GORGE: You know what I mean.
BOUCHE I know what you mean, Doctor.
OTAK: You see, Corporal Tung, you’re the reason he comes here!
TUNG: I very flattered. Thank you, doctor. I’ll put in extra sugar for you next time. Get you an extra cup, too.
Tung exit
RSM: You see what a doctor’s sweet-talk with the women can do. Compliment them on the coffee, and he gets extra. I have to make do with half a spoon, too.
GORGE: Ah, RSM, the less sugar, the better for you. I know these things; I’m a doctor.
OTAK: Ah, listen to him; he can have it, but tells everyone else to cut back!
BOUCHE: Typical of these doctors; one rule for them, one rule for the rest of us!
GORGE: Well, I can’t help it if the women find me attractive, can I? It must be the white coat.
OTAK: White coat? What white coat?
GORGE: Well, let’s pretend I have white coat...
RSM: Oh, no, here we go. We’re now pretending he’s wearing a white coat, and that this is the reason women find him attractive. Are you sure you’re a doctor?
GORGE: Of course I’m a doctor! I’m also a bio-chemical specialist, and I’m a Captain.
RSM: Oh, you’re a genius, too!
GORGE: Okay, I’m happy with genius!
BOUCHE: Well, you’re good at using psychology, that’s for sure.
GORGE: That’s half the battle. Oh, sorry, bad choice of expression. I mean, in medicine, you try to convince the patient that they’re okay. At least, that’s what I do. The placebo effect; tell them this is the latest treatment, this tablet will cure the problem, and half the time it works.
RSM: Really? Are you serious?
GORGE: Yes, numerous tests have shown this on a number of occasions, in different parts of the world, too.
BOUCHE: In that case, why do the pharmaceutical companies keep making their products if half the time, as you’ve just aid, the doctor can convince the patient that they’re okay?
OTAK: It’s called greed. They make lots of money, and that, gentlemen, is one reason we are where we are this morning.
GORGE: Colonel, on that point I agree with you 101%.
BOUCHE: Yes, me too.
OTAK: Right, gentlemen, let’s get a bit serious, get down to business. This is the mess we’re in the morning. Pay attention, please. We’re running low on supplies now; I don’t know how Corporal Tung manages to get a decent breakfast together, plus a snack at midday. Nothing for dinner, it’s true, but there’s nothing anywhere. No money for these things, it’s pitiful the way things are. She has to go around scrounging like a beggar. I’m full of admiration for her. And as you know, at least Major Bouche and the RSM, I was most opposed to having women on the front line. Not good for morale, whatever the liberal feminists think. Old fashioned maybe, but that’s my opinion. At least, it was, until I see how Tung and Main have coped with everything thrown at them.
BOUCHE: She’s done an excellent job, well, they both have. We are fortunate to have someone so professional, especially these days. Colonel, I suggest we wait a few minutes longer to see if the others can get here; there’s little point, it seems to me, of going over the same material each time someone gets here.
OTAK: You’re right, of course, Major Bouche. I’m not thinking straight; well, I’m not thinking. We’ll wait for the others, and then I want your briefing first, Captain Gorge. Okay?
GORGE: Right you are, Colonel.
OTAK: I’ll have you make the final summary, Major Bouche.
BOUCHE: Certainly, Colonel.
Main enter
MAIN: Sir, Captain Perut is here.
OTAK: Show her in, please.
MAIN: Yes, Sir; this way, Doctor.
PERUT: Good morning, Colonel Otak, gentlemen.
CHORUS: Good morning, how are you?
OTAK: Morning, Doctor, how was your journey here?
PERUT: More difficult this morning, Sir. It’s getting harder day by day to move around, there’s constant bombardment, and defences are weak, so one has to be extra careful. If it continues like this, whole sections might shut down, in a permanent way; it is bad, Colonel.
OTAK: That’s the way things are now; what will happen in a few more weeks, if we last that long? It’s a morbid thought. Sorry. It’s getting everyone and everything down; a war of attrition.
Phone rings. Main picks up
BOUCHE: We’re waiting for, er, Messrs Darah and Walk, is that right?
Main on telephone
MAIN: Right, I’ll tell them, Captain Darah. Okay, Sir. Er, Captain Darah is having serious problems, he won’t make it on time, but he’s doing his best, and will try being here as soon as possible. That’s the message, Sir.
Sits down
OTAK: Thank you, Corporal Main. Well, that means things are really bad, if young Darah is in a lot of difficulty; it doesn’t exactly auger well for the rest of us.
Knock on door
MAIN: That’s Captain Walk, I think, Sir.
opens door
Ah Good morning, Captain Walk, this way, please - Sir, what happened? You look terrible. Sir, Captain Walk is injured.
WALK: Colonel. Good morning, Gentlemen. Dr Perut.
OTAK: Morning, Captain Walk. What on earth has happened to you? Are you okay? Dr Perut, take a look at him, please.
PERUT: Yes, Colonel. Captain Walk, sit down here.
OTAK: Can you give her a hand too, Captain Gorge?
GORGE: Yes, Colonel. I’ll get my gear. Captain Walk, are you okay?
WALK: injured Yes, just about. We were attacked on the way here, lost several of my men, and the roads are so bad now, movement is becoming severely restricted, except in the few secure areas. I was blown over, thumped against a brick wall; I think it looks worse than it is. I hope so. I think I look worse than I feel, at least, I think -
GORGE: Keep quiet; don’t think. You talk too much.
WALK: You think so? Oh, my mother used to tell me I talk too much; and the teachers in school; and most of my course mates, but there was one girl, well she wasn’t a girl, she was a young - ouch, that hurt - woman, not a girl, and she used to talk, talk, talk, non-stop, and it really got on - arrgh - people’s nerves, and she wouldn’t stop, couldn’t take a hint, the lecturers went nuts trying to stop her interrupting, oh my goodness, - I don’t like that, get off, is that iodine? - I don’t know what happened to her, she was very pretty, but when she began, that was it, away she went, on and on and on and on and on, without stopping; she’d go on for minutes, you couldn’t get a word in edgeways, nice girl though, young woman -
OTAK: Captain Walk, shut up.
WALK: Yes, sir, who, me, Colonel?
OTAK: Yes, you. Zip it.
WALK: Right you are, Colonel, but I was just trying to -
OTAK: I know what you are trying to do; however, the two good medical people here are trying to fix you up, clean you up etc, and they can do without your ranting about some girl you used to know at uni-
WALK: Young woman, Colonel, young woman, ouch, that hurt, she was very pretty, ouch, what are you doing? That’s stinging, yes, a very pretty -
OTAK: You heard what I said? Shut up, or I’ll get the doctor to tranquilise you.
PERUT: I need warm water, bandages, a towel, in fact, Corporal Main, get my medical bag, would you, please, and then give me a hand.
MAIN: Yes, Doctor.
Exit, re enter, Tung enters
TUNG: Gentlemen, Ladies, can I get you coffee, tea? These are tinned fish, these some biscuits with the last of the honey and nuts. Sorry, Sir. Oh, my goodness, what on earth has happened to Captain Walk? Is he OK?
WALK: Yes, thank you, Corporal, I’m okay, at least I think -
OTAK: Quiet! I think so, Corporal Tung. Not you’re fault about the food, and don’t apologise; you’ve nothing to apologise for, let me make that clear. You’re doing a very good job.
TUNG: Thank you, Sir, I appreciate that.
BOUCHE: And we appreciate you, Corporal. As the Colonel just mentioned, you’re doing a very good job, Corporal Tung.
TUNG: Thank you, Major.
OTAK: That’s right, Corporal Tung. Can you help the doctor; just make sure she’s okay with Captain Walk.
TUNG: Right, Sir. What can I do, Captain Perut?
PERUT: Get hold of his arm, there, and keep it there, just a minute, that’s okay now.
BOUCHE: I think the talking is a way of coping with the strain, it’s clear. Not surprised, with what he has to put up with, moving around the place non-stop, and with the ground conditions so bad, and our transport in the state it’s in, he’s getting a rough ride, more than most.
OTAK: Ye, I think you’re right. Then Corporal Tung seems to blame herself for the food. I’ve told her time and again not to worry, I suppose the psychological strain, or something. Captain Walk, are you well enough to continue?
WALK: I think that Dr Perut -
OTAK: Yes or no?
WALK: Yes, Colonel.
OTAK: Right, pay attention, everyone. Right, let’s begin. First of all, let me thank you for your work, your professionalism, and your bravery over the past two years or so. I have been doing this job for, oh, I don’t know how many years, and we have built up rapport as good as anyone could wish. Thank you again. I could go on but it would be useless, just repeating what I’ve already said. I hope anyway, um, you know what I think. Whatever the final outcome, and it seems increasingly bleak, if I could choose you again to serve with me, I would. You’ve been magnificent, a wonderful team. I won’t embarrass anyone with the usual ‘pleasure and a privilege’ that one gets in films...
Mumbles of thank you
OTAK: Captain Gorge, you’re the Biological and Chemical warfare expert. You have taken the brunt of many an attack, exposed to a variety of toxins, often without any warning of an attack. I think that you and your team have fought well, and you can be proud of what you have accomplished, in spite of the overwhelming odds against you, and the ruthless callousness of the enemy, an enemy that has done nothing, and continues to do nothing, to reduce the plague of war. I would like to begin with your report, please.
Gorge to wall
GORGE: Thank you, Sir. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am going to sound bleak and depressing, because that is the reality. The situation is serious in the extreme. You are all aware of the non stop attacks over the past few years, the use of toxic materials, both chemical and biological. There has been no let up, in spite of protestations, almost on a daily basis, to the World Body, where the banning of these substances has repeatedly been asked for, with no effect. The results are quite staggering. Let me show you some statistics -
Knock on door, Tung opens
TUNG: Oh my… Sir, it’s Captain Darah, Oh, no, what happened, what’s going on, are you alright?
OTAK: What’s going on there? My goodness, Captain Darah; what has happened to you? Quick, get him in here.
Darah injured, blood
OTAK: RSM, give him a hand, will you please.
RSM: Right, Colonel, come Captain, let me help you over here.
BOUCHE: Dr Perut, Dr Gorge, another little clean up operation for you, please. Captain Darah, are you alright?
DARAH: Good morning, Sir, good morning everyone. The situation I mean. It’s awful out there at the moment, bad, Sir, very bad. I’m okay, I’m okay, worse with the blood; it’s the glass, Sir.
PERUT: Captain Gorge, help me with him. Corporal Main, the bed please, Major Bouche, can you help carry him, he’s a big fellow, Corporal Tung, the First Aid kit, then some hot tea.
TUNG: Right away, Sir.
BOUCHE: Come on, Captain Darah, let’s get you on the bed. Corporal Main, move the blanket, please.
MAIN: There you are. Where’s the pillow?
BOUCHE: Captain Gorge, grab his feet, will you?
GORGE: After me, one, two, three, up we go.
OTAK: We’ll adjourn for a few minutes; wait for Captain Darah to get cleaned up, catch his breath, and so on; whatever else people do when they knocked out. I’m not much good with medical emergencies, I’m afraid. Frightened of blood since I was youngster. Is he okay, Doctor Perut?
PERUT: Yes, Colonel, it looks rather worse than it actually is; nasty cuts though. He’ll survive, well, er, in one sense, if you know what, er, I mean. In the short term, anyway... We’ll get him cleaned up.
TUNG: Here you are.
PERUT: Right, thank you.
OTAK: Yes, thank you, Doctor, I do know. Mr Bouche, you had the same thing some years ago, when some glass shattered, didn’t you? Spent some time in the clinic, or was it overnight in the hospital, I forget now. Refresh my memory.
BOUCHE: Yes, it was the hospital for a few hours, Sir. The funny thing was, it began as a quiet evening out, nothing unusual, about 11pm, when I was suddenly attacked without warning, just after refreshment break too, that’s the irony. Just when you think you can relax, something hits you unexpectedly. A good lesson, though, on keeping your guard up. Corporal Tung was there too, got knocked about, lost a tooth, didn’t you?
TUNG: Yes, that’s right, sir. Horrible, I was terrified then.
OTAK: I didn’t know that. Yes. We’ve all had our share of personal contact in war, that’s part of our job, but with attacks, especially unprovoked attacks, the job is so much harder. Is he ready to join us?
PERUT: Yes, Colonel. A bit of a mess, but there again… let him have a couple of minutes; I think he will be okay then.
RSM: If he can survive the last major battle, he can survive this, Sir.
OTAK: True, RSM. That was the Far East Campaign. We shouldn’t have got mixed up in that, bad mistake, wrong decision. He was hurt in the High Intensity Vector, bloody nasty piece of work.
PERUT: Here, here, Sir, One of the worst; most unpleasant.
BOUCHE: Were you involved in that too?
PERUT: No, the cholera outbreak took my time. I was on the go for weeks on end; at one time, I thought it might be the end, but we managed to hang on and, of course, pull though.
BOUCHE: Yes, oh yes, that rings a bell.
RSM: A knell might be more appropriate.
BOUCHE: Right, RSM, well put.
OTAK: What about you, Captain Walk? What was your worst injury, or your moment?
WALK: It’s a bit embarrassing, Colonel. My knee - I fractured it, in sport; I had to retire from hockey with it. It hits me again from time to time, especially in the colder months of the year.
OTAK: I’m sorry I asked.
TUNG: Hockey is bad for the health. I know; I used to get walloped from time to time, knee bruising etc. I like the game, though, it’s good fun to play.
RSM: Teach you to play hockey. Dangerous game always seems to me, running around swinging a licensed club at other people.
PERUT: It’s not a bad game; it can be quite good fun, plenty of running, action etc.
GORGE: Yes, I agree. You get a nice crowd in a hockey club.
WALK: There, I told you so; the young woman I was talking about just now used to play hockey, too, and she used to -
OTAK: Yes, thank you, Captain Walk. That’s enough from you.
RSM: I think the Colonel’s trying to tell you something, Captain.
WALK: What?
RSM: Oh, forget it.
OTAK: Maybe, just maybe, you talk too much…
WALK: Really? Oh, sorry, I must try to -
GORGE: Try to talk a little less, old chap.
PERUT: I think that’s the message; a gentle hint, you know what I mean?
BOUCHE: No, don’t answer, he might go off again!
DARAH: Colonel, Major, I think I’m okay now; may I join in now?
OTAK: You’re sure? Okay, let’s get going, again. Where were we? Ah, yes, Major Bouche, your thoughts please.
BOUCHE: Thank you, Colonel. Ladies and Gentlemen, the basic problem is bad judgement, like this bloody mess we’re in now. It’s political decisions that have weakened us, and economic ones that have strengthened the enemy. They have thought out their strategy well, and look who they are targeting now. Not just us, but the even more vulnerable one in the world, the uneducated, the poor, the ignorant. They creep up, and by then, it’s too late to do anything. They are the proverbial bastards.
OTAK: Who?
BOUCHE: Both the government, and the enemy. Sorry, I’m getting carried away. I hate this morality. The suffering could have been easily avoided by more hard government action, and an initial assault on the enemy. Wipe them out. Now, they’re too powerful, even more powerful than governments in some places.
WALK: I agree, Sir. Political decisions, but they remain okay, in their nice little offices.
RSM: What little office, Sir? Bloody enormous offices, with the money they’ve got. They’re not just’ okay’, either. How much money do they have? Where do they get it? A year or two in office, and it’s a big house, car, expensive things, fine holidays etc. Oh, yes, they do very nicely, thank you very much.
WALK: True, RSM. I take it you’re not too keen on them, by the sound of it?
RSM: I think someone has used the expression earlier this morning, Captain; the understatement of the year. Yes, you’re right. I loathe them, and I love the Major’s word, too.
BOUCHE: What word?
RSM: Bastards; it seems quite, how can I put it? It seems …perfect.
WALK: Yes, I agree with you, too.
TUNG: Me, too. I haven’t ever met anyone who actually likes these people. But we read in the newspapers how popular they are, what wonderful things they are doing -
MAIN: How the economy is going along, the Stock Market, employment, tourism etc.
TUNG: You meet people in the street, you ask them what they think of so and so, and you get some absurd reply; oh, they’re wonderful, they do this, they do that etc. But if you ask them how they know this, oh the newspaper told me, so it must be true.
MAIN: You’re right. I meet people like that everyday. Oh, the government are wonderful; they gave me an extra one pound a week towards my gas bill. I tell them to enjoy it; keep the gas on an extra ten minutes; have a treat.
WALK: I like it; you're right.
RSM: Well spoken, both of you.
OTAK: I agree with your sentiments exactly, but I think we must dispense with emotion for the time being, and get focussed, back on track about the situation here, right now. Captain Darah, are you sure you’re okay now?
DARAH: I think I’m okay now, Colonel.
OTAK: Are you sure?
DARAH: Yes. I think so.
OTAK: Right, let’s carry on, again; Captain Gorge. Er, Corporal Tung, some more hot tea and coffee, please.
TUNG: Yes, Sir, right away.
OTAK: Corporal Main, notes, I mean the minutes of the meeting, please, to send to company HQ.
MAIN: Ready to go, Colonel.
OTAK: Of course, I should know. Right, Captain Gorge, the floor is yours, so to speak.
GORGE: Thank you, Sir. If my report is true, we’ll be under the floor before long, in the ground.
BOUCHE: Things are that bad?
GORGE: Yes, Sir. Right, where was I? Statistics show that, over the past 3 months, gas attacks have increased by almost 50%. Not only that, but the intensity of attacks have been greater, with new chemicals being used, in particular, from south East Asia, something we’ve not seen much of before. In addition, the places being hit are much more widespread. At the beginning of the war, attacks took place within fairly restricted areas; one might argue that there was some sort of gentleman’s agreement. Now anywhere is fair game. The basic Rules of War have been flouted, with scant regard to the rest of the community. Children even, have been targeted. Oh, yes, you might look surprised, but that is the reality of our times. There is a lot of money to be made. Where money talks, and it does in this scenario in a way seldom seen in others, the carnage that will follow will be enormous, wide ranging, and far reaching. The fact that a small number of parasites make a fortune id beside the point; they go nowhere near the front line anyway. It’s the old rule; if you’re rich and with connections, get some other poor ill educated bugger to go and do the dirty work. The old expression was cannon fodder. That’s what we are now, gentlemen, er ladies, and gentlemen. Other people’s problems, suffering, misery, injury etc are of no interest to them of course, but are regarded as a casualty, ha, ha, excuse the pun, of war. Colonel, it is my considered opinion, gentlemen, ladies, that the war is almost over for us, there is little we can do. Our defences are cracking; perhaps suffocating would be a better word, under the strain. I really am at a loss to know what to do next, Sir.
OTAK: Thank you, Doctor, I feel much better for hearing that.
RSM: Me, too.
OTAK: Captain Perut, please, the medical point of view.
PERUT: Thank you, Colonel. From the overall medical point of view, we are near the end. The basics are almost run out; there are serious shortages in certain departments.
BOUCHE: What are the basics you refer to?
PERUT: In a word, or words, anything and everything, we are that low at the moment. Blood, drugs, dressings, equipment, you name it; some blood supplies are hopelessly contaminated, they are dangerous, no, fatal. Those drugs are having little effect on two fronts, one, they have become ineffective against certain types of chemical warfare, and two, they have, in some cases, become contaminated themselves. Dressings, well, that’s another major problem; these are in such short supply; basically not enough money had been spent. The Administration has for too long emphasised attack, rather than defence, and this is the price. The same is true for equipment, Colonel. Most of the things we require for efficient operations are damaged, or in a weak condition, ready to give out at any minute, so to speak. At the moment, it is only the professional ability of my troops that keep the machine, in its general sense, ticking over, I cannot guarantee that either my troops, with the way things are now, can continue to maintain the status quo, or that the equipment, the complex instrumentation network that keeps us going, will continue to function; right now, it is quite a battle in itself. My forecast is bleak. I think we have little chance unless there is a major change in fortune and conditions of engagement.
OTAK: Your conclusion?
PERUT: I think we must look at surrender. Run up the white flag now.
OTAK: That’s bad news…oh. Anyway, thank you.
BOUCHE: Thank you, Captain Perut, and well done for what you have done. You’re a credit to the profession.
PERUT: Thank you, Sir.
RSM: You lot are a tough bunch in there. I take off my hat to you and your men, Captain.
PERUT: Thank you, RSM. Coming from you, Sergeant Major, I take that as a major compliment. Thank you.
WALK: It’s not a major compliment, it’s a sergeant major compliment, get it? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh…
OTAK: Belt up.
WALK: Yes, Sir, sorry about that. I was just trying to lighten the mood of the…
BOUCHE: Belt up means, in this context, keep you mouth shut, Captain Walk. Is that clear?
WALK: One hundred percent, Colonel. I mean, both Colonels, one hundred percent…agree to…keep my…mouth shut for the…time being.
OTAK: Sergeant Major, is there any chance you could shoot Captain Walk by accident, now, here?
RSM: I could arrange something, Sir. Come this way, Captain Walk.
WALK: Colonel! I was joking, Sir. Please…RSM, you’re joking…tell me you’re joking…
PERUT: I think it’s the Colonel’s way of ‘just trying to lighten the mood of the…’ whatever you were going to add, Captain.
WALK: That’s funny, Colonel, very funny. Ha, ha.
OTAK: I’m happy you like my sense of humour, Captain. I am amusing, aren’t I?
WALK: Hilarious, Colonel; you too, Sergeant Major.
OTAK: Right, now you may talk, Captain Walk. What’s the situation in Transport?
WALK: Thank you, Sir. Transport is becoming more of a problem day by day. There is not enough equipment, and what there is, doesn’t work very well. Now, if you couple that with the state of the terrain, I think more or less complete mobility will be a thing of the past. That time is approaching fast; we have done what we can, but it’s an uphill battle. We get something fixed, and then another thing breaks down. We use spare parts from here to go there, then the here bit is out of action. It’s a no win, but yes we lose scenario, Sir. There are days when we are almost unable to move anywhere, let alone effectively. The troops are literally in a state of collapse. They have taken a battering these past few years, right in the front line too, as you all know. I’m sorry, but there seems little I or the others, can do now. We’re at breaking point. The whole transport system too, is rapidly grinding to a halt, and there is little I or anyone else can do about it. Sorry, Colonel. Whatever anyone might argue against us, I know we have done everything that we can. I am proud of my men. Thank you, Colonel.
OTAK: Thank you, Captain Walk. You’ve done an excellent job in Transport. What you have just mentioned doesn’t really surprise me anymore, in fact it probably doesn’t surprise anyone. Once transport goes, supply and logistics break down too. But that’s what we have earned about for the past few years, so it should come as no surprise to anyone.
BOUCHE: That’s right, Colonel; my thanks too, Captain Walk, on a job well done. Thank you.
RSM: Me too, Captain.
WALK: You were going to shoot me a couple of minutes ago.
RSM: Maybe I’ll do it later.
WALK: I like you bunch.
OTAK: Now, Captain Darah. I would like to hear from you, please.
DARAH: Thank you, Colonel.
The situation in supply is critical. The single most important factor is troops. They, being on the front line, quite literally, have taken a huge pounding, with as much as 80% of manpower gone, I mean killed. The remaining I think are unlikely to hold out much longer. It’s a bit of a psychological condition in one way. Once a few feel that way, the rest get the bug, so to speak. In addition, supply routes, certainly the major arteries for the convoys, have all but been closed down by the enemy. It’s very easy with narrow valleys, passes, winding roads, to get shut down in this terrain.
OTAK: Thank you, Captain Darah; RSM, your opinion, please.
RSM: Thank you, Colonel. My perspective is from the troops’ angle. As we have just heard from the specialist officers, manpower in all departments has been hit badly. The rest of the men and women are holding up well, at least as well as can be expected. The overall picture is bleak. I don’t think we can go on much longer, frankly speaking, Sir. .
OTAK: Thank you, RSM. You are the best person to assess this, your finger on the pulse, as it were. You have been a fine leader of the troops. Without you, things would have ground to a halt a long time ago.
RSM: Thank you, Sir. It’s been a pleasure to work for you, Sir, and the rest of the officers and men.
OTAK: Major Bouche, your assessment of the situation, if you please.
BOUCHE: Thank you, Sir. First of all, let me echo Colonel Otak’s remarks, and thank you all for the work you’ve done for me. I couldn’t have had a better bunch of professionals than you. In a strange way, it’s been a good time. Why go on? Thank you. The position has become, in the last few months, untenable and no way are we going to get out of this. It’s time to call it a day. We’ve done more than our best, and enough is enough. There’s nothing else we can do. Colonel.
OTAK: Thank you, and again thank you everyone. I know the military are non-democratic, but for once, I must ask you to agree, bearing in mind the gravity of the situation. Francois?
BOUCHE: Do it, Colonel.
OTAK: Captain Gorge?
GORGE: I concur.
OTAK: Thank you, Captain Gorge; and you, Captain Perut?
PERUT: I agree, Sir.
OTAK: Thank you; you, Captain Darah?
DARAH: I agree, Sir.
OTAK: Thank you, Captain Darah. What about you, Captain Walk?
WALK: Yes, Sir, it’s time to stop.
OTAK: Thank you; and you, RSM?
RSM: I’m with the rest. Actually, could do with a bloody good rest, come to think of it
OTAK: Trust you, RSM. Corporal Main?
MAIN: Go for it, Colonel. There’s nothing else to do. We’ve has a good run.
OTAK: Corporal Tung?
TUNG: I agree with Corporal Main. We’ve done our best.
OTAK: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, let’s do it, Corporal Main, pass the phone, please.
MAIN: There you are, Sir.
BOUCHE: A little music, if no one objects. I thought this appropriate. Haydn, Symphony 45. Anyone know it? It’s one of my favourites.
TUNG: Yes, I know it.
MAIN: Me, too; lovely work, and as the Major said, most suitable at this time.
PERUT: Why is that?
BOUCHE: It’s called the Farewell, as in the last movement, the players stop playing one by one, until only two are left. Haydn was trying to get a message across to his employer, that they, that is, the players, were fed up with being carted away into the wilds, to some inhospitable place somewhere, a kind of subtle message. It worked, too.
TUNG: Perhaps it’ll work for us.
RSM: Fat chance with this character, I can tell you.
music on
OTAK: I am sure you will all wish to have a few words with our boss. Ah, Good morning to you. This is Otak. I need to have a word with you. No, it can’t wait. I don’t care what you’re doing. That can wait. This cannot. Why? You ask me why? You know exactly what we are up against. Your stupidity, your own self inflicted stupidity. Oh, offended, are you? That’s just too bad. Why? Because we have decided to surrender; we are not carrying on anymore, and without each and every one of us, you stop too. And we are stopping now, in the next few hours. You have little time. I suggest you get your affairs in order.
Man enters, scruffy, hunched, coughing, spitting, breathing poor, smoking, carrying a bottle
MAN: What do you mean? You can’t stop. If you stop, I’m finished. You can’t do this to me. I need you.
TUNG: Oh, at long last; how perspicacious of you.
MAIN: Oh, yes, it’s begun to dawn on you.
RSM: The wheels begin to turn, they are beginning to turn, oh, they are beginning to turn…
MAN: Why? I don’t get it, why now?
PERUT: You have to ask why?
DARAH: You know why. Try not to make yourself into a bigger fool than you already are.
GORGE: Why? He wants to know why? You are joking, or you are a complete moron, a bigger moron than we already think you are. You want to know why? What a joke!
WALK: Who wants to tell him why? Oh, everyone wants to tell you why. Why am I not surprised by that? I wonder why.
OTAK: Major, you tell him.
BOUCHE: You know why. Don’t pretend. For the past few years, what is it, about twenty I think, you have subjected us to the worst excesses known to mankind. You have refused to listen to what we have told you, again and again and again. You have thought of nothing except your own narrow, selfish pleasure. The time has come, for all of us, to stop working for you. No, I haven’t finished yet, you wait. The things that you have got up to over the years have taken their toll on us. I know I can speak for the others; we are together on this matter, a band of brothers and sisters, if you’ll excuse the use of another expression. You ask us why? My colleague Captain Gorge just asked you if you were joking, or if you are a moron. The latter is true. The former…well, to ask the question why suggests that you know nothing about what has happened to us over time. A joke? No, not for each of us, no, there is no joke. I’ll begin to inform you in a clear, simple way, bearing in mind your intelligence, of what has gone on over time. One, you’ve smoked non-stop, chain smoking I think people call it. I can understand why. How many a week do you go through? I have lost count. Have you any idea what it’s like being your mouth? No, I suppose not. The taste of the smoke, the dryness, the smell, the tar…it was a horrible experience for me. I know the others were affected in one way or another. It’s not just me, although I had to bear the brunt, along with my colleague Captain Gorge, your throat.
GORGE: Hear, hear, Major Bouche.
BOUCHE: Thank you. Two, the junk food you consume, with the high content of salt, the fat that comes with each and e very meal, and then we throw in the poisonous mixture of the wonderful chemical preservative, the colouring, the additive, etc, etc, etc. You appear to be unaware that many of these don’t even have a name; they are known by letters and numbers, so Colonel Otak has told us time and time again. He coordinates everything we do, and knows everything that goes on, in and out. The Colonel is your brain; how have you treated it? With contempt, that’s how.
OTAK: Hear, hear, Major Bouche. The Major is right. Common sense and rational thought went on a trek long, long ago. Major, carry on please.
BOUCHE: Thank you, Colonel. Three, your alcohol consumption; not content with just a few every night, with the odd break from time to time, it became a non-stop affair, morning, noon and night. Captain Perut had to take that. Captain Darah was too happy either. Think of how you have treated your stomach and your blood; what do they think now?
PERUT: I have had enough.
DARAH: Me too, old chap. I just can’t accept another input. The last binge was one too many.
BOUCHE: There you have it, from your blood and your gut; enough is enough. Then there’s me again. I can handle a lot, but I need a break. And now, I’m getting one, but this time, it’s going to last for a long, long time…excuse the Linda Ronstadt quote; we know you like her work…the break now, it’s going to be a permanent one.
MAN: Wait a minute.
BOUCHE: angry No, I’m not waiting, I’m not waiting, get it? nor am I listening anymore to you and your banal chatter and excuses…oh, yes, I’ll stop tomorrow, I’ll just have three pints tonight, I’ll give up smoking on January 1 etc, etc, etc. Bugger you, and the others, and there are millions, like you, for what you have done, what you do, and no doubt, what you will continue to do tomorrow and the week after that…
OTAK: Calm down, Major. He’s beginning to worry now.
BOUCHE: My apologies, Colonel, but I have had enough. No, that’s it. You’re wasting what little breath you have left. That what I ant to tell you. Goodbye from me. I think Corporal Tung wants a quick word with you.
MAN: Wait a minute…I want to –
BOUCHE: No. Corporal Tung, carry on.
TUNG: Thank you, Major. Yes, I couldn’t agree more with those words. Your teeth, throat, larynx, tongue, you have no idea the misery I’ve had over the past few years, trying to clean up after you; no, your time’s up, old chap. That’s funny, isn’t it, because you are only, what, 42, 45, something like that. Old chap? What a joke. You look twenty years older. Frankly, you’re a…a…I don’t know, I don’t know what you are…a wreck isn’t strong enough. My taste has almost gone. In the morning, I get the layer of muck from the night’s excesses; you think it’s nice for me? You think I enjoy the battering you have thrown at me for twenty odd years, you think I like it? Of course I don’t. But now, enough is enough. I cannot go on. Goodbye, that’s it. I have had enough.
MAN: Please, wait. Wait. Please. Please, someone listen. Please, are you there?
Pause
OTAK: Be quiet. There are here, just about. They need to talk, so zip it. Captain Walk, please carry on.
WALK: Thank you, Colonel. Yes, I’m here, just about, but not for much longer. You were warned many times. The fact that walking is a problem for you, surely that tells you something, but you ignore, ignore, ignore. How many times have you fallen down when you’ve had too much to drink? I don’t know; I lost track years ago. How many times have I taken a hit when you have crashed to the floor, walked into the wall or doorframe in the middle of the night? You, take a look at me, see what condition I’m in. Then there’s the other minor business, isn’t there?
MAN: What?
WALK: What? What? You bloody fool. He asks me what other business? The business of the gout and the arthritis, that’s what. Thanks to you, I have the problems now that someone twice my age should get. And you ask me what? The agony I have had when your uric acid has gone over the top, waiting there hour after hour, unable to move. Then the arthritis; that, I agree, is not one hundred percent your doing, I agree. But there is no doubt that you have exacerbated the condition.
MAN: whining Well, I suffered as well. You think –
WALK: very angry You suffered because I told the Colonel, I report to the Colonel, and he passed it on to you, you bloody idiot. You have little idea how I hate you for what you have done to me.
OTAK: Cool it, Captain.
WALK: quiet Yes, Sir, I’m sorry. Right, let me wind up. The sad thing is that you could easily have prevented them, simply by taking a bit of care. In spite of what I said just now, you’re not a bad chap, actually, in fact, we quite like you, but you are selfish, take things for granted, and now, it’s adios. The train stops here. Thank you, Colonel.
OTAK: Thank you, Captain Walk.
MAN: Wait. Hold on. Let’s discuss this. There must be a way out of this.
BOUCHE: There is; it’s called an ambulance.
OTAK: Major Bouche, how funny; he doesn’t appreciate it at the moment.
BOUCHE: I’m sure that’s true.
OTAK: Corporal Main, would you like your turn now?
MAIN: Thank you, Colonel. Yes, I would like to talk to you. No, too late, too much has gone on unchecked, too much abuse, just like the others here. Look at me, fingers covered by nicotine, stinking. How do you think I feel, with everyone looking at me? The least I get is embarrassment; you know what it’s like to go out and get people looking at you, making quiet comments on how dirty you are? I have had enough of the humiliation that has come from you and your habit. Most of us here, like me, have no objection to most activity, but you just go on to excess after excess. The worst I get is poisoned skin, it gets inflamed, and the joints, excuse the pun, are stiff joints. Too much time using the mouse on the computer, too much time hanging around with a cigarette between the fingers, to much time thinking about other useless things, and getting me burned in the process, Look, see the burn scarring here, and here, and here. Then there were the times you fell over, as Captain mentioned before. Who got the initial blow then? Me, that’s who, trying to protect myself against the rough concrete or the splintering on the wooden floor. The broken finger when you fell off the bicycle; what irony too, in that you were for once trying to get some fresh air. Ha, and you want me, and the others, to go on? Forget it. As they say in the films, nice try.
MAN: I didn’t realise that -
MAIN: angry You didn’t realise? No, that’s the story of your life, isn’t it? I didn’t realise…well, you do now. What a pity it’s rather late to get to know it. Thank you, Colonel, I’m through with it.
OTAK: Thank you, Corporal Main; Captain Perut, please.
PERUT: Thank you, Colonel. You didn’t realise, you didn‘t realise, you didn’t realise, blah, blah, blah. You are such a bloody cretin. No, you realise now, when it’s too late. Have you any idea what your stomach is like now? No, I suppose not; maybe you don’t really care that much. But indo, I can tell you, I care, because everything here is my area of work, and trust me, and I haven’t had a good time in a long time. What have you done to me? You have taken little but junk food over a number of years, with no fibre, few vitamins, but with too much of everything you should not be taking. And now, you pay the price; too many years of too much abuse, too much self poisoning. Perhaps you can console yourself you’re not the only one. There are millions, maybe hundreds of millions over the world with a condition like your one. You have company, so you can cheer up.
OTAK: I don’t think he likes that, Captain.
PERUT: Maybe not. But that’s the reality. No, enough is enough. You know the expression ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’. There’s another one too. ‘The way to a short life can also be through your stomach’ and that is you, right now. I have done what I can, against insufferable odds, but I can do nothing now. Thank you, Colonel.
MAN: No. Wait. Please. I beg you. Listen, I’ll do anything…anything you want. Just tell me, please. Look, here are…my cigarettes. There, gone…in the bin. No more, I promise. That’s the lot for me. I’m through with them. I’m going for a jog now, then…what’s wrong?
OTAK: You know.
BOUCHE: It’s too late to be going anywhere; you’re not going anywhere.
MAN: Please, I beg you…um…um…I’ll go…on my bicycle…right now…okay?
BOUCHE: No.
OTAK: Captain Darah, you want to speak now?
DARAH: Wow, what a gesture. Twenty years of smoking and one packet in the bin. That might qualify as a world record, don’t you think? If I can point out gently, one packet makes no difference whatsoever. It’s the proverbial ‘too little, too late’. Sorry, old chap. I quite like Corporal Tung’s expression. I hadn’t thought of you as an ‘old chap’. But you are of course, right now. Now, I’ll tell you a little about what you have done to me. Cholesterol is making it hard work, with the blocked tubes, I haven’t had an easy time these past few years. You did nothing to try to help me, or yourself, which of course are one and the same thing. Then, those youthful years ago when you were…how can one put it, careless in your…er…personal life, those, um, little ‘indiscretions’, I think they are referred to, after a night on the town. No protection. Ah yes, I see you are recalling those times. But I must give you credit. When the serious stuff started making an appearance, you did take note, and stop. Yes. That was good of you; it gave quite a lot of respite, and I needed that. There was no way I could have
handled that as well. So, in an odd way, I must thank you, for trying to help me. It’s quite strange thing, isn’t it? Anyway, that’s the information from me. Once again, thank you. Now back to you, Colonel.
OTAK: Thank you, Captain Darah.
MAN: I’ll do anything. Just ask. Please; one last chance.
BOUCHE: Shut up, you idiot.
OTAK: Your turn, Captain Gorge.
GORGE: Thank you, Colonel. Excuse my cough; it’s the result of your smoking too much, coupled with your refusal to wear proper clothing in the winter. Oh, don’t worry, you used to tell people, I’m just popping out for a quick drink, the pub’s just a couple of minutes walk away, no problem. Ha, but there were problems, weren’t there? The quick drink became several hours night after night in the same smoke filled room, breathing in the toxicity of the smoke, the smoke from your cigarette burning and torturing me, followed by the coughing and hawking up the phlegm, that Major Bouche had to deal with. Nice job that, I can tell you.
BOUCHE: Please, Captain Gorge, they are memories I wish to erase. Horrible is too weak.
GORGE: I apologise, Major. Yes, you gave me a problem night after night, maybe hour after hour might be nearer the truth. But I can’t go on.
No. No way. I’m up to here with you. I’m the one bearing the brunt of the smoke and tar. They haven’t put up with what I have put up with. I’m sorry, the rest of you. I don’t mean to belittle your efforts, I know you have suffered too, but it’s me on the front line.
OTAK: That’s okay, you have a point. You did take the brunt of much of the onslaught, and you coped well with it. We know that.
GORGE: Thank you, Colonel, I appreciate that.
OTAK: Regimental Sergeant Major Wira, please tell us what you think.
RSM: Thank you, Colonel. You know what I think. I said it before. We run up the white flag, and give up. There are too many problems that we cannot overcome. The troops are war weary, and we can’t take it. That’s it, Colonel, brief, and to the point.
MAN: Look, I’ll do whatever you want. Just tell me.
RSM: You mean that? Whatever I want? Are you sure?
MAN: Yes.
RSM: Right. Drop now, right now.
MAN: What do you mean? You want me to keel over now?
RSM: That’s right. Get it over with; much easier for the rest of us. I have had enough. We all have.
MAN: When I said I’d do anything, I meant something, you know, something to save myself, something positive I can do to help myself get better. I’m not ready to go yet. I know it. I’m not ready. I’m still quite young. I might not look it, but I am. Please, give me another chance. I’ll quit cigarettes, now, right now. The box, there, I threw away. That’s something, isn’t it? It’s a start.
looks at them, pleading
OTAK: I don’t think they are going to buy it. It’s gone on too long, far too long. No, it’s too much, far too much.
MAN: Please, don’t leave me, don’t go, and don’t let me go. Please.
Music plays, each extinguish table light, one by one
PERUT: I’m sorry. It’s too much. I’m out.
GORGE: The same applies to me, I’m afraid. It’s too little, too late, as someone said earlier, I think.
DARAH: Goodbye. My time is up; I haven’t got the will anymore.
WALK: No. I’m out, too.
MAIN: Me, too. I’m out.
TUNG: I’m with the others.
BOUCHE: I think the same as you. I’m copping out.
RSM: Me, too. Enough is enough.
OTAK: You heard them. We are unanimous.
MAN: Please; one more, one very last chance. Help me, I beg you.
OTAK: And you know the music, I’m sure. You’ve played it many times.
MAN: Yes. There’s no need to play it just now. I mean, I hardly need reminding of, well, you know what. I want a break, one last chance. Please.
OTAK: Why? Why a last chance. You’ve had chances the past twenty odd years. Why?
MAN: long silence
What do you want me to say? Apologise? You want me to tell you I’m frightened, worried, I’m scared, and terrified? I don’t know what to say, no idea. I just want to go on living, that’s all. I won’t give you the usual stuff about family, grandchildren, see the world etc, etc, etc. I just, I just want to keep on going. Maybe it’s just instinct? I don’t know. Perhaps it the fact that all along I know that I have not taken care of myself, or I couldn’t care, maybe? Can you help me now, talk to the others, and tell them what I’m asking you now? I would appreciate that very much. No, you don’t have to worry, I won’t ask you again. I get fed up with asking again and again, the same questions, so one time only. I have spent my life repeating things because people don’t get it the first time, and answering the same questions…not from the same people, but the same questions asked by one, then another, and so on. I am fed up with repetition. Talk to the others, please, and ask them to reconsider. I assure you I’ll be a changed person after this. I mean it this time, I’m not joking. You make me worry now. I swear it on…I don’t know…what do people swear on; tomb of late grandfather? Or is that only in Spanish speaking countries? You get strange ideas from films. I think I do, I think others do, too. What am I talking about? I don’t know what I’m talking about; I’m getting tired. Anyway, that’s it from me. The ball’s in your court now. Thank you for listening to me. I am reminded of something I read years ago, some drug smuggler in the Far East, who thanked the judge for giving him a fair trial. What I have forgotten is whether he made the remark before or after the hanging sentence was announced. It was carried out, too. I was quite touched that a man could thank someone was going to order his execution. Anyway, from me, thank you.
OTAK: It might surprise you, but I think you’re being honest and truthful; the other thing is, this might surprise you too, that we like you. You’re a decent man, albeit a foolish one. I’ll talk to them.
MAN: Thank you. I can’t add anything else. Thank you.
Exit
OTAK: You heard the man. I think this time he means it. He’s broken. That’s clear. So, what do you want to do? Come on; don’t pretend that you’re finished yet. It takes a number of hours, maybe a week to quit; you can pull back, if you choose to do so. But I’m not enforcing my will on any of you. It must your own choice. I’ll tell you my decision once you’ve let me know yours. Is that okay with everyone?
Pause, one by one, slowly, lights come on
PERUT: Three months. I’ll give him three months to turn around; I think that’s fair enough.
RSM: One month. No, don’t look at me like that. I’m the one who has put up with the indiscipline day in, day out. I’m fed up. One month; take it or leave it.
BOUCHE: You’re a hard man, Sergeant Major.
RSM: No, sir, a realist. If there’s no discipline, everything falls apart.
I know that and you know that. I am up to herewith the problem. It’s one month.
BOUCHE: Okay, I’ll accept that, RSM. Thank you..
OTAK: Corporal Main?
MAIN: One year. I think he will do something this time. I hope so. I quite like him, too.
TUNG: Three months. I agree with Corporal Tung, but I’m still angry the way I - alright, make it a year, too.
GORGE: One year? Okay, I’ll go along with that.
WALK: Nine months. Just to be different, of course. I don’t like to follow the crowd; my mother used to –
OTAK: Thank you, Captain Walk. We, er, get the message.
DARAH: One year. Count me in. He’s quite a good bloke.
BOUCHE: One year. I like his music, too.
OTAK: Er, ladies, gentlemen, we are talking about someone’s life here. It sounds more like a bartering session in some third world market at the moment. But I must agree with you; a new chance. Major Bouche, may I know please, your reasoning?
BOUCHE: It‘s simple; I think he means it. It’s true, he’s quite a nice fellow, and perhaps a short shock might be what the doctor ordered, if you’ll excuse the pun.
OTAK: Captain Darah?
DARAH: I agree with Major Bouche. Give the man a chance.
OTAK: Right. Captain Walk, your thoughts?
WALK: Okay, I’ll go with the others, make it a year.
OTAK: Fine, that’s good. We are getting somewhere. Doctor Gorge, what about you?
GORGE: I’m with the rest. One year.
OTAK: Thank you. It’s beginning to look promising. Corporal Tung?
TUNG: I’m not so happy with a year, but I’ll go with the others. He’s a nice bloke, but I have had enough of the cigarette smoking, I can tell you.
OTAK: That’s kind of you, Corporal Tung, you always were a team player. And you’re happy again.
TUNG: I’m cheering up by the minute. We all are. Oh, maybe not everyone…
OTAK: I think it will work out, you’ll see. Oh…RSM, you’re not too happy, I gather.
RSM: No, Sir, I’m not, but I’ll go with the rest. You want to let him have a year, that’s fine by me. It’s not what I would choose; I want to make that clear, but we work together, so I’ll go along - this time. As you said, we’ve always worked well as a team, and I’ll do my fair share with the rest.
OTAK: Thank you, RSM. I knew we could count on you. Dr Perut?
PERUT: Thinking about it again, and listening to the others, I’ll concur with a year. I think that’s fair, and we can re assess the affair then. A year should see a major change. I hope so, anyway.
OTAK: Me, too. Well, that concludes the business. The telephone, please, Corporal Main.
MAIN: There you are, Colonel. Can I listen in, too?
OTAK: Why not? I think he’s going to be a happy man this evening.
He has the chance to make something of his life; let’s hope he takes it this time. In the cupboard there, Corporal Tung, there are some glasses, and over there, RSM, a couple of bottles. Can you bring them please?
RSM: Yes, Sir, with pleasure.
TUNG: Here you are.
BOUCHE: A little celebration, is it?
PERUT: Why not?
DARAH: Excellent idea.
Glasses go round, clinking
WALK: Absolutely splendid, old chap.
RSM: You sound like a …I’ll tell you another time.
GORGE: I won’t mention what I think.
WALK: You think I’m a snob, don’t you? You think that, am I right?
PERUT: How can I put it?
MAIN: you…might…be…
TUNG: Of course not…not much of one, just a bit.
GORGE: I told you.
DARAH: Maybe just a tiny one.
WALK: Thank you. I know you love me.
RSM: What makes you think that? Let me guess; it might be …
OTAK: It doesn’t matter this time; you can yap on as much as you like - once we’re through here.
MAIN: The telephone, Colonel. You want me to put you through?
OTAK: Thank you. No, I think though, I’ll leave him sweat a bit while we enjoy a quick one; or two, or three.
TUNG: Or four; no, we’re beginning to sound like him! But I suppose that’s not surprising, is it?
OTAK: You’re right.
BOUCHE: How about a little refreshing music; something to cheer us up?
MAIN: How about this? A little bit of bright jazz, that should get us going, and make wonder boy feel much better, too.
WALK: I feel okay.
MAIN: I don’t mean you. You’re not wonder boy, either. Not you.
DARAH: Here we go again. Captain Walk, you walked into it that time. Oh, I like my pun.
RSM: A case of hyper-inflated opinion, I think.
DARAH: You mean me?
RSM: No, Captain Walk.
PERUT: Me, too.
GORGE: I concur.
RSM: Why don’t you just use ‘agree’?
GORGE: I like ‘concur’.
TUNG: Excellent; a perfect choice.
WALK: I know I am.
TUNG: No, not you.
GORGE: I told you.
TUNG: No, not you; the music is an excellent choice. It makes you want to dance, and be happy and …any other thing you want; Willie Wagglestick’s Walkabout. Here we go…
MAIN: Wheeeeeeeeeeee. Come and dance with me.
Put on Willie Wagglestick Walkabout
BOUCHE: Right, let’s hear it; play away, dance away, drink away…
OTAK: I know this one.
MAIN: Colonel, come and dance with me.
OTAK: Right, just a minute.
TUNG: That’s not fair; I want the Colonel first. I’m senior to you.
MAIN: Too bad for you.
TUNG: Major Bouche, come and take me dancing…please.
BOUCHE: You might regret this when I fall on top of you.
TUNG: I’d like that, Major.
RSM: I’d like to run away.
WALK: You would, RSM. Cheer up. You’re a miserable bloke, you know that.
RSM: I’m a Sergeant Major. I’m paid to be miserable. I like being miserable, that’s why I signed up.
PERUT: How funky.
RSM: I beg your pardon.
WALK: Groovy.
RSM: Idiot.
DARAH: It makes my blood go racing again. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
RSM: Another idiot.
GORGE: Come, Dr Perut, let’s dance. Come.
PERUT: Everyone should dance; come on.
BOUCHE: Why not; I’ll try. Come, Corporal Tung, I can’t wait to get you whizzing round again and again.
OTAK: Oh, yes, come on, Corporal Main. Cheers, good health. Thank you again, everyone. Let’s see if this time, he will bother to take care.
Raise glasses, drink, they get up to dance; music end, lights down, curtain
The End
